My shut down mind revived and occupied the emptiness, as it always did. I tried to hide the creativity that seems to always get me in trouble. The beauty in weirdness, the laziness that takes over me. The search for something beyond me, love? hate? jealousy? I am an era of loss. I live truly w/o people, yet I hate that room in my mind that I visit alone. Arms wrapped around my body, every pulse heard, wanting to disapear but is afraid of whats so deeply wanted. To be alone, to be surrounded by a crowd, to be alive w/o breathing. silent. It's confort to know, this is as real as it gets. I dont get involved as auditor its forbidden. I become what i regret by seing me today but not tomorrow. Shall I break the rules? I am not motivated......... Am I strong enough to follow my heart? and i wont point out the flaws of society.