when i have no where else to go this is where i find myself. i dont know how else to express my fears and doubts without upsetting anyone, or mainly, you. i know you love me. but i just don't feel it, and maybe its not meant to be felt all the time, but i just don't see it either, and i suppose maybe it shouldn't be seen all the time either. but something just doesn't feel right and i don't know how to express that. i don't want to be attacked for how i feel i don't want to be told im over reacting i guess i just want to be comforted, but i don't even know if that would help. after sitting on the couch together for 4 hours and he didn't attempt to touch me once i can't help but feel like something is wrong with me. i suppose he said this would happen, but it seems to have come at an inconvienent time. it just happens to come when he lives with 2 girls, and has decided he doesn't want to hang out as much, and has decided to rekindle an old friendship with another girl. i can't help but feel like im being pushed out. like i just don't mean as much. then i was crushed when he blurted out "i love you"...and i thought to myself "wow, he actually said it first this time. it was random and it wasn't even in reply to me saying 'i love you'"...and then i come to realize its part of the commercial thats on tv. it wasn't even meant for me. he didn't mean to say it to me. he just let me believe it was to soon realize and be crushed. i almost burst into tears at that moment and had to leave. im trying to stay calm. im trying not to get over worked, but it just doesn't feel right and i don't know if thats because im just not used to all this changing or what.... i just wish he would help ease me through this though. im no good with change, i tend to freak out a little when my day doesn't go according to how i planned it every day. so when my relationship of one year to the man i want to marry isn't going the way it used to....its making me freak out a lot. maybe i don't have the right to freak out, i really don't know. i just don't see the passion anymore. i don't feel wanted or needed. at least not unless he's drunk. i wish so bad that moment had happened when he was sober, but no, he was drunk. there was so much emotion and i actually felt wanted and loved and needed. i felt desired. but then the next morning was like every other day, and he didn't even want to remember the things he said to me. and i never want to forget. it meant so much to me, and it just sickens him. i just don't understand. im trying to, but i don't. i don't know how to make this better. i'll try not to complain. i'll try to just be happy. i'll give you space. i'll give you anything you want to fix this. i just want to fix this and be happy again, but i don't know how.