x; I've always believed in ghosts, though I don't believe they are good or bad persay-- just wandering souls or the conservation of energy. x; I think I've always been more shocked to find out people DON'T believe in life on other planets. It just seems so silly to think that Earth could be the only planet in the entire ever-expanding universe with life on it. The whole concept always seemed so ridiculous to me... That and I'm completely fascinated by the idea of "aliens" x; I don't know about miracles, mostly because I don't believe in a specific God. I'm not 100% sure where miracles tie in with faith or what qualifies as a miracle... Though I suppose you'd be pretty damn close. x; My idea of reincarnation ties right in with my idea about ghosts... Like I always thought if you were a ghost, you either didn't want to be reincarnated yet or you had unfinished business. Kind of like Hindus, I believe you keep being reincarnated in different lives until you learn all there is to know and then you reach a heaven-like "nirvana". I guess it maintains my whole "conservation of energy" phylosophy. When you've given all the energy you've got inside you, you've got to go somewhere to have a final rest. Maybe that's why most humans are afraid of death... They haven't reached the life and the time when they'll have to come to terms with it. x; You probably knew this, but I absolutly worship and love Rene Magritte. He's like a less cliqued and over-rated Salvador Dali. He's a French painter who paints surreal paintings. My emmulation of the lovers kissing with cloth over their heads was originally one of his pieces. x; *giggles* I meant more along the lines of where is it LEGAL for us to get married? Aw well... On that note, I'd kind of like to get married in Canada, even if the legality meant nothing in the states, just as a symbol of protest towards the American law and that gay couples should be allowed to be married in a place where it's accepted... However, I also like the idea of Long Island, just because it's always been the one place I truly called home. There's beautiful beaches there and there's also snow. That's why I love it. =) x; I love love LOVE watermellon sherbet... I also love brownie sundaes, peppermint sundaes, and chocolate chip cookie dough icecream. =) x; Soft yellow cake with milk chocolate frosting and layers between it. (I'm so high maitenance!) x; We'll watch Mulan first :] "Fa, Mulan!" And sing along to the songs, and repeat every line. (I like this idea) x; I also always liked sitting in your lap or the idea of it best as well... For all the same reasons (except the crushing one!) I never thought you'd crush me! I always liked the idea of feeling light and beautiful and fragile but safe and cared for in your arms. x; I was twelve and in sixth grade... Funny that if we were the same age, I'd have done so many things AFTER you! I was waiting and waiting for my period and to grow boobs like all my other friends. Rachel used to make fun of my flat chest. =( Yeah, so I got the period and whatnot but no boobs... I have no idea when the hell those came into play. I also didn't start shaving until the summer after seventh grade. We had a sleepover party and went skinny dipping in the hot tub. I was the only one that didn't shave and since I had a crush on one of the other girls there (Jessy) I felt completely embarassed!! At the time, they all (Jessy, Brenda, and Rachel) shaved their arms as well. So yeah, before eighth grade... And after that I just got used to it... The arms were the summer after ninth grade when my ex (Muggeo) told me I looked like a gorilla. *hides* Yeah, not good for your self esteem... Especially when he'd go on about my arms, my eyebrows, and then say all his friends thought I looked weird. Heh. x; My favorite relative was my great grandpa: Pop. I love(d) him with everything in me. He believed in me and loved his entire family so much. He had so much faith in us. He knew things others take for granted. He thought my grandpa was an asshole who was using my grandma. (he is) He was brilliant, and determined, and SO smart, and had the most beautiful twinkling blue eyes. He was the CUTEST old man-- Went out to McDonalds every morning and told us stories about Rufus (the ghost in his attack) and his travels to the moon. He could do a hand stand until he was 80 and let me make his hearing aid whistle because the sound made me giggle. He used to say he had more holes in his head then I did after I got pierced... He was just adorable and caring and the sweetest man ever. I always told him "You can't die before my wedding!" and he promised PROMISED not to... I was kind of crushed after he got really sick... I kept wanting Al to just dress up with me and take pictures in my mom's wedding dress so he'd have something to smile about, but by that point, Al was breaking up with me and Pop wasn't always conscious or understanding... I just wish I'd gotten one more chance to say goodbye and make him proud and tell him how much I love him and that he was my role model. x; Let's see... I honestly don't know... I wouldn't be Kello or Andrea... I wouldn't be a family member... I don't think I could be anyone just to meet you. I'd rather meet you for myself... So the person I'd choose to be probably couldn't know you. I'd really like to be Madonna back in the 80's. x; I do drink coffee on occasion, though it's always dilluted with a lot of half and half and sugar packets. I'm just partial to caffeinated tea to get my caffein fixes. x; I... Love... Waterbeds!! (Enough said) :-P x; I'll let you take advantage of me in the best and worst of ways, baby. Nnn... *thinks of you slipping a finger into one of the legs of my panties and just sliding it in while I'm sitting in your lap* ... OK, I NEED to stop thinking... NOW. x; There's this thai restaraunt called Sabadee. It's lovely and the food is delicious. There's this soup with crunchy noodles and this broth with ginger and thai grass broth in it. You can get sea food, beef, pork, or chicken in it... Or there's these chicken on a stick things with sweet and sour peanutbutter dipping sauce and they play j-pop on this big screen TV. =) If you like ethnic stuff, I'd totally take you there in a heartbeat! And baby, if you think I'm remotely talented at playing the piano... *gigglefit* Just think where else those fingers could have hidden talents... =) Mmmm... I'll have more questions tomorrow. I PROMISE. Did I mention I LOVE YOU?

