Hey Ya'll. How are ya doing? I honestly don't know what to feel anymore. I feel like I have fallen into a pit and I can't escape. I feel totally lost, Like nothing will ever make sense again..... I think I am depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I just want the world to melt away into nothingness. I can't eat. I force myself to when I am with James so he doesn't worry, but I have no desires to eat, to live. I have come to the realization that my family has been ripped apart and there is no hope of putting them back together again. I am trying to deal with the pain but it hurts too damn much so I run, I turn myself into a coward, I can't face it, I can't deal. I just drown it out with drugs, alcohol, exercise, sleep. Anything that will make me forget. But I never really forget, I look around and see my sister's sweater or my brothers shoes and I just break down and cry. I called up a really good friend of mine the other day because i was really upset, she has a tendency to make me feel better when I talk to her, but as soon as I hang up the phone it is back to the loneliness and despair. I dunno what I am going to do. I have had reaccuring thoughts of suicide. I don't think that I am actually to the point of taking action to take my own life, but the thoughts and desires are there and strong. I feel halfway normal when I am with James, But even when I am with him, the pain and confusion and all the other emotions are there and strong, I must have gotten really good at hiding them because he doesn't seem to notice. I have found that I am crying myself to sleep more often. Maybe it is because all of the repressed pain and anxieties I have been trying to run from my entire life have finally started forcing their way to the surface to be dealt with, but I am not ready, it is too much, I am not equipped to handle it. I just can't. I can't function anymore. I just think that everything is going to hell and just waiting for me to join. I have had several arguments with GOD. I feel as though I have been abandoned. I hate going home even to sleep. I hate knowing that the sorry son of a bitch that is causing me most of this pain is just as happy as he can be. I want to hurt him, to cause him as much pain as he has caused me, but I can't there is nothing I can do, He has nothing to lose. He is lucky. I hate him. I would kill him if I could get away with it but I can't so i will not entertain the thought. I think that I have said enough for now so until next time..... Kayla