this is matters of yesterday spoken as if today. i cried. i screamed and became fustrated. i realized that my independence was once again on hold. let me rewind again a bit further back a few weeks; im searching for a job and i finally get an interview! yesterday, i got the results. unfortunately, i didn't get the job. the worst part is that i wasn't surprised. the realization that i was lying to myself was far more shocking to me and with that came the wall. that damned wall. it followed me here, my place of solace, or so i thought. it was here ten years ago when my parents screamed in the bedroom next door, and when my mother was sick, when we, my sister and i, sneaked out the house incognico with her. "don't tell your dad we came there," she would say when we entered an unfamiliar office. there was the wall when my dad was left without his wife...it then followed me when my mom came back for us, her children, to move hours away in toronto. it followed me throughout the five schools i came across before graduation. it even followed me all the way to the united states, a new country. and the wall was right there in front of me making me feel worthless. i hate this wall. it's the barrier to my independence and a proof of when i lie to myself. and once again, it made me cry and scream. i makes me on edge, again. i took it out on people i loved or should love because in the end, they haven't done anything bad to me, yet they haven't done anything good either. it made me very jealous when i saw a film of people living upon their descisions and their hard work and i was depending on others unvolunteerely. i was ashamed. it's with fake smiles and rehearsed lines that i look forward to the next interview. the success of it will, in my mind, tear down that wall for money, as my best friend said it: "money is freedom." it takes ruse to open a door but it takes strong will and force to tear down a wall. im only afraid that behind that wall will come another one. i talk of experience, this world is full of surprises and if one thing one musn't do is lie to oneself. things happen when you least expect them... i got a job as a cashier at foot locker! my soul wont rest until im behind the counter of the store and my first customer leaves happy...im on two edges. where will i fall? or will it be that damned damned wall that will crash down and with it, all fears and alienation. for me it would be a eye-opening moment like the berlin wall in 1989...