-What's your favorite flavor of lollipop? This is going to sound so strange, but they sell these ones at my school for fundraisers that are peanutbutter and jelly flavored... I love them! Though as for NORMAL lollipops, I like watermellon or sour apple or the pina colada dum dum ones. ^.^ -Have you ever eaten ice cream in the rain? As a matter of fact... At Oswego, I had a junior Mexican sundae in the rain. *giggles* -Do you want to? Sure. I see nothing wrong with it... It's not like icecream gets soggy or anything! xP -What would you do with 100 thousand dollars? Well, *blushes* I'd visit you more then just once a year, for one thing. The rest of it would go towards getting into a college out of state without my parents threatening not to pay for my education... -Do you like poodles or chiuahuahs or doxies better? (pick doxies!) I... Kaaat! *giggles* I love dogs in general... But poodles kinda scare me. Chihuwawas seem like they could get little tempers as well so... Doxy's it is. (However, I'm partial to yorkshire terriers, m'self) -Did you ever play Power Rangers as a kid? Well, y'see... I never watched Power Rangers, but my brother's friend did, so we did play Power Rangers quite often. I was usually the yellow ranger too. (I thought Asians were prettier then blondes- even as a kid!) -If so, which one were you? Ooops! Answered that above! We're twins again!!! -Do you like lizards? So so... Some creep me out. -Snakes? HECKYES! Brenda has four ball pythons... I love them... They're actually really friendly. ^^; -Would you go to the zoo with me? Of course I would! In a HEARTBEAT! Will you please please PLEASE take me to the zoo when I come? Oh PLEASE?? -How many times have you been to the zoo period? Hunny, when I lived in Syracuse as a kid, I lived less then 10 minutes away from one of the biggest zoos on the east coast. (The Burnett Park Zoo) I definatly went once a week as a kid... And then when we moved, we'd go back every couple months since Kaitlyn absolutly adores Monkeys. (I like the otters... and the ring-tailed lemurs. There was this book I loved as a kid about a fat lemur called Jamima. It was my favorite FAVORITE children's book) -Have you ever been to Sea World? I think when I was like five I went to Sea World in Sandiego... I can vaguelly remember the dolphin show-- mind you, I said VAGUE. xP I could be wrong... -What's the one place in the world you NEVER EVER want to visit? Never ever? *tilts head* Most likely somehow on the bible belt in the US. Kid, conservatives piss me off. o.O;; I doubt I'd be a big fan of Iraq or Afganistan either... And once I leave this town, I never want to come back here either. -If you could only visit ONE place, what would it be? Katherine Nicole Heinrich's bedroom, Bakersfield, CA, USA -Do you like movie theatre popcorn? I'm not a huge fan of popcorn, but I occasionally get cravings for extremely overly buttered movie theater popcorn, because of course, it's the only kind worth eating!! -Will you hold my hand at the movies? Do you have to ask, baby? =) Of COURSE I will. I'll steal kisses and wrap my arm around your waist when we leave the theater as well... And we'll make out against the brick wall on the way home... And I'll buy you your ticket and popcorn and make sure you don't stumble on the way out of the dark theater. (I ALWAYS stumble and near have an accident xX;; ) -How many scoops of ice cream have you eaten in one sitting? I think it has to be around 4... I've pretty much eaten whole cartons in one sitting though. =) -What will be the first song you sing to me? Let me surprise you, hunny? -Can you make me a mixtape? Can it be a mix CD? *blushes hard* I don't know if we have a cassette/CD player anymore. *sniffles* I'm so so SO sorry. I know CDs aren't half as cool! I'll try to make a mix tape though!!

