REMEMBER, THIS IS MY DIARY, I DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING I WRITE, OR ANSWER TO ANYONE. I HAVE BEEN ANOREXIC AND BULIMIC FOR GOING ON THREE YEARS. I HAVE BEEN A SELF MUTILATOR FOR ALMOST 5. I AM CURRENTLY IN "RECOVERY" SO PLEASE I HAVE A VERY FRAGILE IMAGE OF MYSELF SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WHEN LEAVING COMMENTS. IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN WHERE I AM, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE PAIN AND THE SUFFERING AND YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO TRY TO CHANGE. DO NOT ASK ME HOW TO BECOME ANA OR MIA. IT ISN'T FUNNY AND IT ISN'T GLAMOROUS. IT ISN'T JUST A QUICK WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT EITHER. IT IS A DISEASE AND IT WILL SLOWLY DESTROY YOUR LIFE. I DON'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE! I HAVE PUT A DISCLAIMER ON HERE, DO NOT REPEAT ANYTHING YOU READ HERE. DO NOT SEND ME HATE MAIL. IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU READ HERE, THEN LEAVE. THIS ISN'T A PRO ED DIARY. BUT I DO HAVE AN ED. SO DON'T BASH ME, I AM TRYING. IT IS YOUR CHOICE WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE, DO NOT BLAME ME OR MY DIARY FOR ANYTHING YOU CHOOSE TO DO. Hey Ya'll Sorry this isn't going to be a very happy entry. I was very very close to cutting today! My mom and step dad have resorted to screaming at each other all the time. It is stressful. I dunno what I did to make her angry, but she came into my room and started yelling at me, screaming hateful things. I just sat there glaring at her. i mean Jesus tought to turn the other cheek and not to resist an evil person and I didn't fight back when she started hitting me. I just sat there and cried that just made her even angrier so she hit me harder and harder. I just didn't know what to do. She finally stopped and told me not to come out of my bedroom or she would "Fuck me up" I just felt so small and humiliated. I hated myself for not trying to fight back. I felt weak and terribly hurt. I went looking for my razor blade. I tore up my bedroom in a frantic search for it. Then I remembered that I gave it to BO. I was angry and relieved at the same time. I just wanted to cut and I knew it was wrong. I knew that I didn't need to. I just crawled up into a ball in the corner and cried for like an hour straight. I just sat there and bawled like a baby. Why am I so weak. Why couldn't I defend myself? Why? Why why why why why! I feel like I am losing my mind! I feel like the only way to make the insanity stop is to cut. I just can't do it. I have to keep resisting, but it is soooooo hard! And I know that GOD is here with me. I know that his strength is made perfect when i am weak, but I just feel so broken. Like I will never be able to pick up the pieces! I know that this isn't really a positive diary, but It is a diary of struggle and triumph and failure. It is my journey. I have no idea where it is going to go from here. I am scared. To add insult to injury, ya'll know I have half brothers' and sister. Well their grandmother came to spend the night and visit them, and she hasn't spoken to me yet. It hurts really badly, because I am still(after 7 years) not able to talk about Mike( Kids' dad) without crying and I feel like it is just a slap in my face. Hey ya'll I am gonna get going. Read some diaries. Do a devotional. Pray. I'll talk to you later. Kayla