Thank you for that lovely comment on my last entry Anonymous. Which is ironic, because it's not very anonymous. Not at all, you ridiculous being. Dumb- Almost always. You've correctly perceived me there. In my history, I've pulled some brainless moves. Including this one. So I fully agree with you. Well done, well done. However, you do not recieve a "well done" on your grammar. If you are going to say "Your dumb," you should try to be smart about it as to prove your point effectively. However, your usage of "your" was incorrect. It should have been "You're dumb." Next time, don't be dumb. Use your words wisely. Wanna be hippie- Not quite. I want to be some things. An art teacher someday. A mom someday. A sailor someday. Alive. Yes I wanna be alive. But not any of your negative, social connotations. Why would I ever "want" to fit that?! I ask, without an answer. I'm not sure what it is about me, but people feel the need to attack my identity often. This innocent blog has been attacked several times by such people. I don't understand it. I've given up on trying to really. I'm just going to accept that people will have perceptions of me. Hell, I have a million perceptions about them too. So I guess we are all a bunch of judging assholes. We're even. I'll be me. You be you. I'll judge you, and you judge me. Ah good times.

I truly did. Pittsburgh is one of the few lucky cities who will be graced with the genius of Roger Waters from Pink Floyd. I'll be leaving IUP to come back down for it in September. Oh man, IUP. It's all I think about. I'm getting overly siked for college. I hate to think about the future too much, because I'll forget to focus on the present. But damn. IUP is going to rock. New people, new ideas, new places. How am I not supposed to consume my thoughts with college? Ben told me in his letter that IUP is a very chill environment like the school's color: burgundy. --- Yep, Ben followed up on my letter idea. His letter was intriguing, witty, and classy. Everything a letter should be. It made me smile lots. I told him he satisfied my desire to feel that rare excitement one gets when they recieve a letter in the mail. Text messages, emails, and cellphone calls just weren't cutting it. I like the old school form of letters for keeping in touch. Staying antique, ya'll. --- Tonight I went to the Beehive with the sisters and Heather and we began planning for Bonnaroo. We got down to the details-- sleeping arangments, how to pack up the van which will take us down south, and what foods to bring. It's going to be insane. Only a month left. Time, you crazy bastard who loves to be inconsistent. You either go too fast or too slow. --- I just kind of left the Randi ordeal out on a limb. So to update you with the Truth, it's almost as if a magical, happy fairy has decided to make him completley dissaparate out of my mind-- leaving the brain of mine more pure, less confused, and overdosing on Joy. I'm glad his immaturity never has to disrupt my life again. --- I love online blogging. It's so mindless. I don't have to think much. I just type Life. --- Why is it 3:30 in the morning and I cannot get to sleep?

Boyle: I think I smell like weed. World: *cue the mother and her children with absolutely offended facial expressions* --- I'm still recovering from the beautifully chaotic party at Sir Danko's apartment last night. I've decided to stay home tonight. Well, most likely. There is a keg at Zak's which is just calling my name. But I think I'm going to try to do some good to this body. It's been deprived of it's basics-- sleeping, eating right, and excersising. But hey, that drunken hike to Kwikfill with Brennan (my newfound fellow Journey fiend) may of counted as excersise. And you know, gummi worms, Wendy's, and Russ's popcorn is somewhat good food. Plus, sleeping for three hours is STILL sleeping, eh? That's right. Oh, the power of self reassurance. --- I have a good feeling this coming summer is going to be just as wacked out as last summer. Only a week and half left of high school. My excitement about being on the edge of summer outweighs any reflective feelings I have about high school coming to an end. I just want it to end already, bring on the crazy summer months. --- A serious illness of writing and drawing block has taken me over. I'm not sure if I'm not having enough inspiration in my life, or too much that it's just confusing my mind.I think it's the latter. Things have been out of control for me lately that I haven't had much time to really think and put things into perspective. I hate when I get too consumed in my own events. Ehh, but hopefully, it will pass like it usually does and my ideas will come back stronger like they usually do. --- And i retire to Ted Leo for the night. You should as well. G'night lads.