What's your favorite song to sing kareoke to? If you could stay one age for the rest of your life, what would it be? Did you watch My Little Pony as a kid? Strawberry Shortcake? Carebears? Did you have a kiddie bicylce with streamers on it? When did you learn to ride a bike without training wheels? Do you still ride your bike? Best childhood memory? Best overall memory? Did you ever rollerblade or go to a roller dome? Do you know how to do the Macarena? The chicken dance? The Cha Cha Slide? (I HATE the Cha Cha slide!!!) If you had the money and material to dress up as anything/anyone you want for Halloween, who would it be? Favorite play? If you were doing a play in highschool, what would you want it to be and what part would you cast yourself as? What is your favorite lipgloss? (I forgot ^^; ) How do you like your eggs cooked? How do you feel about the name Fritz for a Chihuawa? Favorite 80's song? Favorite 90's song? Favorite cheesy romantic song? What's the one commercial jingle you can NEVER get out of your head? (I KNOW there has to be one!!) --Yes, I still have the Frosted Flakes theme song lodged into my brain for the rest of ETERNITY! If you could dress me up (or down o.O) in anything you wanted, what would it be? Do you like goldfish (the crackers)? What's your favorite dream/mental image of us? (I know it most likely changes the more we talk) Do you ever wear those earings I bought you? What do you want your prom dress to look like? Would you be surprised if I showed up at your door with one of those flower wrist bands for you and a bouquet of tullips (and babies breath!)? You realize everyone I've been with doesn't even come CLOSE to how beautiful and amazing you are, right? On that note, who do you hate the most? (Just curious) Please tell me the truth, did you ever have a thing for Josh? Riley? Do you remember when we said we wanted to be gay men and lovers together? *grins* Are you happy we're girls now? Pleeeease tell me if there's a picture you want me to take? What does your favorite pair of underwear look like? *giggles* What's your favorite shirt? Sex with or without socks? Will you go to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show with me? What color neon eyeshadow do you want in your Christmas stocking? What CDs? What hairclips? Nail polish color(s)? (Yes, I'm getting a WHOLE stocking going!) Do you like nail polish with or without glitter in it? Do disco balls amaze you? (I'm serious fascinated by them) Do you have any idea how fucking gorgeous you are?? *blushes* Inflate my ego a little... Tell me again what you liked about my pictures? *smiles softly* And lastly... How old do you want to be when we get married? If we go to the same college the last two years, would you want to get married then? *smiles giddilly*

Oh look. I updated this. Gee, it's been quite some time coming. Time for a rebirth I guess. Hmmm... I went to be at 8:00 AM this morning after spending two hours text messaging and five to six hours on the phone is hushed whispers and soft voices. My God. I love this girl so fucking much. Everything she says and does makes me so incredibly happy. I love how we can just talk for hours and hours about absolutly nothing at all-- And honestly, I feel like last night was like a milestone and a determining point in our relationship for me. We weren't fighting and although it was full of adoration and I love yous, that wasn't the entire conversation. They were real conversations and back-and-forth responses. We don't have the same views on everything, but the fact of the matter is, we accept them. We talked for hours about life, about death, about sex and love, about getting an apartment together, about what life would be like, about what's out there... And there's so much more I want to ask her that I couldn't think in that sleepy dazed period to even bring up. Does she believe in ghosts? Aliens? Miracles? Soulmates being reborn again and again since they continue to go on? Who's her favorite artist? Where will we get married and will it have to be out of state or country? What's her favorite icecream? Favorite cake? What movie will we watch together first? Does she prefer my sitting in her lap or her sitting in mine? How old was she when she first got her period? Who's her favorite relative? If she could be one person for a day, who would she be? Does she drink coffee at all? Iced cappuccinos? Can we get a waterbed? Will she REALLY ravage me if I change in front of her? Where would we go out to dinner? Will she teach me to play DDR? Sing kareoke? I still haven't played the piano for her... I want to. There's things I think of each day as I begin to love her more and more. She's brilliant and absolutly amazing... And I'm about to pass out so I'm heading back to bed. Adieu. I love you.

