today i returned to school from exams "break". it made me feel even more miserable...but it's not just that that made me feel that way. i've talk to matt, my loyal and amazing friend. we went along so well but now i don't know. i just talked to him on msn which the only way to talk to him because he doesn't go to my school and our conversation was just dull and boring. i think i'm growing distant again. i wouldn't mind if people didn't mind, you know? they just don't understand that i just need that space away from them BUT i didn't want to go apart from matt. he meant so much to me...now i really don't know anymore... i told matt another one of my subliminal messages...well kinda. i told him that lately every time i think i want something it turns out that i wish it back...as in i always wish for something i don't want. he got the wrong message i think because he's like: "we have to figure this out...umm ask your parents for help" "i dont think my parents can offer much help..." "can I help?" "umm maybe but i think it's something i've got to figure our by myself." it ended right there...i didn't know what to say. it seems like im always the one to be out of words. ALL THE TIME. what can i say? i just don't have social skills maybe i should stay away from any social anything to save me from any more embarassement. i'm shy, i'm silent. i'm not a bitch, i don't give dirty looks. people don't get me. boys don't love me. girls don't wanna be friends with me. i guess that makes me some kind of a loner...no? so i guess i can't blame matt if i'm the weak link. besides this boy problem (matt), i made once again a fool of myself in front of simon...i think i was made to make a total fool of myself every time i see him but this time he talked to me...i tried to avoid him but i guess some things are just not meant to be done. again same conversation and once again i left. is normal to have 3 of the same conversation in a row with someone? i don't think so but what can i do, im the one without the social skills. another thing that hapened today...jamie asked gillian i she liked simon...she answered no way too fast and added that she found him nice. i think i'm jealous. she has social skills and can actually keep friends for more then 3 years...something i have found to be impossible for me especially boys. she has everything i don't have; money, looks, carelessness and innocence. what can i say? i have no chance... (i thought i went over this before in a previous entry...oh yeah i have to move on...get over him...forget him...piece of cake right? i don't think so. oh yeah...my classes. they suck. my teachers suck. but at least i have art... im miserabe because i feel like an outcast...everyday. is that normal? maybe i am an outcast, maybe i am getting on their nerves but the stupid hypocrites are too prep to tell me. i should go away, VERY far away...and never come back. i only know one place that offers this luxury, death. (again with the suicidal thoughts but i too much of a coward to commit the act...that's good, right?) i think "my friends" would be better off without me, i'm ruining their scene... FINE I DON'T NEED THEM ANYWAY! i'm bugging. nothing else. dolefulutter ♥