friendship is a complicated thing. i'm starting to wonder if it's because i was lucky in my youth, or that perhaps i didn't stick around long enough to find out my friend's true colours that i didn't realize this sooner. my present friends seem to leave me slightly confused about what a friendship is really supposed to be. i often find myself questioning my social abilities, often looking over my shoulder to ponder what they're discussing behind my back which, although not evil, isn't theirs to discuss. it often leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. i love when they make me laugh, i hate it when they make feel guilty because of it. i love it when they comfort me, i hate it when they say it's my fault in the first place. i love it when we play, i hate it when we talk. i love it when they make me feel part of something, i hate it when they ask me why i still don't have a boyfriend as if just me didn't justify my being. i realize, i'm not enough so they suck me dry.i used to value puzzles, now i'm willing to exchange this jigsaw friendship for anything. besides, i already know what the picture will look like: guilt. after all the shit i've been through in my life, i'll spare what's left of me. i know i deserve at least that.

thanks.