No one updates these anymore... It makes me quite sad. I might put this on public again since the nazi spies probably forgot the URL anyway. Woo!! Not that I'll be around anyway. Two weeks at Oswego State. Oh joy. (Fucking state schools...) I should really be looking at PA state schools anyway, shouldn't I? PA and CA don't sound half as cool and romantic as NY and CA, the two coolest states of all time. What the hell is in fucking Pennsylvania anyway other then an affordable mansion and huge shopping malls? Seriously. NY is still better. Whatever. I'm done with this shit. I have to pack. God I'm not ready for this.

I'm in love with the most beautiful girl. I couldn't be happier and I mean that. She's intoxicating and captivating and all mine. I never ever want to lose that or the promise of being in her arms in five months. I love you, Katherine.

I know I know... I said I was gonna write here less... But I figured I'd write a little about graduation here. It was fucking burning up outside and I'm an idiot who wore jeans and a black t-shirt, but I survived and got to see Muggeo, Kyle, Pauliina, and Brenda graduate. I mean, of course, there was Kelly and Al too, but I didn't congratulate them. I stood right next to Al while I was talking to Muggeo and made no effort to go over and say congratulations or good luck. I told my mom yesterday I've closed the book on our friendship completely and wouldn't feel any sorrow if we never spoke again. We're ending it on a good note. All he wanted was finalization and he got it by forcing me into that kiss at his last Rocky. Argh. But back to the graduation, I didn't find it sentimental or moving... Just hot. I was just happy to see Brenda and hug her and be there for her. Reed, Megan, and her grandparents went as well. Her dad took Aaron and went out of town for the weekend. He couldn't have come anyway with his restraining order. I have the weirdest friends with all their dramas. Honestly. We're supposed to go out with Brenda for lunch or dinner sometime this week with Debbie, Rachel, and Heidi, then tomorrow Mercedes and I are going to do something, most likely either go to the mall or the movies. Maybe Mom will give me money so I can buy the jeans I'll need for Oswego. Might as well get that over with. Monday I'm making sure to be home for when my baby calls. =) I'm very excited about this. *grins* Oooh and just because this makes me excited: Mom bought me BRIGHT ORANGE nail polish the other day for no reason. I came home and there it was! And I got this sweater at TJ Max for school that has black and white stripes and looks like a jailbird shirt only form fitting and hotter. I can do myspace mug shots in it and when I find my little white bow, it'll be uber scene! Wooo!

Aww, look how pretty my journal looks. =) You know you wish yours was this pretty. Blame my boredom and antsyness tonight. Ummm, I have no idea what to write here anymore. This journal kind of lost it's purpose after it stopped being a public thing. Too bad people had to go and ruin that since it was far easier to just write an entry to tell things rather then explaining it to an array of people. Aw well. You win some you lose some, right? I've decided I'm partial to my LJ. I just felt like making something pretty with the little user icon I found so this suited it's purpose. So yeah, I'm gonna go write about my night on my LJ now. Take that assholes. Grr.

Myspace can lick my butthole. Ummm... It isn't working. It's pissing me off. I want to leave happy surprise picture comments and I can't. Doubleyouteeeff?? Yeah. English regents. I've gotta jet in five minutes. Three fucking essays and I can't remember a good portion of The Catcher In The Rye, which was the only book I deemed worth using. Oh Holden, I miss you. I had this really weird dream about Batdorf and Kat last night. I think there must have been symbolism behind some of the things that happened in it, but the jist of it was I guess he'd come over early in the morning to hang out with Matt for God know's what reason, but we ended up hanging out instead. I guess we finally got to talk and even though he was willing to be more then a friend to me, I told him it was time to let go... Then I found myself walking on the beach, though I guess it was on my way to school, and indeed, I did let go before meeting my girlfriend by her locker. I'm not sure what the full essense of it was because I think someone shot this cat this looked like my sister at some point and we weren't sure if it was me or Dan but... That's the part that must symbolize something weird, right? Well, I'm out. I've got to go in early to show my painting to Mrs. Smith. See ya, suckers! ;D

Sometimes I wish I knew where he hides the shotgun...