'Let be, be the finale of seem.' Ben sent me that text last night, and told me they were famous Wallace Stevens words. I checked the poem out and have been reading Stevens poems all night. Very interesting and quite complex, just like Ben. The Mr. amazes me and I've only known him for a week. He's truly spontaneous, and although a lot of people claim to be that- few really are. I hate that one interruption of getting to know him. That darn interruption being that he lives a distance away. Unfair. But maybe it has it's bizzare purpose. Maybe it's because I need to deal with my Randi issue first. It's one of the most complicated issues I've ever been webbed into. The funny thing is it really doesn't have to be. He just needs to give me a simple answer to my simple question- should I give up on him or does he really want something with me? However, when I got the will to ask him, he decides to give me a crazy answer. You know what he says? I'll tell you what he says. He says I'll know soon if we should be together like in a couple days or weeks. I don't want to sit around and wait when I could spend my time giving love to a deserving other, but I don't want to make the mistake of giving up too early. Because I know.. I'm so certain of this... if me and Randi were to have a relationship- it would be an amazing thing. I just need to know if he wants that. And soon. Not weeks, I prefer days. I've worked all weekend, and had the luck of witnessing the chaos of the Alzheimer's unit. I learned that people with Alzheimers go through a series of memory decays. It takes the most recent memories, then it attacks the oldest memories, and then hits the simplest of memories- like how to walk and talk. I witness people degrading through these steps. It's insane. Mercedes, one of my favorite residents, came to the Manor fully coherent. Today, she thought she was a little kid again. She was calling people 'Mom' and stealing things out of peoples room while humming folk songs. It's depressing to think that soon she will be one of the so-called Alzheimer's Vegetables. It's terrible really. Atleast, they can get the joy of living their childhood memories before they go. Life. Life. Life. I'll never know what to make out of all these events, this abstract knowledge, these songs, these people, this crazy.

I could rant. I could bitch. I could. But I won't. Because honestly, I find my life to be treating me amazing. The timing of everything is vindicated, I swear. I spent last weekend up at IUP. Partying in the hills. Meeting people. Melting crayons. Simply having a beyond-great time. I'm glad too. It really destroyed all the fears I had about going to college. My fears that I wouldn't be able to meet people, my fears of going to college alone, my fears of feeling self conscious about being my weird self. But no, I didn't have to worry about any of that. It was great. I'm so excited for college life now. [The great timing thing] I've only got 13 days left of high school. 13 days. I just feel ready for it be to over. I'm ready for the next part of my life. I was called a lesbian and a hippieshit in school this week. Man am I ready to go away from that place. [The timing!] A boy came into my life who likes to tell me nice things. It's swell. And I think Randi is finally decaying in my memory. Let's hope there is no relapse on those feelings. Oh and.. I love to paint so much more than anything ever i love it aslfkasjdflasdjf

When we recieve shots, they actually inject us with a little bit of the virus in order for us to build an immunity to it. I consider all of my demented past relationships a bunch of shots, leaving me immune to false love. I'm done with petty boys and their petty issues. I'm done with throwing myself out there for this crap. The only thing I'm not immune to is true love. I think it's a rare bug. Not everyone gets it. Only the lucky ones. Maybe i'll get it someday. But i'll wait forever, even if it never comes. And trust me, I will know when it comes. Atleast I think so. --- Another topic which I feel the need to address is the fact that I am still a virgin. I didn't think it was so strange, until i started to realize that I am truly one of the few around me. To be 18 and still a virgin these days is almost ludacris. Rather than this make me feel weird, it makes me feel awesome. I'm so proud that I haven't given into the pressure when guys have tried to pull their shit on me. I'm above all that. I can control my body. When teens have sex, its usually disgusting and sleezy to me. Sex should be about love but when I hear about teenage hookups, it depresses me. Teenage hookups just seem selfish and greedy and completley triggered by the fucked up hormones of the highschool era. Nothing is worse to me than hearing about them discussed so nonchalant. Bah. It makes me mad. Don't get me wrong. I'm waiting for love, and it is true that some teens who are having sex are truly in love with their partner. And, well, good for you. That's special, and as long as you realize this that's totally cool. Have as much sex as you want. The more I wait, the more special it will be I think. Seriously, how amazing would it be to say to someone 'i've waited just for you and only you because i truly do love you.' I feel that waiting will only leave me more time to find the person that I really do want to be saving myself for. Again, back to the true love thing. I want to wait for it, even if it never comes. --- Ha, all these words are probably torture to the male species.

