Hello My lovelies and all you other random people who read my diary. How are you all? Me? Well I had a really bad anxiety attack on Tuesday. I met James outside of his class and walked with him back to the lounge area to smoke a Cigg. Well on the way there he started talking to me about ANA and MIA. Well he knows about them I have made no attempt to hide it from him for the pure and simple fact that I refuse to hide anything from him or to lie to him. Well he said that he refused to just sit back and allow me to kill myself this way. I argued with him for a good while trying to make him see that I am not actually killing myself, well he just kept pressing and attacking my position and finally I got tired of fighting and just shut the fuck up. I went back to his house with him and chilled out for a while. Well his mom started to make Spaghetti and well me being and Italian, I love to cook pasta so I offered to make it. Well James Insisted on having me eat so I ate a small amount. Almost immediately after eating it I felt a really strong urge to vomit(classical conditioning has got me to the point that I can't eat anything without vomitting afterwards) I got up to go use the bathroom and James wouldn't let me go downstairs. So I started to pace back and forth across the room and like a ton of bricks it hit me. I just started to panic. All I could think about was how many cal. there are in pasta and how long I had before I would be before I would vomit up stomach acid instead of just undigested food. James came behind me and literally held me down so that I couldn't leave. I am suprised that he was able to keep me there for so damn long considering how hard I was fighting. It got really hard to breathe and I couldn't sit still or keep from moving. It got so bad that while he was holding me I was trying to make myself vomit right there. I felt possessed like i was wathcing a movie or something. i promised him 30 days w/o purging of any kind. So after 30 days if i'm not "Better" by his standards I can go back to my normal routine. Yea well what he doesn't get is that you don't just "get better" it isn't possible. He is just setting himself up for disappointment. Part of me is screaming telling the other part of me to just say fuck him he is just a guy you don't really need him anyways. But the other part of me is saying he wouldn't be saying this if he didn't care right? I just feel so damn confused. I just wish things made sense again.... I dunno, I have wallowed in my self-pity enough for one session so until next time..... Kayla