Why is it... She apologizes a hundred times over for things she didn't do wrong and I just feel guiltier and guiltier? I can never feel completely adequate for too long because I go and do something stupid to fuck it up. I should have anticapated her having to go sooner, should have wished her a proper goodbye, should have payed more attention to the fact that tomorrow is her last day as a freshman, last day at her highschool. I feel like such a bad girlfriend for even getting into something else tonight. Damn. Wow. She deserves better then my overbearing lust and mood swings. She says she owes me but... I think it's the other way around. I went from feeling elated to feeling emotionally drained... And I forgot to text her in the car today. Damnit. I'm slipping up, aren't I? I'll be better tomorrow, I promise. < / 3

It didn't save... A half an hour of writing the entire reason I'm so afraid and it didn't save. I hate life right now... But here's one clue to anything that's left to know about me. My great grandfather was the first and only person to call me Dani for a long time. It was his nick name for me and it was the only thing he'd ever call me. It wasn't until after his funeral that I started introducing myself to everyone as Dani both online and offline. This might not make much sense now but in the grand scheme of why I'm so upset and will be until graduation is over and done with, it does. So now seeing as I'm fully pissed that that entry for Kat didn't save, I'm going to bed or something along those lines. Goodnight world.

Wow, I feel fugly and dirty this morning. I want to take a shower, but Matt's in the shower and I'm not sure what time Kat is getting up. *sighs* I've also got to work on my painting at some point. BITCH. Mr. Gas Mask is waiting for me to paint black birds in the sky and burning trees in his eyes. Wow, that sounds like it could be a song. I really wish I could write songs and poetry. Then I'd be uber rad and wouldn't have to rely on my non existant beauty. Hah. I'm sick again. What a bummer. I'm coughing and using up an extensive ammount of napkins blowing my nose because I don't know where the tissues are. You know what? I'm SICK of being SICK! Gah! Yeah, I want to go to the show tonight since So I'm Square will be there. I guess I should bring two scarves so I can have one for me and one for Kat. If I go, Brittney said she'll teach me how to do rad eye makeup. Tee hee. Depends on if I'm hacking up my lungs by then I suppose. Hmmm... Well, I'm lonely so I think I'm going to go be lonely upstairs. P.S: Sarah sent me Fall Out Boy and it didn't work so now along with everything else I'm planning to buy, I have to buy the CD. Damnit. Why are new CDs so expensive??

Too much thinking is really going to do me in. I keep worrying that she's going to be upset with me and I can't fix that. *sighs* This isn't the same kind of worry as usual. This isn't even a selfish worry... This is a worry that I'm making things embarassing and hard for her... And that's the kind that really does leave a bad feeling in my stomach.

I'm getting really scared right now... And I don't like this one bit. =( Please let it all be over soon. I don't think I've ever had this much dislike for a person, but all I want right now is for him to go away and for her to say everything is alright. I've had way too many nightmares in the past couple hours and I've been biting my tongue so hard I'm surprised it isn't bleeding... But I haven't cut and I haven't cried. No one's home-- I mean, none of my friends. I kind of wish I had someone to talk me through this. I kind of wish he'd fall off the face of the earth... Right about now. I'm being good, I swear. I love you. < / 3

