whyyyyyyyyyy the fuckkk !!!! he was supposed to be over her !! they broke up!!! we were getting along so well..and i invited him ! and then she goes will all her charms and her pretty face and her minimized body and works her way into him again..whats fucking wrong with her !! they broke up! get over him! it is soo unfair..and now he is going to tell me he can't come with me anymore because he's getting back with her..im so fucking mad and sad and feel so useless..what can i do !??!?! i can't get him to like me im so unlikeable..if i've never got anyone in this stupid world to like me why would he? and im going to be fat and ugly and with no date again..I WANT TO KILL HER !! seriously get over him you stupid bitch GET OVER HIM!!

i think i'm a loner..i always feel so alone..i'm getting used to being with myself.. so its been a long long time..i'm still single.. i stopped my terrible habit of biting my nails and i'm afraid its starting again because yesterday and today i bit the hell out of my hands..but i'm trying hard so thats what matters.. i'm still a real mess but know i try to hide it from myself..i say to the world i don't smoke but i still do..i'd like to get out of my house and don't come back in like 6 years..thats how my family is doing..but i think im better with myself as wierd as it might sound..its like now i know me..with all the shit thats been going on now i know that i might be alone and might dont like me a whole lot but at least i know who i am..and i know that this is the person im gonna live with my whole life so i better start liking myself..anyways..on monday i went to a friends house to the pool with all my friends..it was pretty cool..i wanted to post some pics but i can't remember how..so..i wont..later..

These hands bleed the pain away Pain caused by themselves These hands they tremble everyday Scared of marking, unstoppable mistakes These hands promise tears shed at night Tears that sting their pitiful sight These hands, full of stories that burn The eyes of strangers that dare to stare These hands are guilty, these hands are wounded These hands plead freedom of being tortured They hide and they sweat when they feel the coming Of fears or wounds or anger or simple sobbing They know they’ll get punished for being so hurt For hurting each other, they’ll have to do it again.

i can't believe how so much time passes by and yet nothing ever changes. my family is still a wreck. i still cant wait to get out of school. i still have to be running to catch up with my friends. i still bite my nails to the point of bleeding everytime. i still like to hurt myself. im still at the verge of crying everytime im awake. im still waiting for something amazing to happen. i still wait until tomorrow to start a full and happy life. i still regret every breath i take. i still wish i could do everything different. i'm still trying to stop smoking. i'm still causing myself pain because it feels good. i still wish i didn't.

everything is so fucked up...at school i cant wait for it to finish im counting the seconds for my last exam...its so hard for me and that fucking class is with him so im gonna see him..and my xmas party is almost here and i dont have someone to go with...i mean i have many options but i wanna go with him so everybody else is not good enough but this time im not giving up my pride and inviting him...so im not sure who im gonna invite and anyways i know anyone who i invite im not gonna have such a good time cuz i wanna go with him...:S:S:S i cant wait for the fucking school to finish and the fucking party to fly by and vacation to by here and i can hibernate for a complete week...

*Honesty Section:* 1. Honestly, what color is your bra? Black 2. Honestly, whats on your mind? who am i gonna invite to my christmas shit 3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? thinking whats for dinner 4. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? honestly, nope 5. Honestly, have you done something bad today? not today 6. Honestly, do you watch disney channel? i dont have disney channel =( 7. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? kinda 8. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? just having someone 9. Honestly, do you bite your nails? Sometimes. 10. Honestly, do you want to see someone Sorta. 11. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to Taco Bell? never been to taco bell 12. Honestly, are you in denial? honestly, yes 13. Honestly, where would you rather be right now? im okay here 14. Honestly, do you like someone? kinda. *Anger Section* 1. What do you do when you're mad? bitch out at people..or just swallow it 2. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? yeah 3. Do you swear when you're mad? Hell yeah *Crying Section* 1. When was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? few nights ago 2. when was the last time u cryed ur self to sleep? few nights ago 3. Do you still cry when you get an injury? depends on the injury 4. What usually makes you cry? people i love hurting me *Happy Section* 1. Are you usually a happy person? yeah 2. What can make you happy? happy people 3. Does being with your friends make you happy? yeah *Self-Esteem Section* 1. Do you have low self-esteem? kinda 2. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you agree? yeah sometimes 3. Are you one of those people that thinks they are ugly? sometimes *MySpace Section* 1. Are you addicted to myspace? nop 2. Are you looking for love on myspace? Hell no.