This past weekend was pretty eventful. On Friday, I found myself drunk and pee'ing on a sidewalk. That's the extent of my memory. On Saturday, I was randomly motivated to actually go and get that tattoo I've been thinking/talking about so much. I walked into Southside Tattoo with my little sketch. They came back about 5 minutes later with a perfected sketch and said they could take me in a few minutes. My heart started beating but not as hard as when they put the inked needles to the instep of my foot for that first second. It was a freaking rush. I held onto my sisters arm as the needles went directly over my ankle bone. Oh man it hurt like nothing else. But it was the best pain ever. Knowing that I was getting art on my body felt great. During the 20 minutes of great pain, 'Let it Be' came on and I just rocked out with a painfully awful voice. I exposed the bandaging four hours later at Meg's dads house. It tattoo turned out wonderful. I was worried i would have anxiety about something being on my body for the rest of my life, but once I saw it- I knew I'd want it to be there forever. It was just right. That night was just right as well. We split up some shrooms and had a lovely, trippy night full of lots of laughter and human interaction. I wouldn't of changed that day for anything. I think it was one of my most memorable days ever. From the tattoo to gazing inside an apple, illustrations of my memory. With all the goodness, I knew I was doomed for some not-so-great days to come. Life works like that for me. My happy living life meter goes from amazingly amazing to this level of mediocre that I hate. It never goes too low though. I mean I don't know what low is- I have a good family, friends, good health, and I'm passionate about things. I'm not a starving child living in a genocide. I'd feel pathetic if I ever complained about my life so much. People who are self consumed with their problems really need to find something else to get consumed with. Like a bunch of nothing, leaving their existence impossible. So yeah-- um--- amazing to mediocre is the levels of my life happiness. Mediocre has taken me over since Saturday. No eventful things to say. So lets just leave it at that. Have a lovely day. Be spontaneous. Go hug a stranger.

The sun has been coming out beautifully for this spring break. I've been truly enjoying each day outside with the people I love the most. I've decided on a tattoo. I'm getting 'here comes the sun' written on my foot with the suns rays coming off the quote. Not only is it my favorite Beatles song, but it has mad meaning to it. I was thinking real hard about what matters the most to me in my life, and I came to the conclusion that it truly is the sun. I'm my happiest when it's out. The sun is my comfort, my truth, and my higher power. It's the simple cure to everything. --- Today is Easter. I had the option of going to church, but I chose not to. I'm slowly and thoughtfully coming to the conclusion about my stand on religion. I do not want to follow the Catholic religion my parents brought me up on. I mean, I'm thankful they did and it taught me morals- but it's just not fully for me. There's alot about it that i don't believe. I really, really feel that religion is a personal, spiritual connection with yourself- and a higher power. I don't feel the need to follow the strict standards of the Church or to pray in pews when I can simply connect any time I chose. My higher power. I'm not sure of its form, but I have faith in it. It exists in everything, and resides everywhere. Simply put, my religion is love and nature. It's what I pray to. I'm not sure if I anyone can understand it [my parents especially], and I'm not trying to preach my beliefs. Just simply sorting out my chaotic thoughts on this impactful Easter.

My weekend was a good bit of interesting and a large part of working with a taste of music and a hug of the sun. I don't feel like eloborating on it though. So instead, here is a little bit of satire for you all. It's my views on the whole parental control thing. Hope you enjoy. --- With his eyes fixed upon the moving pictures on the enormous talking square, he continuously filled brain cells awaiting their life‘s purpose to attain knowledge. From the songs that Barney sang to the lessons that Arthur taught, the little boy of only four years old absorbed every slight detail. A sharp pain under his small leg interrupted the soaking of information. An interesting plastic, rectangular object full of colorful buttons was the cause of this peculiar pain. The little boy had noticed this object before. He knew that those parent figures had used this to make the moving pictures on the large screen flicker to brand new moving pictures. What a powerful tool, the little prodigy of age four thought. Quite magical, really. Regardless of the fear that he was doing something wrong, he pushed a few of the tempting, colorful buttons. The big flashing square, which was often referred to as the two letters, “TV” in the “big adult” language, quickly responded to the touching of the buttons. The little boy watched as a woman, who was certainly not Mommy, poured out the mean, wet things from the eyes and talked to a man with a microphone. The show was a typical American talk show about the corrupted world of love. The crying woman was telling the story of how her husband cheated on her with her best friend. The man with the microphone tried to comfort her, but all seemed hopeless. Although some of the words were vague and completely unclear to the little boy, he caught every other word. The words contradicted everything he had been absorbing in his long, four years of life. Barney had always talked so positively of love and friendship and all that makes the world smile; however, this real woman who is not dressed in a Styrofoam costume is preaching about how it has brought her such pain. The little boy did not know what to make of it all. Mommy ran in and turned the television off. “John, I thought you set the parental controls! Our baby boy was just watching Jerry Springer,” said Mommy. She pushed a bunch of buttons, and said, “There, there. You won’t be coming across anymore of that garbage anymore!” However, the little boy was already touched upon the reality of the world outside of the fantasy kids shows. As years passed, the little boy had grown to be a big boy. A boy who was let out into society. With each day of growth, he slowly let go of the standards and lies that the television nursed him on. Although he still knew there was good and love and friendship, he was also aware of the contrasting side which he first witnessed the day the remote controller led him to Jerry Springer. “Mom,” the teenager signaled, “Do you ever find it frustrating to know that you were able to set those parental controls on the television when I was a kid, but you can’t set them all the time? It’s a shame, you know. Too bad you can’t control what I see in real life.”