One cannot fathom the horror I've had to endure in the one night induction ceremony into the national honors society. I fear for the next week or so I shall be writing all my entries, requests, replies, eccetera like I have an enormous stick up my ass. After the introduction, two addresses, speeches from the principal, super intendent, principal of the NHS, secretary of the NHS, vice president of the NHS, and treasurer of the NHS, there were also two minute speeches on each of the 33 members getting inducted and a recieving line... But first... Let's be nice for a minute, I figured it was worth starting over with a clean slate. Perhaps the yuppies had changed since highschool. I find myself soon enough sitting at a table alone with my parents and my sister. (Matt didn't bother coming) Minutes later, Emma and her parents sit down. I kind of want to strangle her at times, but figure it's cool enough to be sitting with someone else. Her father and mine go off on a Monty Python schpeel with Kaitlyn bitches about wanting to taste the cake. We have to form a line by table to get to the buffet which is dissapointingly horrible. (Yuppie food, and at $16 a head you'd think it would be delicious-- I ate a bun of bread and butter. The butter was from a packet. I payed $16 for a bun of bread. What the fuck?!) Kaitlyn continues complaining until the cake comes. No surprise, it's that cheap dark chocolate interior with generic white frosting. (Noooo!) I know I shouldn't invest too much hope in a slice of cake, but I really was at that point, so I figure after the 6 or 7 glasses of water I've poured to keep from hacking out my lungs because I forgot my cough drops, I should probably go to the bathroom. Wouldn't you know it, I'm in there a few seconds before the damn ceremony starts. I run back looking like an idiot to speech after speech address after address... Starting to get antsy. The induction speeches for each new member begin. The 6 or 7 cups of water have NOW hit my bladder, only now it would really look rude to leave. So I sit, and the speeches are atleast twice the length they were supposed to be for each person... Person after person. Wouldn't you know, I'm smack dab in the middle and nervous as hell because apparently I've given my sponsor (who's giving my speech) information he can't possably use in mine. Apparently it's supposed to focus on achievements in the past, not your future plans. I'm screwed. I sit with my legs crossed biting my nails listening to the students in school who are some of the most inconsiderate assholes I know get commended and praised for each teeny tiny thing they've done throughout their entire life. I want to make a noose out of my napkin. WHY WHY WHY? I want to scream that they're not fair, kind, or generous individuals. They discriminate and stick up their noses, they're not fair... They're not honest and they certainly don't have good character to everyone. Caroline who made fun of me all through middle school gets up there, her sponsor going on for a good four minutes on how wonderful she is and about every sports recognition possible. (Apparently when you're in NHS you're supposed to do three things: sports, key club, and international club... Oh, and attend church regularly. I do none of the above) I want to get up and scream that she buys all her clothes overpriced from New York City and they look like shit on her. If she's going to buy clothes, atleast make them cute. I want to scream out that she's not kind and talks dirt about tons of people, that she's as bad as any other kid and is one of the many students in our school who slept around with a premiscuous older boyfriend and got herpes. Yes, I look at her and it's all I can see. But of course, they clap and I'm jolted back to the bathroom problem at hand. Finally, they call me up with Ryan (my sponsor who's also in drama club) and Kelly (will most likely be valedictorian of our graduating class- Ryan's other canidate) Kelly's speech is lovely. Ryan goes on about all her academic achievements and how amazing and fit for this position she is. He has to make mine up because I'm an idiot and didn't get it to him sooner then today, but for that matter, with the wrong information, I expect hell. Ryan comes through- A relief since he knows what plays I've been in. He's eloquent enough to make my future aspirations fit into the speech without me looking like I've done nothing to deserve this. (Who knows- Maybe I'm not deserving) I get my certifacate, candle, and scroll, then stand for the next half hour (unable to cross my legs) counting down speech after speech of the same bullshit. Finally, when you think it's over, it's recieving line time. This means we all stand stiff and smiling as each parent and unknown relative goes by and shakes your hand. Kaitlyn and my dad snuck out before I even recieved my scroll. My mom goes off to talk to Sue. I'm trying my best to smile as hand after hand of people who don't give two shits go by with their forced tight smiles and touch of your hand like you might have malaria going "nnnn...congratulations...yeah" Some remember names, which is nice. One woman shakes my hand so hard I fear it'll fall off and tells me I should stick with theater and that she wanted to make it her profession and didn't and regretted it later in life. It was the nicest thing anyone said to me all evening and I have no idea who the woman was. The rest were tight-assed yuppie parents and the graduating seniors who could care less. (Catherine Federo-bitch's attitude made me want to slap her clear across the face... Slut.) Finally, it ends and I go to the bathroom longer then I think I ever have in my life. I hack my brains out and come back to Sue commending my art work and telling me it's a great portrayal of Michael Jackson. I want to cry or gouge her eyes out. Allison goes "No mom, it's supposed