dear diary, haven't been here in a long while..and a lot of things have happened... first of all i am officially off the hunt for a bf..i dont want one in my life now..guys are suchh a problem..they call us drama queens..they should see themselves...they're the ones who make a huge deal about everything..and then there was something going on with this awsome guy..but he's such a guyy and he's like in love with his friends or something and he's in the stage of his life in which he wants to hang out with them every fucking second of his life so he doesn't have time for a girl or something...i don't know but i don't want to get hurt so i'm protecting myself and getting away before its too late... in family area i cant really say much...my condition is uniting me with my mom because she is really worried all the time and i think that in the bottom of my heart i havent really forgotten my dad and it hurts a lot but i really odnt know what to do..and i try but i keep having all this thoughts whenever he does something wrong..i try to forgive and life as someday i thought we lived but something blocks the way.. in school im having the worst time ever...not with my friends though thats a cool part of my life right now..but my grades are so shitty...i really really have to pull them up.. generally im all crappy right now..i need somthing to pull me up ...later...

he fucking broke his promise...he got so fuking drunk ...why is he like that!! why cant he understand all of his pain is in the drugs and the alcohol and he is bringing it back to him..first my father and now my best friend really what the fuck..he cant understand he is hurting me so mch and he is hurting his poor lost brother and he is hurting himself..i cant stand this...im so afraid ill loose him too...

dear diary, hey there...i just woke up...i have to do tons of homework and no one is at home. i wonder where everyone is...anyways...i really like this boy...but he has a gf..lucky me...g2g..later!!

dear diary, hello again!!! i havent been in here forever...i was so depressed...but today im super happy because i finished rehab!! i feel so wierd ...think that im not gonna go back in there again..i still have to go about every month but thats it!! im sooo excited!! i just hope i wont fall again..soo...not much has happened..i like this boy..but he has a girlfriend :´(...whatever there are soo many boys in the world..and he's not that awsome soo...anyways..ill try to write every day i promise!! lateR!! brends..

havent been here in a loong while..and dont have much to say..later..

dear diary, somehow when things are starting to float i dont want them to. when things at home are starting to finally seem simple and happy i suddenly want them to stay how they were. im not afraid of having a normal happylife again i guess. i just dont think its fair that after all that hes put us through my dad feels that he can come and fix everything and be the hero after he was the villain for so many years. i mean i find it hard to believe... anyways i guess its better to give it a shot. i just cant stand it when he gets home and starts yelling at me because i left the ac on all day long or because i cant go out that night. i feel like hes got no more parental power over me i mean what does he expect after 3 years of living fuckin high he decides to actually care?? and then hes got my mom so fuckin hypnotized like shes so excited because hes back and she gives him all the reason.. i know it will b better for me to just accept him again and have a life ..i mean it would be easier...and i try sometimes but when the lights go out or we run out of hot water i remember how we got to b like this and i suddenly want him to move out again..oh well..good night..

im very bored...and its raining yeeeahh!! =) shit. the tv is not working...later

diary. ashhhhhhhhhasdhsfjansdjlnaglkjasstsaksjfdnalwkenlaf...ok now. no not okay. i hate it ive been at home all week sweeping the floors with my pjs and swallowing the whole fridge and when i finally feel like going out all of my friends have something to do or they just dont feel like doing something. and some of them are going to the casino which isnt really a casino its just a shitty disco wannabe where underaged snobbs can go and get drunk and have a great time. the thing is its 150 $ which is like 17 dlls and i get like 25 dlls a week so im not gonna go spend half of my next weeks money to go and watch the fucking rich kids get drunk. and i really wanted to go to this open party but they dont feel like it cuz they can afford to go to the casino so why bother going to a stupid open party. i feel like going out about once a month . thats not cool. and my friends got the perfect timing to be all either grounded or rich at the exact same time. and now my mood is all crappy again like its been the whole week and i suddenly feel sleepy and like crying and i just watched a movie that remembers me so much to cheches cuz he secretly loves it and im the only person that knows. so yeah he loves win a date with tad hamilton and u got me crying over a stupid chick flick cuz my ex bf loves it. im sooooooooooooooo pathetic right now. ive read 3 books in two weeks. and im alone at home and i dont have one fuckin smoke. and no money. im just gonna go get more tiramisu so in a week i can actually bounce. later.

