P.P.S. THE STIMULI OR THE EGG?: "Okay, I wasn't even really serious when I said all that. But whatever. I won't even bother talking to you AT ALL anymore. You're such an asshole. Thanks for reminding me why I began ignoring you in the first place." "P.S. Josh, please don't comment anymore. I wasn't really planning on cutting you out of my life, but maybe I should. " -Erika (writing from sitDiary) THE STIMULI OR THE EGG?: There are things that we wish would just end. Sometimes human beings hold onto things because they're afraid that that thing will end. End, sometimes by death and sometimes by separation. There's no reason in fearing the end of someone when the known loved one has already died--has already departed. Erika, there is honestly no value left in who I know you as today. In the past, I remember our little conversations, where we shared our thoughts on love. You, or maybe me, but probably both, said that we really loved each other, and we just knew it was true love. Right now, I still say it was true love, and that's not a once-existing feeling that I plan to denounce. My view on "true love" is not the traditional belief that it never dies out; rather true love--or any love, for that matter--can exist on many levels, but is always susceptible to change. I do not believe fate brings lovers together, rather lovers intermingle and create a bond. Of our bond, I had always considered you the greater portion. You were in control; the possessive (and just perhaps I was the obsessive?). Until the very end of our little cup of tea, no matter how horrible you were to me, physically or verbally, you remained an incredible person in my mind. Though, you said I changed so much, you never explained how I changed. However, I agree. I have changed, and for the better, I do believe. It should be noted that, most likely, any large change brought on was as a result of you in my life. You impacted me greatly, and it's fair that you acknowledge that, my once creative Victor. And now, what about your changes? I suppose you can't view yourself through my eyes. And that's okay. But looking back on everything that comes to mind, I can't find you as anything more than a monster emerging from the depth of your existence. Though in the beginning, you were a bit deceitful to me, in response to my want to be your boyfriend, I felt then you were a good person. You were deceitful to me in a large way through the beginning of our relationship, as I recall, and as you confessed just a couple months ago when speaking of your feelings on the start of our relationship. As time passed, it became clear through your verbal behavior, that you wanted there to be distance between us. That's first by my comprehension, and secondly by your later stating that you just wanted me to go away sometimes (not necessarily in those words). Sometimes you brought physical pain on me, I suppose, for laughs. Pulling my hair, hitting me, kicking me, kicking me. But, no matter what, I loved you. And I loved you, I believe, until the break up previous to our last. The end of our relationship was no longer of love, but of loneliness, as we neared a finale. I'd think that you feel this way as well. But as my feelings of loneliness became to be exceeded by feelings of care, friendliness, and laughs, etc., from other sources, my former feelings of happiness began to be renewed. And as they were renewed, I became aware that I didn't love you anymore, and then it was as though I could see right through you, as I should have long, long ago. Oddly enough, this was just after you had told me you wanted me to stop loving you. And I did. Just like that. It seems as though when I respond to every cruel thing you've said to me (which are the only things you've said to me in so long), you try to bury it by telling me you were "kind of kidding" or something similar to those words. It doesn't matter if you joke anymore, or how much you don't joke. The point is you've become a whole different person to me, one that I don't care to associate with, because of the hideous nature you've adopted. That's all that really matters right now, Erika. If you should ever become the great person I remember you as, or something completely different, but just as great, then maybe I'd have more respect for you, and I'd hate ever losing you as my friend. But until then, I only know that I lost you a long time ago. -The Stimuli or the Egg?