to be Danielle" I want to cry all the more "It's not supposed to be either" "Oh...Well... I see you're going to Oswego this summer. Are you planning to go there?" "Well-" "-It's a wonderful school. Your mother and I went there. You'll like it after you see it." "Actually I want to go to Chicago..." "Oh, a city girl... Well... Hopefully you'll like Oswego and want to go there after you see it" On that alone, I have no intention of going there. I want to get as far away from these people as possable. Ryan hugs me and congratulates me. I apologize for not giving him correct information. He doesn't seem to mind. Relief. Thank God for Ryan. Then it's the car ride home with just Mom. I'm pissed at her for suggesting again for the second time this week (and it's only Monday) that I go and visit the neighbors son incase he's cute and is looking for a girlfriend. I tell her I have a girlfriend myself and don't believe in cheating on people. She says "Well, you're bisexual so you can have a boyfriend or a girlfriend" I say something to the effect that that's not fair to the emotions of the person I'm dating and that I'd never do that to her when I expect the same in return. It would be heartless and the only bisexual people who have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend are just doing it for attention and are whores anyway. My mom is whining saying they're not whores. It went on and so now on the ride home, I'm replaying it and just getting more and more pissed. I have morals and values and I'm damn happy with who I'm with right now so why the hell would I get a boyfriend on a whim? I don't even really like boys! --Not that I'd get a girlfriend either, mind you. A person says taken meaning they're in a serious relationship. I hate that she can't just accept me happy. No, she still thinks this is me doing it for attention. I get home, change out of my dress that I treasured so much and hoped someone would compliment me on or tie into the fact that I want to do makeup and costume design. (Yeah right) and write Mom a long note thanking her for staying for me ceremony, telling her I love her very much and don't love Kat more then her, that one is generally inlove with their significant other and loves their family. I explain how offended the bisexuality comments were and that if she wants to honor my happiness and my moral values that she should stop trying to get me to cheat on someone I love and realize that long distance or not, I made a committment and girl or boy, I stick to my committments because I believe in loving a person for who they are. She read it, came in and hugged me for awhile, and wrote me a note in return. I hope this one sticks with her for awhile. It was all building up again. I don't know what it's going to take for her to see that this is reality, whether she likes it or not. So sorry for the bitch fest, kids. That was my entire evening though. I'm starving now but probably shouldn't eat since it's 10:30 and 1. food keeps me up when I eat this late 2. you can't burn off as many calories when you're sleeping. Besides, I've drinken all sugary fluids today or milk, it's not good to eat even more. Ugh. I'm sorry again for continueing to bitch, though I hope my entry has been slightly humorous at some points, as it was designed to be. (Mind you, all of it is true, I'm just writing with a very sarcastic edge right now) --And Matthew just ran out of the bathroom butt naked! (That's true as well... Ew.) Honestly though, here comes my tone of seriousness, I kept wanting someone there all evening to hold my hand under the table and hug me and kiss my cheek when it was all over and tell me they understood I was upset but was proud and happy for me nevertheless and that I deserved NHS whether I play sports and particapate in key club or not. I wanted them to make silly faces at me when I looked nervous so I'd crack one smile and tell me my dress was beautiful. I wanted a picture with my certifacate in one hand and her's in the other... I wanted my Kat to be there more then anyone else... In that empty seat at our table. Sometimes I just want someone to look at me and feel proud of what I am and what I'll become and that's exactly what she does and why I love her so damn much. It should have been a great night for me, but it wasn't and that's not her fault. It's every person who couldn't crack a genuine smile or say the truth about themselves. It's to every lier and every kid there who pissed and moaned about going to church every Sunday... Hypocrites truly make me miserable... Myself included. So yes, at the end of the night, I'll replay it all in my mind... Only this time, it'll be the best night of my life. This time Kat will be sitting next to me holding for hand tight and tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear before I go up. She'll be at the end of the recieving line with an endless hug just for me and an "I love you, Dani" She'll make sure I know I didn't look like a complete idiot and that if I did, I'm her idiot. In my dreams, my Mom will drive us back to my house and I'll we'll curl up on eachother's shoulders in the back seat on the way. I just need to imagine this for a little while longer so that tonight feels better for me. Deep down I know if she could have, she would have done all these pretty things and more. That's why imagining it is enough. Tomorrow I'll pick some flowers and make her a bouquet for her play and take pictures of it. She deserves the same support in return. I wish I could have been at AG highschool as well. At the end of the ceremony, I blew out my candle, wishing it was a birthday candle so I could make a wish... I made one anyway. With someone so beautiful in my life, I'll never stop wishing and hoping on everything there is. And someday, sooner or later, I'll wish on the right thing and it'll finally come true.

