So, I have decided to stop lying. Well, not completely. I mean, I'll still lie...but I'm not going to lie about 85 percent of the things that I do lie about.
I came clean to Willy. He needed to know the truth. I told him that I haven't truly liked him since October. And that my feelings sort of did come back in February but, I pushed them away.
I must admit, I was a bitch. And the conversation shall be put into here. (: Because ya know...
BURGERKINGWILLY: im one of the reasons u dont trust ppl
hulloiloveyouxo: yes, you are
BURGERKINGWILLY: i understand
BURGERKINGWILLY: and im sorry
BURGERKINGWILLY: but i know it isnt enough
hulloiloveyouxo: yeah, it's really not
hulloiloveyouxo: cos now, with everything anybody says....i will always question their honesty
hulloiloveyouxo: even with Ryan. (which is a very bad thing to do...)
BURGERKINGWILLY: omg i ruined ur thoughts
BURGERKINGWILLY: im rlly sorry
hulloiloveyouxo: hey don't be
BURGERKINGWILLY: well i am
BURGERKINGWILLY: i feel terrible about it
hulloiloveyouxo: yeah. you actually should.
hulloiloveyouxo: but i'm a sort of nice person and sometimes i like to be nice and say "don't worry about it" or something that is a giant lie
hulloiloveyouxo: you see, i'm a liar. i lie...about most things...
hulloiloveyouxo: i'd admit that.
BURGERKINGWILLY: so u dont wanna hang out?
hulloiloveyouxo: oh, i want to hang out with you. cos your my friend. just i don't wanna do anything with you.
BURGERKINGWILLY: i feel the same way too
hulloiloveyouxo: and when i say that i want to do things with you, i don't mean that.
BURGERKINGWILLY: and i rlly mean that
hulloiloveyouxo: i haven't meant any "sexual" feelings toward you since like....maybe september...or october...or before that.
BURGERKINGWILLY: r u serious
BURGERKINGWILLY: ?
BURGERKINGWILLY: so u did a lot of lying to me since then
hulloiloveyouxo: i try to make people happy
BURGERKINGWILLY: sometimes the truth is better off
BURGERKINGWILLY: cuz now i feel like a complete asshole
hulloiloveyouxo: i mean, feelings sort of did coming back in february...maybe...but i pushed them away.
hulloiloveyouxo: ...why do you feel like an asshole?
BURGERKINGWILLY: cuz of how i felt about you and you saying you felt the way until ryan and saying u wanted to kiss me and all this but i guess it was a lie
hulloiloveyouxo: look, i have liked ryan since October. and i'm sorry, but you and i, we could never ever ever work out
hulloiloveyouxo: i just tried making you happy because i thought that was what you wanted
BURGERKINGWILLY: i wanted the truth
BURGERKINGWILLY: and i've told u that a million times
hulloiloveyouxo: mmm hmmm
hulloiloveyouxo: ...your point?
BURGERKINGWILLY: nvm
BURGERKINGWILLY: im sorry
hulloiloveyouxo: nvm what?
BURGERKINGWILLY: i dont wanna care n e more
hulloiloveyouxo: about what.?
BURGERKINGWILLY: ugh just forget it
hulloiloveyouxo: no
hulloiloveyouxo: hey, i thought you wanted honesty, you're getting it...now.
hulloiloveyouxo: i've had this in my head for a while now...i figured i should tell you sooner or later
BURGERKINGWILLY: well i guess im sorry for loving you as long as i did
hulloiloveyouxo: ugh, you mean you actually did?
BURGERKINGWILLY: yes ok
hulloiloveyouxo: okay
BURGERKINGWILLY: im sorry
hulloiloveyouxo: for what?
BURGERKINGWILLY: im being a dick
hulloiloveyouxo: ...no you're not
BURGERKINGWILLY: u didnt think i actually loved you?
hulloiloveyouxo: no. like i said, i have zero percent trust in people
BURGERKINGWILLY: =/
hulloiloveyouxo: exactly
BURGERKINGWILLY: i dno wat to say
BURGERKINGWILLY: just i guess well
BURGERKINGWILLY: idk
hulloiloveyouxo: .......
BURGERKINGWILLY: i need a shot or 7
hulloiloveyouxo: ...shot ... of what
hulloiloveyouxo: ?
BURGERKINGWILLY: moonshine if possible
hulloiloveyouxo: why?
BURGERKINGWILLY: not rlly sure
hulloiloveyouxo: ...bullshit
BURGERKINGWILLY: i just feel like a complete fucking idiot now
hulloiloveyouxo: why?
