I know this is really long, but please just take a minute to read it guys, i really need some good advice. Leave lots of comments! Okay, so as you guys all know, there are now two guys in my life that i have slight feelings for, although they are both very different. Is that wrong? Anywho. . .the first one, i have had feelings for, for a very long long time. I dont know why, but no matter what shit he pulls, i cant let go. I cant progress. I am miserable when i think about him, but im so happy when i am with him. Its weird. And very confusing. We have the most fucked up history in the world, and i dont think that there is much room in his life for me to attempt to improve upon our relationship. I dont think there is much room in his life for me period. But i cant let go. The second guy, i just met like 5 days ago. And already i like him. This is probably the quickest i have ever "fallen" for someone. Im not in love, just somewhat smitten. He is awesome, insanely sweet, and even though i really dont know him well at all. . . what i do know about him, i like. He doesnt have a girlfriend, and all of the people that were with us for those lovely two days, though very very very annoyed with our incessant flirting, think that he likes me too. I want him to like me. I want so badly for him to like me. I want so badly to listen to my friends' insisting that he does, but i cant, bc i know i will just get my hopes up about nothing, once again, and heartbreak is inevitable. Just bc... thats how it goes. Okay, so bc this entry is all about these two guys, and bc i dont want to have to keep typing "the first guy" and "the second guy", lets call number one "paul" and number two "ray". Fair enough? Right...so, "ray" lives like 3 hours away from me. He only comes in like every 2 months, if that. I dont have his number, or screen name, and he has none of my info either. Pretty much the only useful info i have about him is i know his name, and hes best friends with my other friend "john". I doubt seriously that i will ever see him again, unfortunately. I saw "paul" the other day. He was informing mica about his sexcapades over the holidays. The funny thing is, i didnt care. It really didnt upset me at all, surprisingly. Bc normally, i would be laying in my bed weeping for three days straight, bc that just how i am. I cry when the wind blows. Anywho. . . Yeah, so it didnt really phase me, what he said. It was actually really funny. I know that im not over him yet, at least i dont think so. But right now, in light of this new guy "ray", "paul" is just kinda out of sight out of mind. And this brings up another problem. . . The thing is, i DONT know if i am over "paul" yet. I mean, it is a possibility that my feelings for him are just shadowed bc i found a new crush, but i dunno. You guys gotta understand that i have NEVER had a bf before. That is really hard for me to openly admit. Its kinda embarrassing. I think that part of me uses the fact that i was in love with someone for the majority of my life, as an excuse for not having anyone. And that i dont talk to guys because i am in love with someone. When the fact is, guys arent exactly lining up around the corner for me. Granted this is the same part of me that tells myself that i am too fat, or too ugly, or am not smart enough, and that no one really loves me. Insecurity gets the better of me, and i drown in it. Anyway..to get back on the original problem... i really miss "ray". I dont know what to do. I just want to talk to him if i cant see him. Just to hear his stupid little country accent (its sooo cute!!) So, the question is. . . should i ask my friend for his number, and just go for it, and hope he likes me too, or should i just wait and see if anything will happen, even though it is very unlikely bc for all i know he could live in amishville, U.S.A. Keep in mind that i am a fucking chicken and have NO courage whatsoever. I think i know what the answer to this question will be, but please comment anyway. I still need advice, and maybe some encouragement.