So I miss my journal. =( It's just not the same with the world not knowing my business and not having Kat's entries to read and not just gushing and getting comments and feedback and changing our layouts every five seconds. This is so weird. It's like I'm typing to no one because no one is replying... Hmmm... Tonight was lovely though. It ended far too soon and in a bad place, in my oppinion. It's funny because each night we get more and more graphic and it ends before we can even see where it goes-- I shouldn't say graphic... Intimate or just... More comfortable. I blame Kyle. I'm RPing with my new friend Jade right now. I haven't RPed over AIM in so long. It's a total mind blow. Even RPing with someone else feels like cheating even though I know that's far from the truth. But yeah, just so I'm not hiding anything. I love Kat though and she's not being replaced... EVER. She should know this. *cough* Urmmm, yeah. I feel really sick still which sucks ass. I keep hacking up my lungs or something and yeah... Pain. I love Kat. I thought I should say that again. She's amazing and tonight was amazing and... I'm losing all coherency at this point so I'll retype this so it makes sense tomorrow. I've completely lost my English language skills... But all that matters is that I'm completely and utterly head over heals in love with Katherine Nicole Heinrichs. The end. ♥

Hey sweetheart. Just wanted to let you know how much I love you. Have fun tonight and take care.

I'm so tired. I feel like someone's punched both my eyes until they're black because they're so heavy. Every time I move my lips, they crack. What of it though? I may be exhausted, but I'm happy... So happy, because I have her, and with that, I know everything in the world can be right. It's irrational and not always the most logical but, I'm going to do everything in my power to make it a reality. That's all I can do. I'm tired of living for people who don't understand the half of it. I'm tired to looking at pictures of this beautiful wonderful place that's green with flowers and beaches and a blue sky and wondering why the hell I can't be there as well, why I'm stuck here on cracked country roads and gray skies above my. New York isn't all it's said it should be. If you're not in Times Square, the excitement dies down. I remember being there and looking up at that smoking cup of Nissan Noodles on the billboard and feeling infinite. Then I realize that everyone sees that same billboard, everyone walks along the same crowded streets, and owns the same knock off Louis Vuitton purse. The thing is, there's no contrast in New York. There's fading colors and a whir of people who all look the same. The grass is always greener on the other side. In California, there's actually grass to speak of. And on country roads where I stand now, the grass is copper and the sky is a white-gray. It runs constantly, and the only flowers that little the fields are dandelions- weeds. I want my paradise with the one person that makes every color shine. I deserve a chance to move past all this. I love New York. I love the city, despite how cliqued it is. I know it's a big scam, a joke, that no one truly lives the way they portray it in movies. However, I don't want to stay here all my life... Atleast not alone. This idea keeps pounding in my head day and not... Maybe it would stop raining in New York and the grass would be green again if she was here with me. When am I going to feel like I have a home?

So... General update on what's new with me since I haven't done that in awhile. (Yeah, I do have somewhat of a life) Muggeo and Rachel have been coming over almost everyday to run lines. It's good to get to just hang around and talk to my friends every day though. I'm really gotten to bond with Muggy again which is awesome. I'm going to miss him a ton next year. We got yearbooks yesterday. Today people started signing them. Brandon gave me a long message. It was actually really sweet. =) I gave him a hug. We were supposed to hang out tomorrow, but it's gonna wait until Friday or another time because of the play and other agendas. Blah. Thursday-Friday I've got things to do for our theater arts play, Getting Away With Murder. You should all come at see it at 7:00 Saturday night. (Shameless advertising, yo) I really wish my baby could see my in it. That would brighten my life. =( Kyle wants just me and him to hang out and have another movie marathon. I miss him like crazy so we'll have to chill sometime soon. I really love some of my friends whereas others frusterate me more then anything. I'm glad I've gotten closer to people like Muggeo, Kyle, and Mercedes though. ♥ Gotta have a "Moulin Rouge" party with Mercedes as well. "Special punch" Hah. So yeah, as my dad walks out the door this morning, he shoves a Weezer CD in my face and is like "Have you heard of them?" I totally flipped out! =) (In a good way) So yeah, after I type this I'm gonna go listen to Weezer (So damn happy about this!) My stuff for art classes is all drawn up so tomorrow I start painting again in both oil painting and watercolors, which is a big yay too. Also, my oil painting (the Love Is Blind one) didn't get trashed so I'm happy about that. I think I'm gonna have to ask Mrs. Smith if she can teach me to do slides soon though since if I really am going to look into that Cal Arts school, I should be getting my porfolio started now. 8th I had one of those yearly nurse screenings. Apparently I've lost 12 lbs from last year- which is a lot for me... So yeah, 106 with clothes on. Our scale's been busted for months and I was afraid to gain myself because I figured I gained weight. We're at a higher elevation though so last time I weighed myself at home I was 115 (which is lighter then I usually am) I must be like 100 on our scale which is crazy. I haven't been 100 pounds since 6th grade. She's like "You lost 12 pounds blah blah blah" Yeahhh... Medication? Enough said. I kinda feel proud of myself though. Kat called during passing as usual. It is just good enough for me to hear her voice for those 10 minutes. Really, it makes my school days awaiting her call... Even if she did sound like she was in kinda a tired and bad mood. It didn't make me quite as happy. I hope she's feeling less tired by the time she gets home. I always like any time we do get to spend talking to be as cheerful for her as possable and not some obligation. Sometimes I do feel like a big obligation... So yeah. I'm being a slightly worried wife, but I just want her healthy and content. She really did make my night last night though, trying to make me crack a smile... And as usual, she can't fail at that. =) Alright, so it's 4:00 now. I'm thinking I'll sleep for a couple hours, then wake up and work a little on the research paper. I did some in school today. It's moving along, I've just gotta keep up the momentum. I love you, baby!!!! =) (You know who you are)