BURGERKINGWILLY: cuz i truelly love you and thought that you loved me too but it was all a joke/lie
hulloiloveyouxo: no. i did love you.
BURGERKINGWILLY: i mean the past 7 months or so
hulloiloveyouxo: oh
hulloiloveyouxo: okay. well, obviously. i've had chris...and then i met Ryan.
hulloiloveyouxo: besides...we've only met each other like....4 or 5 times...right? yes, i think so
BURGERKINGWILLY: watever
BURGERKINGWILLY: the past is done with
hulloiloveyouxo: hey willy, we're both happy right now aren't we? we're both in successful relationships aren't we?
hulloiloveyouxo: be glad for what you have. not what would never happen
BURGERKINGWILLY: yeah but what kind of friendship is this holding out 8 months to be honest
hulloiloveyouxo: hey, i stated before that my feelings toward you did come back in february...
hulloiloveyouxo: but i did push them away.
BURGERKINGWILLY: ehh watever
hulloiloveyouxo: be mad at me
hulloiloveyouxo: you should
BURGERKINGWILLY: im not
BURGERKINGWILLY: ok
hulloiloveyouxo: be mad at me
BURGERKINGWILLY: i just havent been sleeping much
hulloiloveyouxo: don't talk to me
BURGERKINGWILLY: and im tired
BURGERKINGWILLY: is that wat u want?
hulloiloveyouxo: well, hey, you should be mad at me, you shouldn't talk to me.
hulloiloveyouxo: i've been trying to get you to stop talking to me for...like...a month or two.
hulloiloveyouxo: duh
BURGERKINGWILLY: wow
hulloiloveyouxo: what/
BURGERKINGWILLY: so u dont even wanna b friends?
hulloiloveyouxo: oh, no. i do.
BURGERKINGWILLY: then y r u trying to get me to stop tlking to you?
hulloiloveyouxo: because in the case of it happening, i don't want old feelings to resurface.
hulloiloveyouxo: i need you to stop liking me
BURGERKINGWILLY: well im pretty sure mine wont for you now
BURGERKINGWILLY: i dont like you
hulloiloveyouxo: well then, act like it
hulloiloveyouxo: act like you don't like me
BURGERKINGWILLY: as of now i dont
BURGERKINGWILLY: cuz of all the things
BURGERKINGWILLY: i feel like i dont even know you
hulloiloveyouxo: (: hey hey, you really don't know a person till you have a full conversation in person
BURGERKINGWILLY: but yeah im sorry im feeling rlly tired im like dozing off as we speak
BURGERKINGWILLY: ttyl
BURGERKINGWILLY: byebye
hulloiloveyouxo: that's good.
hulloiloveyouxo: bye
BURGERKINGWILLY: im sorry
hulloiloveyouxo: for what?
BURGERKINGWILLY: everything i put you through
hulloiloveyouxo: you should be
BURGERKINGWILLY: and ruining ur life and trust in ppl
hulloiloveyouxo: yeah.
hulloiloveyouxo: well, i'm not sorry for not telling you the truth. you pretty much deserved it
*****
and then later
hulloiloveyouxo: i was just trying to be honest as fuck tonight
BURGERKINGWILLY: yeah the honesty did kill me but
BURGERKINGWILLY: ill get over it
hulloiloveyouxo: sorry
BURGERKINGWILLY: it's for the better
hulloiloveyouxo: it really is
BURGERKINGWILLY: and i do deserve for you to hate me because of everything
******
Hey what can I say, sometimes a girl needs to be brutally honest! I really do feel sort of bad for putting him thru torture for that long. But seriously, nobody knows what happened between us since January 2005. And let's just say, he did a WHOLE lot of lying and I was a fucking idiot and forgave him every fucking time.
WHY????!
Who the fuck knows. Well, I do. I loved him. Good thing that feeling has been gone for a loooooooong time.
Now he's finally over me! Yes! I've wanted this for a while. I'm happy it finally happened.
*****************
Say, I miss Ryan. I won't get to see him until Wednesday. Or maybe after Wednesday.
:(
):
Bummer. :'(
(:
at least youu told the truth. i almost always tell the truth becuase i cant lie for crap. but that gets me in the worst situations sometimes. i was thinking that maybe myy crush would still talk to me if i didnt answer his question honestlyy becuase he wanted me to. maybe then, there wouldnt be such awkwardness.
whatever. two more days of school. two more days of him ignoring me. i can deal. (=
whoo, im surprised that comment actuallyy commented. ive been trying to comment youu for a while now, but i just found out that youu cant use apostrophes. so yea. no more apostrophes. lol.
(:
whatever. two more days of school. two more days of him ignoring me. i can deal. (=