One of the beliefs I've carried over through my many rebirths are that people decide when they want to die. And that's a really powerful statement I've made. To say something like that and believe it is absolutely ridiculous, but I suppose you could say that's a philosophy I've maintained within my phenomenotheist belief. And again, that term itself has some meaning I've adopted as my own. It's reality as I, or its practicers would, see it. In truth, I know death could strike at any given moment. But given I have a certain mentality that allows me to arrogantly believe such a lie, such bullshit, is what creates in itself the chance that maybe I will die, but not before I say Fire. Such a thing has the same essence as Faith, as people call it. But faith is a dead word to me, because I don't like how people associate it with other subjects. Once again I'm feeling this urge to create, but in ways I haven't. And I have a lack of fear of the future right now, because I know I'm going somewhere with these urges and tendencies I'm having now. I've restored a certain feeling of belief in myself again, since certain honesty has come to terms with the battling feelings in my head. The fact that I feel like shit lately for certain things has renewed a sense of strength and determination in my mind; that the future will at some point cater to my every need. My art is starting to amount to a complexity. Not in the skill necessarily, but in my inspiration. The images I'm creating, I feel are deeper, because they make me feel the way a famous painter's painting might make me feel. I've sketched one painting I plan on doing in art so far, and I'm visualizing something great with it, and I can only hope to achieve this visual. And my writing too. Suddenly I feel a wealth of energy that I want to express through my writing again, like with my art. I think that feeling has made me vigorous enough to want to produce a better flow and multiple perspectives with my writing. A long time ago, close to a year, I think, I had all these ideas that I wanted to post on my blogs. And the reason they became false promises is because deep down I didn't give a shit, and I didn't know it yet. I don't care about the crucifixion of Jesus, because it probably never happened, as I see it. Crucifixion might be fun to write about, but I don't care about retelling different people's take on that fairytale. I'm still interested in all of these things though. But I have a different passion for all of them. I don't want to instruct people how to believe in their god, or what could have happened to their god, but I don't mind searching for myself, and retelling it on a day they might listen. But I feel no need to write essays that serve hardly any purpose to anyone. Maybe if it's a necessity, but otherwise my fixation is set in different places. I still have this obsession with wanting knowledge of everything, but I want to express this knowledge in different ways. At this very moment in time, I feel like writing about myself. I feel like rewriting Skeptic Syndrome, because after re-reading it recently, I decided I didn't like what it did. I didn't like the way even I read it and felt nothing. I left out a lot of details and I wrote it in a different voice than the one I feel belongs there. I wrote it in as an uncertainty of who I am. But I know exactly who I am, when it comes to that piece of my life right now. I want to write about why I'm a stalker of sorts -Why I want to milk you of everything you know about some girl I've never heard of in my life, and never even wish to know -Why I want to suck you dry of every thought that is in your mind - Why I want to see pictures of you on the internet and save them to my computer, just because I feel like someday I could be the one that some kid with hope saves to his computer in hopes that he will someday be just as attractive and powerful as I look in that particular shot. I just don't think you could possibly fathom how great, but how angry, I feel right now. How I feel great because I'm going to come out on top, but I'm angry because I will have to make sacrifices, GREEDY sacrifices, that are only sacrifices because everyone loves money that much. I know I'll make it through college. I know I'll be an array of artist. I know I'll be a role model, regardless of the fact I might not care personally about the people that admire me from a distance. I'm feeling something right now that I don't think I've ever felt before. I'm feeling a part of every feeling. And it's making me feel great.