Wednesday, 1:31 p.m.   Not Allowed To Cry You know what I hate about crying? It messes up your voice. So if you start crying on the phone, they can tell. What with voice cracking and choked words, and all that, it's hard NOT to tell. Daddy called me today from work. He told me I should start compiling a list of things to take. I told him brightly that I'd already done that. He asked me if all of it would fit in a carryon and that that big suitcase, and I said yes, blah blah blah. He said "Enjoy your last couple of weeks before summer vacation ends and it's back to school!" and I said, "Yeah, enjoy my last couple weeks of friends and then I leave them all behind." And he said, "You'll make new ones, and they'll still be here when you get back." I said, "Some of them will, anyway." "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, the juniors and the seniors I'll never see again," I replied, and I'm choking up here as we carry on this conversation, and he's like "Do you know want to go?" "A little late to back out now," I said. "No, it's not. The reason I'm doing this is mostly for you girls." "Look, I'm allowed to be sad, okay?" "Well I would -rather- you be excited." "I can be both!" "O..kay," he said. So yeah. I fixed my two favorite pairs of pants today. As I took my shower I had some disturbing thoughts. Do I Really Care? And all of a sudden I hated myself. Of Course I Care! No...Think about it. Do I? I hate myself. Is that all this relationship is good for? Action and God, he's hott, but do I love him anymore? Love turned into lust? But then how does he make me so happy? Then why am I always happy to arrive and sad to go? Why is my mood ten times better if he's around? Everything seems so much darker when you're not around. ----------------- 4:18 p.m. Oh Em Gee~! I just cooked! ----------------- 4:19 p.m. Still craving dill pickles, though. ----------------- 6:17 p.m. Yay I'm going to Scott's tonight. ----------------- 10:32 p.m. Yay I went to Scott's tonight. !!! It was fun. We watched a good movie. Well, actually no one liked it but me. But Julia Stiles is my favorite Actress, she's so pretty, and I wish I was her. or at least that I looked like her. But Scott's mommy told us we couldn't lie down together on the couch. so we sat up. I hope I didn't get him in any trouble! I hope his mom doesn't think less of me. I like her and I want her to like me. Katherine and I are going to get some plywood and red and black paint, and we are going to make murals! w00t! She should sleep over at my house and we should go and get white pants and white shirts and go painting! It would be fun. And then we can buy different colors of yarn and nails and make yarn art on our painted mural things and cut magazine pictures out and paste them all over and it will be called "Mixed Media" and the media will be Mixed Media and it will be such the best. And it will be special for reasons only known to Katherine and Me. ----------------- 11:13 p.m. As I've become sick of people using derrogatory words like "gay" and "retarded" to describe something hideously stupid, I've gone to RhymeZone.com and looked up synonyms for "stupid." I rather liked them. Words and phrases that can mean the same thing as stupid: (53 results) anserine, blockheaded, boneheaded, brainless, cloddish, dazed, dense, dim, dolt, doltish, dopey, dopy, dull, dullard, dumb, fatheaded, feebleminded, fool, foolish, gaumless, gooselike, goosey, goosy, gormless, half-witted, headless, imbecile, imbecilic, loggerheaded, lumpen, lumpish, moronic, nitwitted, obtuse, confused, poor fish, pudden-head, pudding head, senseless, slow, slow-witted, soft-witted, stunned, stupefied, stupid person, thick, thickheaded, thick-skulled, unintelligent, unthinking, witless, wooden-headed, yokel-like Yes. So you all can start using these words and start sounding smarter and more educated in the process! Yay for you. *gets off soapbox*