I've found that when I make a private entry, whatever the entry happens to be about, I'm only temporarily angry/annoyed/unhappy about it. and I figure it this way: If somebody doesn't like it, they can forget they read it. This is my diary...yes, it's a little weird knowing that people are going to read some of my deepest secrets and wonder about me, and yes, I'm afraid of that, but there is no private entry button in a real diary. Suppose someone were to find my diary sitting in my room on my table? I can't exactly say "oops, no, that's a private one." They're all private. In light of that, I'm giving up private entries. If you want to read this, by all means, please do; it may help you to grow with new ideas. If you find something you mislike, then forget it. Because I won't tolerate bitchy responses to what I feel, and I'll either drop kick yer IP address or simply say something along the lines of "If you weren't going to like it, then why did you read it?" on your comments. I respect others with private entries. I've found in myself in current events that I need to be more open. This is me. Here is my life. Name: Olan (we'll get to that later) Kyle Wesley Eveleth. I'm 17, going to be 18 on December 13. I'm 5'8", but I like to think I'm 5'9". In fact, I might be; a man I work with named John is 6'2", and I'm only about 3-4 inches shorter than he is. I have reddish brown hair I would love to call auburn, but it's far too brown for that. I can grow facial hair at an amazing rate. I'm only truly about 25% irish. I'm 50% German, 25% everything else. I have grey eyes. Sometimes they're blue, sometimes they're green; it depends on my mood and my clothes. I weigh 150 pounds, and I'm not sure if that is to be considered fat, normal, or skinny. I'm getting more muscular. I want to because I felt like I was inadequate. I do a lot of things because of that. I love photography. I love listening to people talk -- that doesn't mean I want to hear their opinions, sometimes, but I love the human voice and how beautfiul it can be in harmony. BRB --- rain. Ok back from that beautiful rain. I had a revelation whilst I was in the rain. I'm sad that it took something like that to teach me such a lesson. I was shivering from the cold rain, and I kept trying to stop. Then, I thought about Carla, how badly she shook when she was cold, but how happy she was from it. I wondered why, and as my body shook and shivered, I understood. She isn't afraid to feel weak like that. I shouldn't be either. Whether it's physical pain, mental pain, or simple bodily reactions, it isn't something we can help. We're only human. We're flawed. When we come together, when we socialize and live through that, we're mending our flaws. When we push others away, thinking that we're weak and insecure, we deepen those wounds. Carla: I'm sorry that I didn't understand this sooner, i.e. yesterday. I was too busy worrying about being weak or insecure or unprotective that I didn't even feel your hands on my back. My body did, but my soul was deadened. I didn't feel any of the comfort I should have because I was too worried to notice. I know it hurt you, and I apologize. It should have been no different than when you silently walked up to me and gave me three squeezes earlier. I felt protection, love, affection, joy, security, strength all in that one touch. And I should've felt it when I was writhing in pain. where was I? O yeah, likes and dislikes. I like being a pillar of strength. I like that Lindsey Rushlow said that if someone polled the school, I would probably be the nicest guy there. I love that. I'm glad people think of me the way I finally want them to, the way that I am. A smile is powerful. I don't look at yearbooks for the words or anything; I look at them because I love to see people smiling. It saddens me when someone doesn't. People say their smiles aren't great or that they dislike their smile. The human face is the most beautiful part of our body. It is capable of inequitable beauty, but at the same time undescribable sadness. All smiles are beautiful in their own way. I smile because I'm happy. I smile a lot these days. I have bipolar disorder, and I don't take pills. I'm afraid I'll lose myself if I do. I'm weak and fragile and insecure and easily hurt -- just like all of you. I'm also strong, unrelenting, courageous, and caring -- also like all of you.