On Friday, I finally cracked. I was supposed to give blood, and then I didn't have any ID on me, so they sent me to the office. Luckily the Vice Principle signed some paper that said I could give blood. So anyway, when the Red Cross person goes to take my pulse, it's 106 and it had to be 100 or lower. Well, then I had to go sit back with other people who were awaiting to give blood for five minutes. The second time my pulse was checked, I was exactly on 100. Anyway, so I went to lay down on one of the bed-like objects and asked the woman nicely if she could use my left arm; she complied. Now, I would have happily liked to continue this by saying I gave blood and that I helped out the world. But, nay, happiness isn't one of the strong points in my life right now. My veins were too thin or something and three of the women tried to get the needle to derive some blood. They weren't able to succeed. So then I asked them if they could do my right arm instead. One of them asked the main person in charge and that person said no. I didn't get to help the world. I didn't get to make a difference. I cracked. I started crying. So many people saw, too. And I cried for a while. Nobody understand how much I needed to prove to myself that I can make a difference. Nobody knew how important it was for me to try to change the world. And when they told me that I couldn't give blood, everything just flowed out of me. I became vulnerable, I couldn't remain strong. My will power was too weak against the tears that have been storing up for the past week. I returned to class in the middle of third period. The first to know was Brittany. She really didn't understand, but she did her best to try and comfort me. Even Kyle noticed something was wrong, and we're not even friends. From that point on, the day went by too slow. In fourth period, I was there physically, perhaps even mentally, but my heart just wasn't there. Lunch came and it really didn't mean much to me. I wasn't hungry, but I ate my apple anyway. I doubt Amelia or Isabel even noticed I was upset. Nothing I'm not used to. Fifth period, once again, there physically, but definitely not mentally. During health I worked with somebody who had seen me cry. I don't know why, I just felt like we had a connection. And seventh period, well, nothing really happened. Ari brought up that I looked like I was crying during english, the period I went back to class. I had to forcefully tell her and Melissa that I wasn't crying. Yes, a lie, but Ari needs to learn to be sensitive for others. On the bus ride home, silently a tear every once in a while slid down my face. I couldn't help it. When I got home, my mum immediately noticed that there was something wrong. She tried to comfort me with loving ways. I rejected her. I didn't want her to hug me. I didn't want to even talk to her. When I did tell her, she didn't have a big reaction. She didn't understand my ways. She didn't understand that I'm out to prove myself to myself that I am strong, that I am capable of helping others, that I will commit to making this world a better place. I don't think she even understands that now. She probably never will. I have wanted to talk to Jon all weekend, his words are very comforting, even if it's not his voice, I can tell he at least cares. The last time I had talked to him he told me to "be happy that tomorrow is Friday and to have a good day" and other lovely stuff like that. In the morning, before I went to the blood drive, I went to the cafeteria to eat a free breakfast. He was there talking to Jamie, our mutual friend, across the table. He went around the table and gave me a small tab on the shoulder. I'm not sure if it was just a recognization that I was there and that we're friends or if it was a friendly gesture because he knows about so many things that I don't confide to other people. Maybe he meant the tap to mean: "You're a great person, don't be sad." I don't know. But whatever his reason was, I'm glad he did it. Another fellow that I have been able to confess some dark secrets to, is Punzi. I don't know why I do. I don't know why I trust him. He's just there. And he listens. And he won't tell anybody. And he always has such good positive feedback. It's really strange, but I trust those two, Jon and Punzi, guys that I only became friends with this school year more than I trust some of my other friends, whom I have known longer. For instance, I can honestly say that I trust Jon more than I trust Amelia. I trust them both more than I trust Ari, Ruby, and Isabel. So yes, I guess you could say I have a trust-issue with my friends. Honestly, the only friends of mine that are girls that I can trust more than Jon and Punzi would be Brianne, Julie, and Brittany. Oh well, I doubt my friends are realizing that I'm not myself. Well, Ari has noticed. That's sort of funny. Ari has noticed. Not only have I started fights with her this year, we stopped talking, a friendship almost completely ended, I said so much crap to her that I would have truly stopped talking to me for the rest of my life if I was her. I have been a down right bitch to her. But yet, she has been the one to notice. Not Amelia, whom I share a common fun of bashing Ari. But nope, Amelia doesn't confide in me, actually, I haven't talked to her since Wednesday, I think. Yeah. Doesn't look like it's affecting her much. I don't care anymore though. I think I may even trust Felsman more than I trust her. And that's pretty pathetic. I mean, I've been talking to Felsman for only a few weeks, probably three at the most. Before that, we barely knew each other. But he's such a gentleman. Really, I don't think Amelia deserves him. But anyway, I'm trying to get all my emotions that I've been bottling up out. However, that really doesn't work unless I'm speaking to somebody who understands me. I could talk to Luis, but I don't know. I don't feel that strong for him anymore. I think I have come to a conclusion that we're 500 miles apart, soon to be made like 1,000 miles. There's no chance for us. There probably never was. Oh well. One more heartache that I'll have to forget about. Oh well. What else is new. I really think that my main emotion right now is lonliness. I have so many people in my life that do love me. But I'm missing something. It feels as though there is a huge chunk of my heart missing. I don't really know how to explain it. And I don't know how to fill that empty spot. That's it. I'm empty. I don't want to write anymore. I'm physically exhausted. I finally celebrated Earth Day with Val & Kristina, we cleaned up the road. It felt good, however, I was not satisfied. Why?? I don't know. It's hard to explain these things, obviously. Well, I should definitely be in bed by 11, I have a test in history which I need a good rest for. Thank you.