its been literally almost a month. its crazy how time just flies by and before you know it almost a months passed and you dont know where it all went. things have been crazy as usual to say the least-- of course theres always drama... and then theres some good things that have been going on. but still life is crazy and confusing and frusterating--- but i guess in some ways its all worth it. well the last time i wrote it was right before we went to the show... and so much has really happened since then. so whoever reads this- if anyone at all- this is going to be a long entry so be preparded. starting back at the show-- me erin melissa danielle and brenda went and it was the funniest thing ever. we really had so much fun. and of course we got to see focus and hez perform-- and i got to see biggs. him and i talked and it was really awkward at first but we ended up hanging out later on. and i stayed with him and we just had a good time and i thought that things might actually be different this time. the next day me and melissa and erin went to his house to hang out and he was acting weird-- but later on he said that it was me acting different and all of this stuff and then we started to have this "serious" conversation-- but we never finished it. and basically i stopped talking to him because i just couldnt deal with any of the drama and bullshit... he literally had me in tears everyday for a week straight and i just couldnt deal with being that way. so i stopped calling him and talking to him. so around that same time mike and i started hanging out tonns. we basically talk every day now and usually see each other everyday. hes always at my house and its just crazy-- we still fight a lot but things have sorta got a little better. nothings happened and to be honest i dont think that anything will because he really fucked up by the whole katie situation-- not to mention that they both really really hurt me. and to be honest he hurts me a lot and sometimes i just wonder if he really realizes how much he does. i care about him a lot and i dont want anything to happen to him and i only want the best for him and i really wish he didnt take that for granted as much as he usually does. we spend a lot of time together so i think thats a big reason why we fight but i dont know-- its just crazy sometimes how everything can be fine and then like two seconds later were just fighting like crazy. im really confused with everything with him-- i dont know what exactly i want out of our relationship-- like i dont know if i just want us to stay friends like we are or if i want it to be anything more than that. sometimes i just want to be friends and then other times i want us to be more than that. i have feelings for him too but i dont know if i want to ruin our friendship by acting on those feelings-- and i deffinitly dont want to just be "friends with benifits" because ive been there and done that and im the one who ends up getting hurt. i dont know- i do know that i miss him when hes not around and i dont know- everything is just frusterating and confusing and im not sure what to do. so anyways... all of this other random stuff has happened but theres way to much stuff to type-- so im just gonna fast forward to last weekend... saturday i didnt go in to work-- and i now basically think that im gonna get fired. i called in and had a really good story but i dont know how much there really believing it or how much they really care. i need my job but at the same time i dont really care if i get fired because im so tired of working and still not getting anywhere... so during the day on saturday me erin mike and casey hung out and then we went to dinner and got movies to watch at my house. mike ended up leaving? which was kinda retarded but melissa came over and we all just hung out and watched movies for a while and stuff... and then later on saturday night i went and saw biggs. me and melissa went to hang out with him and focus and i was like all excited and stuff. and it made me realize that i do miss him so much-- but at the same time i was so proud of myself because i held my ground and didnt give into any temptations-- and trust me i was so tempted. but i basically was kinda bitchy to him and really like shut-off and i know that its basically because he hurt me so bad and im really scared to jump into anything with him. but i was pretty excited because he called looking for me :) and he wanted me to come and see him which was a nice change. but i said some things that came off really mean and bitchy (it was kinda the point but not as bad as it seemed) and i know that it really pissed him off. i havent talked to him since then... but maybe this weekend ill get to see him? who knows. i dont really know how i feel-- i know that i really really miss him a lot and i have a lot of feelings for him so i guess that we'll just have to wait and see. so i guess other than that nothings really been new... i deffinitly left out so much stuff but im way to tired to type out everything thats happened in the last month. so again-- until whenever?