"There's an emptiness inside her and she'll do anything to fill it in." - Grey Street - Dave Matthews Band
There is seriously something wrong with me. I'm really really sad. I've been like this for a couple of days now. =/ I don't know what to do. I've been having really terrible dreams about Ryan breaking up with me. I had one last night. I had one the night before. And I may have had one the night before that one.
I feel torn, but I don't know why. I feel broken up inside. Once again, I don't know why. Cos I'm at a really happy stage in my life...but then, I don't know. This feeling of depression...just came at me. And hit me hard. Or maybe it's just cos I'm a girl and girls get a most lovely friend every fucking month. =(
And I wish I could talk to somebody about this...but I really can't.
Lindy isn't able to help...I don't see her as that kind of a friend. I don't talk to Valerie enough anymore for her to help me. Willy, ehhhh, I don't like to talk about my problems with him...it's awkward. Harmony, we haven't actually been close friends this year. And then there's Alex. My wonderful Alessio. But the last time I talked to him...was at least 3 months ago. He doesn't know anything going on in my life right now. Hell, he doesn't even know Ryan and I are together. (Of course he knew about me totally liking Ryan...but since we haven't talked, he doesn't know anything.) So I can't really go to him like I usually do. Hmmm, let's see, Nikki, nope, can't use her, I only go to her for ummmm........advice on one specific matter because that's her strong point. Brianne, wouldn't even dream of talking to her about it. Justin, I really really would, like seriously, but that kid...he's just getting more fucked up. And then there's Ryan. I really can't talk to him about this. I just can't. And I can't even give a good reason. I'm just not able to do so.
Yeah, so therefore, all my psycho emotions/thoughts shall be kept bottled up inside of me. Because I can't talk to anybody about them. And if I could. I wouldn't. I only truly trust one person out of the above list. Take a guess which one! You'll never get it. (It's Alessio. He's been there for me...thru my suicidal period, my Chris stupidity, even worse my Willy stupidity. And he knows just so much about me, so much I wouldn't tell my best friends. And he's absolutely one of the greatest guys I have EVER talked to...And one of the nicest...and DEFINATELY one of the most intelligent.)
I'm screwed. Obviously.
Well, whatever. I'm not going to waste an entry on that bogus. On into my day, shall we? Yep.
I woke up. Obviously. I watched Ghana KILL the Czech Republic 2 to nothing. (: Spiffy. I needed Ghana to win, desperately, for the sake of the USA team. Then I watched USA vs. Italy. I got interrupted more than half way into the second half. And was FORCED to go to my 4th cousin's graduation party. Have I ever mentioned I dislike the kid? And that the kid (named Chris) dislikes me? I probably have. So anyway, I go...my dad and I go join some guy (Ron, I dislike his family too) and finish watching the game. 1 to 1. Good enough. I guess. I wish the USA had won. =/ But a draw is good. They still have a chance to make it. (: !!!
Anyway, after that. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. First off, a heads up. I am not fond of Chris's parents. They're my 3rd cousins. Linda & Jeff. Linda is just like wayyyy overly nice and Jeff is just plain weird. They have 2 sons. Chris, a stupid jock who is ruder than rude. And then there's Jeff, or Jay as some people in the family call him. He's practically the only normal-ish being in that whole family. He's incredibly smart, which I didn't know, especially in political science, which he is majoring in. I do have to say, out of all of them, I like Jay the most. By far.
Anyway, it was one of the WORST parties I have ever been to. Like 10 adults showed up, which I don't think is including Linda and Jeff. Ummmm, Chris had like a maximum of six friends show up. So, I think that states that he doens't have many. I wouldn't be his friend. He's a dick. And Jay had one friend.
And then there was me. Ugh. Oh and Emily!! James's 2 year-old sister. Or maybe she's 3. I don't know. James wasn't there. He's a lucky bastard. But his parents were. His mum told me he was off some place with Erin. I don't remember what she said. I don't care to remember either. But she's sooo adorable! And really nice. She waved to me every time she saw me. YES, SOMEBODY ACTUALLY NOTICED I WAS THERE!!! Well, so did Vinny. Linda's cousin. And he was evil to me. And pretty much made fun of me cos I didn't talk very much. Oh I'm sorry, I don't like this fucking half of my fucking family you dick. Gosh. I seriously can't stand annoying pieces of crap.
(: Obviously, I'm in a great mood! Can't you tell?
I think I just need a full 12 hours of a dreamless sleep. Cos this is not helping my life out. Stupid fucking dreams.
I need to get away. Yes, I need to get away from my house. My friends. And most definately my family. I just want to go somewhere far away without these worries. And these thoughts in my head. =/ These thoughts are being generated by this environment that's surrounding me.
I could run away. I wouldn't get anything out of it. I need to pull my self together cos I'm falling apart. I haven't cried in a while. Maybe I could use one now.
I really don't know what to do.
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