dear diary, so many things have happened. i cant keep track anymore. i wish wrote more. once it helped me feel better , i guess it doesnt anymore cuz i dont do it as often. its been about 2 weeks since i cant stop fucking crying. i cry because my ex is dating someone else. i cry because my friends didnt call me to hang out. i cry because i dont have a boyfriend and theres not a guy that likes me. i cry because of a stupid tv show ive seen 7 times before. i cry because there is no milk. i cry because i feel ugly. i cry because i cry too much. if theres not a hidden reason under all that stupid stuff that makes me sob my heart out every afternoon/night im gonna cry a little more right now. seriously, ive been depressed and sentimental before but this is getting very wet to be summer tears. it rained today. i love the rain. its so liberating. so free. like tears and shouts and sobs . but at the same time it is like the end of something and u can b sure only something better is coming the next day. yet u dont want it to end. its confusing, but beautiful. anyways...cheches has been an asshole lately, he always has but lately ive been more of his target. im getting used to it though, and im learning to control it so i guess its not that bad. i just lied it is bad as hell. ive been reading a lot lately. very much. when im not crying im sleeping and when my eyes are too swollen from crying and sleeping and they have to stay open for a while or else they will sink into my skull and leave 2 holes in my face i read. its not a lot of time in a day but ive been like this for about 2 weeks now so ive catched up a lot . i think im gonna write a book. a novel. at least a long story. im not sure what it is going to be about though, i have some ideas. ive been writing my dreams down. they are something weird i think they mean something. oh well they are nothing but dreams. very strange dreams. so yeah its 1:11 am and im completely sleepless. im tired but not sleepy. theres a difference. and last night i slept about 4 hours so i dont know why im not sleepy. i like to stay up at night. i would be a great insomnia parter. whatch movies. eat ice cream. oh no wait thats depressive partner. either im in. well im gonna go get something to eat. im gonna write more i promise. i promise i will try. haha. and i wish i could live in a world without mirrors...

i think im bipolar...its amazing what a mood swing can do to u...oh and a little paranoic too but that comes in the blood.. i cant forget him...who couldve told..the fucking exbf who cheated on me and now im inlove again..wheres my self respect!!!! but i cant help it...he still got me right where he always has...if i just had a little dignity i could see hes not worth half a glance...but hes got me all..fuckkk it..

what the fuck is wrong with him!! i cant talk to him he is so perv and his mind is sooo dirty...i mean everything was alright i was seriously taking to him and he starts with his perv shit...goshhhhhhh he embarrasses me and himself and i cant talk to him anymore...

diary, im back to that place where all that matters is what you think, what you say and what you are...you dont know me anymore, yet i wish i could count stars with you one more time...some say youre not worth it..you show it sometimes but i wont believe it until you prove it by breaking my heart again...the night you hugged me to sleep awoke all the memories i had in me of you and they haunt my sleep begging me to kiss you...what do your eyes tell you when they look into mine ?

dear diary, ive been sad all morning and i was so sad all day yesterday...everythings got together and its too much for me to handle..my mom went to the rehab center to see my dad for the first time and i dont know how well they both are gonna take it..yesterday my friends this all this stuff and i wasnt invited..yeah so with those friends i dont need enemies anymore..ive been alone all weekend...i hadnt dealed with loneliness for a while, i had forgot how horrible it feels. im trying to distract myself with some homework, tv, food, but nothing works...i feel my heart pumping so hard and for oncei really really need to talk to someone about how bad i feel and its awful to notice i cant seem to find someone who would care enough, someone who will listen until the end, someone who i could open up completely to...im just so tired of everything..and i thought that maybe being alone all weekend would help..that it would be kind of a break from reality..but it worked the other way around, it made me realize how shitty my reality is..i really need someone right now...

dear diary, my lips were longing for a kiss trapped in his eyes as he looked to the sky and the tears in them faded the vision of the bright stars above us. the breeze lightly tried to pull me closer to him, but he pushed me away with his cold and sharp words, he didnt notice...as my hand tried desperately to feel his skin going unnoticed his hand seemed to know every movement i was about to make, and he blocked them so perfectly. sitting there after his long night made me think it was time to make a move, but he remembered me i had before and it didnt work, i spoiled it...at the end, when i knew everything was ruined and i tried gently and hopeless to save the last breath held in my lungs, with the sincerest "you know i love you" found in my heart, he said "i know" and turned away..but he really doesnt...he has no idea..