Sugar, we're goin' down swingin'. I finished up my english homework. Now I'm all tired and in a state of mind which may or may not be something safe. I tend to think weird things when I get into philosophical moods. I feel bad for Carla because of her stupid computer. I can't believe that it's already taking a puke on her. Honestly, I know it has nothing to do with not taking care of it. She cares for that thing more than her car, and almost on par with me. If not already on par because it's a mode of communication. Seriously, though, it saddens me that she basically got a lemon. From her parents of all the people in the world. Song change: The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby. Ok. So I'm kind of lonely. Fuck that. I'm incredibly lonely. There's no one around to have fun with, everyone is busy working, busy making time to be busy. Of course, the senior year is going to go unnoticed as one of the least amazing of them all. Lovely. Eh, I feel pessimistic. I'm allowed to, I figure. And I'd rather do it on here where no one will actually read it or believe it than saying it out in the open where someone could mistake it for being a dispassionate verbal move to say I am unhappy in my relationships. I'm happy with everyone, especially Carla. I worry about everyone. you haven't noticed it yet, then you need to open your eyes. I'm about the most pessimistic person there is. Granted I try to hide it from all of you, because I don't want sympathy or anything. I just want to be held and told I'm a good friend, a good son, a good boyfriend, anything. I tell you all I love you because I mean it. I told Carla that I was happy to tell people I was with her. She thought I was just kidding so I could make her happy. Well, I didn't do it because of that. I did it because I wanted her to know how much I love her and cherish her. I think she knew, but I can't be sure. When I start thinking I'm sure is when people throw curveballs at me. So I guess if I stay unsure and keep letting her know, she'll never forget. I don't want her to forget. I don't want it to end. I don't think it is going to. I simply can't say anything more because the words either haven't been made or are music. She knows the music. I know the music. Maybe if we listen it will tell her my feelings and me hers. I love her. And I'm happy. But tonight is my night of rambling and incessant free write. Prepare yourselves. Haven't been on a high since last week, friday morning. running with the guys, behind andrew, strides in tune, time with the drummer. Grass was beautiful and green. Left behind freddy, symbolic, isn't it? He's weighing me down, dragging me back, like sophomore year, keeping me weak and slow. Running with Andie showed me that I know. I can be fast and capable if I push but I haven't been trying, from now on is my time to shine, my final year to show him I'm worth something, my final try at glory, but what is the price to pay? there's always a price. Don't say I'm wrong; I don't believe the shit that you say. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm worth something to someone finally, but why can't you see? there's something more than just untrue feelings and clinging to the first time. The first time was a wash the second not false, but full of compassion and true with unyielding unbroken amnesia and lovely insecurity. isn't that what I wanted? I wanted her to leave me to let me down like the rest and when she didn't I had no idea how to respond so I made up a lie and lived it down, now that she knows my secrets she'll love not hate. Why? How? Does a heretic deserve angelics? Why should a forsaken see feathers floating down and blinding my reason and defeating my seasons for sorrow? How could it be that someone so disciplined to fall away from reliance could fall so hard and be caught so swiftly? Catch me cos I'm falling, but you know just when to open your arms and say it's there, it's real, I'm not lying, it's love that you feel. Uhhh. Wow.