LASTNIGHTI went to the movies to see The Grudge. It was the first time I've been since August, if I'm not mistaken. It was a pretty good movie, though it took a while to pick up. And finally, The Vampire Slayer is in a movie that I can tolerate. EMOTIONI'm feeling a lot better. I said that I would move on from Erika, and I did, I just acted on it a little while later. I think I feel the way about her that she wants me to: I don't. Well of course I feel for her, but I think it's at a point where she's another friend. A best friend, I think. I hope. One thing that does make me sad is the thought that maybe for a while I haven't been in love with her, but lonely. And maybe I was never dependent, but afraid of loneliness. INTELLIGENCEErika and I had an argument in fourth block today about who's smarter. Blah blah blah im fake blah blah if im so smart i shouldnt ask for help yadda yadda yadda. I think [Again I hope] that both of us were aware it was a fun arguement. I know I knew. Later I thought about it and realized that she or no one can tell me how smart I am. I'm not good, at the moment, with presenting the things I learn because of maybe my problems with wording things orally or just leaving out an important detail. Plus half the things I learn [by reading, of course], I have a hard time with saying certain words. That's if it involves things that I'm unfamiliar with in everyday vocabulary, such as things involving Jewish Mysticism or something. But I think unless someone injects me with retarded juice, then someday I'll rise above a lot of people who know more than me, like the people who would see this and think how lame I am because I said retarded juice in the same paragraph where I'm trying to make a point about intelligence. Mentally, I've grown a lot. Anyone who's known me for years would probably agree with that. Maybe. I could embarrass myself and say why, but I'll save it. To say that simply though, I've just accepted learning and knowledge beyond "Why do we have to know this if we're not going to need it in real life" in the last couple of years. In these last couple of years, I truly believe I've learn more than the other fourteen years before it. And in two more years I know I can look back and say that I've learned more than I have in the past 16 years and it will continue to the very exact moment that my intelligence will begin to dwindle because there'll never be an inbetween. So Erika, you can't say you're smarter than me either. I am a fast learner. CREATIVITYThere was also the talk of her being a better writer because she's smarter. Being new to writing for my own purposes, it was somewhat of a let down. Maybe because I admire her for her ability to write so well? I'm practicing. Just one short story so far and a small list of poems [This is with the exception of school, of course]. Sometime I'll be good enough. In the meantime, she can learn how to use a paintbrush...if she'd like. And I mean that in the kindest, fairest way. :-) OBSESSIONIs there a good reason for making an entire entry about Erika? My ex love. My ex...feeling for existing. No, there isn't, but this is what I felt and everything was written in the spur of the moment. Originally this entry was going to end with a little bit about redneck "Nigger Haters." But I ended up getting deeper about a little fun argument from fourth block. Notice the title. So it wasn't intended to be dedicated to Erika at all. Infact I think I was going to put a little thingy in here to Kelly again, too. ENDINGGod1 hates black faggot marriages