Well my last day of school was on Tuesday, and now I can reflect on all the goods and all the betters. Notice that when I say year, I am meaning school year--as in August 5, 2004(?) to May 24, 2005. [A lot...no...a ton...of what I wrote in this has been extracted for plans to put in my t r a u m a t i s m blog. Yes it's for more than poems now. It's for personal opinion, too!] tree of knowledge of good and evil Plenty of people questioned me this year and never gave me a chance to answer, and plenty others never even questioned. I'm sure many can guess why. Some people support their motives with delusive understandings, and that's fine until they cause worthy arguments to go stale, and they cause others to frown upon them, but they never care and never notice, because they really just do not even understand themselves. The stupid are the only ones that have ever wanted to misunderstand me. Knowledge is dead. I find that I'm able to bind my spirituality with knowledge, because I have this intense ambition to become some type of superior guiding light of sorts (bear with me, folks, sometimes things like this are the only words you feel). I want to know everything, and therefore I'm on a quest for knowledge. And that's become religion for me. One thing that I feel inspires my learning are my obstacles. The ones who don't want to leave their own minds to explore. Let's see. Go all the way back. I actually think my first notable encounter of eleventh grade with enemies was racism oriented. So let's explain. There's this very stupid black chick, right? I hate her for her stupidity. The black kids gang up and decide this makes me racist. I get harrassed. I talk back to one, and he always ends up threatening me. Nothing ever happened, other than a nice little poem called NIGGnorant that I still wish I would have shown them. This chick's boyfriend later gets really pissed off with me because I supposedly laughed at an accident that occured with her and a dog. And I didn't (not at the time he accused me of, at least. I laughed quite happily at other, more appropriate, times however). So much dragged on with these situations, mainly the first, but it was all due to someone's misunderstanding. Then there were so many people who disapproved of my religious beliefs. I feel like some encounters aren't worth mentioning, because they're basically all the same. I could probably count a total of 10 or so this entire school year. I felt as though last semester's were more harsh and people were a lot less understanding. The ones this semester, as I recall, were more of a concerned state for me. I will mention one of this girl Hannah, and this girl, Brittany. They're both friends. And both strongly disagree with me. Hannah was a large problem for me, because I felt she never listened. She, nor her friend, Brittany, would listen to a word I had to say. I was only allowed to hear their thoughts. That's how things seem at the moment. Soon all that dried up, and religious intolerance was never expressed again. Continue below to find out where Hannah and Brittany are in my life today. One group of people I had started to write an essay for, but I soon stopped. It was regarding why I chose some of the things I did. I still have the beginning piece for that writing. I should delete it now. Friends Foreverless I met so many nice people in eleventh grade. Just a quick list of some very, very good friends I made: Lisa, Christina, Kelly, Belinda, Kenny, Amber, Hannah, Brittany, Jessica, Lesley, and Liz. Then there are those people that you loved, but you honestly couldn't carry a conversation on with them. Now to pick out the ones who seemed to go through much agony with me. Not much agony, but you know. Hannah - The girl that I got that very bad start with. I'm not sure how we became friends, I just ended up talking to her. We've shared many laughs. Many, many laughs. She really became one of my favorite people. Nothing ever comes up about our differences, it's all just fun. She's not someone I'll hear from until I see her at school again, but she's totally a good friend. Brittany (also mentioned above) - I laugh so hard with her. I had been friends with her before--second grade, eighth grade, and then this year. She's currently one of my very best friends. I love her to death. I believe I make her angry with some of the things I say, but everything ends up in a laugh. I think her for all the good things she's done for me. And I hope she'll always be somewhere in my life. Kelly - I don't know what to say about some things. I think she is a very smart person, though. She made me laugh some. Uh. Her house always smelled pretty clean. And her mom made good desserts. Our relationship was messed up, I believe, because some people do not like confrontation. Instead they vent to other people. And they avoid the person that they do not confront. And a relationship is destroyed, and by the time it's over, you realize that person isn't who you thought they were the whole time. I'm either talking about myself or her. Pick. More on Kelly later. Liz - Talking about her makes me want to stop talking about her. I think our relationship hurt so much, because of her shyness. That mysterious attitude of hers. I spent a Saturday with her once. It was a very great day. We rode, went to the movies, watched a movie at her house, and I ended up staying until two in the morning. I've talked to her on the phone for hours at the time. She said nice things about me, I said nice things about her. Then suddenly was the feeling that because of my heavy feelings for her, it broke the ice our relationship stood on. And I'm not sure if we're still friends today. It just doesn't feel like it did. I no longer like her like that. But I really love her as a friend, and I hope we can continue being friends in the future. I just don't know where we are in our relationship at the moment. But I must say, her art has really inspired me. It is amazing. And the people I didn't mention - I really care about them, there were just no controversial moments between us. I especially care for Belinda, who became one of my very, very bestfriends. Love Li(f)e I say this because the Love in me became really slutty. Let's start with my ex/still bestfriend, Erika. We tried our relationship again way on early in September, I think. It didn't last too long, and we broke up just before what would have been our third year anniversary (previous break-ups included in that time). The grounds for our relationship pretty much became physically and emotionally violent, but I was so dependent on her that I didn't care how I was being treated, I just didn't want to be alone. Eventually I broke lose, and stopped being so attached. That's when rebound action took place! My new bestfriend at the time, Kelly, was there. I really liked her, because she seemed to be pretty smart and seemed to be pretty innocent. I figured she'd be the ideal person for me. I started liking her a bit, and so on. I ended up asking her out, in December, I believe. But due to personal reasons, she couldn't date me. Then I kind of dropped that idea, but continued being her friend, until our relationship quickly drew to a close, after we saw our last movie together at the theater. Later, I started back talking to Erika, after a short ongoing hatred between us, and she was talking about this one girl, Liz, who I'd seen around school before, but never really noticed her. I heard she was a great artist and seemed to be really interesting. For Erika (who really wanted to know her) and I to become her friend, I decided to write her a note, and have a friend of hers--a friend of mine, as well--give it to her. It was coincidental that they just happened to know each other AND be neighbors. This note had my phone number on it, and later, to my surprise, she called me. We began talking. And I began to fall for her. Stronger feelings began to develop, and then pop. A realization of sorts drew me out of it. I imagine things will stay that way. Oh yes, and there was Brittany after Kelly, who I got a teeny crush on for a short period of time, but it was just. You know. One of those things. And now currently. For the sake of her own privacy, I won't talk of what is going on right now with her. It's insane, the whole story. Maybe in the future! A change in feelings I feel like through the course of this year, a lot of my views have, indeed, strengthened. And I'm being stitched together more and more as more is revealed to me about the many objects in life. But this is what my communication for you all over the internet is for. To reveal these things in my path. So I'll leave this as it is. And I end very suddenly! But some pictures of myself now! I'm wearing some eyeliner Erika gave me in these pictures, but it doesn't show here very well. The Crumbling of Leaves (Secondary)