January 13, 2009 this is too hard i don't know if i can be this to go from feeling special to just being treated "like everyone else" i've been demoted or apparently i've been living in a fantasy land and making something out of nothing i feel like a lie i feel so naive so stupid do all guys say forever when they don't mean it or was i just not worth it i just wanted someone or something to be right in my life right now! when im falling deeper into this hole i just wanted someone to be at the top telling me it's going to be okay and that they arent leaving until i'm safe i want to find that person who won't ever give up on me even if i'm about to give up on myself but i guess that's not how life is. you screw up and you have to realize no one is going to be there for you except yourself. i thought we understood each other i thought we were close in a way that no one else knew or could understand and that's why i never wanted to throw it away and i was too afraid to make it change but i can't really tell what was real and what wasn't anymore they seem to have melded into each other i just want to collapse but no one wants to be with someone who is in the middle of the hardest point in their life no one wants to be apart of that they only want to be apart of your life when they think you have everything figured out when you're on the right track and making something of yourself i wish it was like a switch that i could just turn off like he can today i don't care if we don't talk today i don't care if you don't want me today i don't care if i feel dead to you today i just don't care about you i can't even pretend that well maybe when i'm 21 i'll feel more grown up and more put together and maybe people will think i am i suppose this is a new start to a new year...it just wasn't exactly how i wanted to start it...alone, without a job, without money, and losing a close friend... for now i'll tell myself everything happens for a reason and maybe i'll feel a little better tomorrow