i've been having these dreams where i go to the doctor's and he tells me that i have cancer. i look at him and ask him for his advice on possible treatments. He uncomfortably looks away and i start to understand. I postponed too long to go see him, there was no hope for me. He gathers courage and tells me: "I've never had to say this to someone so young so early in my career, but you're in terminal phase of liver cancer. Your chances of survival are slim, you only have less than a year to live." I look at him and i unconsciously expire in relief. I do not start crying, but I don't deny my faith either. I am in pure acceptance of the fact. Faster than slowly, sitting quietly in my doctor's office, I start planning my death. He searches for my gaze, a sign of sadness, angriness, or even denial, but he finds nothing of that sort. I get up and tell him thank you with a smile. Next thing i know i'm home, i call everyone and tell them that i will see them soon, we will have a nice celebration. i tell them i have cancer, and i receive the crisped expressions of sympathy and pity. they don't understand that i am in peace with myself, the world opened it's arms to me and i was not going to get treatment... oh no! i was going to live for a while, might as well do what i love and stay away form being strapped to a hospital bed. i plan my funeral and place it in the hands of my crying sister. i tell her, it's better that way, i was at rock bottom, nothing could be worse but, most of all, i was free of the future && then i wake up with a strange feeling of euphoria.