We have this new resident at work named Ed. He never says a word to anyone. He just gets real close to you and kind of stares with this odd smile. Today at work (I'm working full-time again, by the way), I saw him coming near me and I tried to say hi to him, not expecting an answer or anything though. I've tried to talk to him plenty of times before. But today was different. He came close to me and pointed to my face. "Blue eyes," he said to me. He smiled and walked away with his harley davidson hat. I thought it was pretty cool. For a man who never says a word to point out my blue eyes makes me feel special, I wont lie. Simplicity amazes me. I've come to a decision on my most favorite song ever composed. The winner is "Have a little faith in me." There is something about it that makes me feel this remarkable thing. It may be it's use in the movies Benny and Joon and Phenomenon. It's just a beautiful song. More importantly, I've come to a decision on the whole ordeal with Randi. Well, I realized that Randi had me, even if i never had him. I was pretty in-over-my-head with him. I don't know how or what he did. But he did it, and I fell for him. Theres been alot of guys who have come into my life throughout my high school days, but Randi made an impact the others didnt. It sucks that the boy that I had to fall this hard for is an immature one who hooks up with my friends and is too much of a baby to talk to me about it. It sucks that I didn't have the reverse effect on him. He wasn't nearly as into me as I was with him- I guess its Newton's law about every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I try to enjoy him, he fucks with my head. So clearly, I've been having a hard time dealing with it this past week. But I've been trained in the coping of shitty boys, and I managed to control the situation. My friends, my art, and my weed are much to thank. I've calmed down alot and realized that even after all of this, I don't want to stop talking to Randi. I don't talk to any of the guys I've ever had something with in the past anymore. That's pathetic. I'm embarrased by that. Just because one thing happens, I shouldn't hide and pretend they don't exist. I'm going to change that with Randi. I'm willing to be mature. I'm willing to be okay with him. OKAY with him. Not anything else. I refuse to have feelings for him anymore. I'm going to try this head over heart thing. I'm not going to like anyone until I have one of those lovely movie moments and a guy does something to make me love them. I think the first guy to give me a movie moment- is the guy I'm going to consider the love of my life. Hah, I'm so hopeless.

I was asked if I ‘..got anything good for my birthday?’ and my answer was an enthusiastic ‘…yes! The sun.’ For real, it was the best gift I could of received. I fell asleep on the night of March 29th, tripping out to the Big Dipper light years above me and wishing upon a shooting star which I believe was not invented by sleepy eyes. I could see every star and I knew that meant there was going to be a clear sky for tomorrow. The weatherman and I were right. I awoke to the sound of birds (where did they go all this time I do not know) and the sun coming through the window. I rebelliously decided that school was not for me today. Rather, I stayed home and laid on my warm roof while the catchy beats from the Postal Service CD jammed out of my walkman. It felt lovely. I was perfectly happy. I knew exactly how to take advantage of the beautiful weather and enjoy my birthday to the finest and it consisted of one word: ROLLERBLADING. I snapped on my brand new roller blades and owned South Park trails with my ego-full moves. I was flying. It felt good to be on skates again. I like to move fast like that. I love that I have that slight fear in the back of my mind that if I hit a tiny stick, it could all be over for me. It’s risky. It’s a rush. I freaking love roller blades, regardless of how retro they are anymore. My day was made special by the few who have my unconditional love. My family, who I shared a kickass dinner with at my favorite egg-roll-making Sesame Inn. Also, my bestest friend Katie who accompanied me in skipping out on school and spending the say laying in the sun at Brentwood Square and randomly bursting out to song and dance. Everyone sang happy birthday to me. I had two birthday cakes. My two favorite kind: confetti cake and krybels bakery cake. Oh, paradise. I ended the night at the Beehive down Southside with my sister Rachel and Heather. Feeling stoned from the birthday hits on the way there, I had an awesome time talking with the two of them and just enjoying everything. Taking in the day as best I could. Everyone says ‘.. I don’t feel any older’ when asked that cliché birthday question. But I really do feel older. 18. An adult. It’s crazy. But I know I’ve grown up after my 18 years of existence. I’m certain of myself, and for once-- I’ve got my feet on the ground walking towards my fate while enjoying my present.

Oh lovely lovely. Fucking lovely. Let's just say that Boy A, who happens to be the boy I've been crushing on hard for nearly half a year has decided to go and have drunken, unjustified sex with Girl B, who is a good friend of mine. Also included are Friends C and D were just going to avoid me finding out at all costs. Wow people are shitty. Yes, people-- not friends. I don't call any of these people friends any more. They are shitty. They are the people who I don't want to be associated with. Furthermore, I think alcohol is the devil and if i hear one more excuse that it was due to drunkness--- I might go on a rampage and throw alot of stuff. Including People A, B, C, and D out of the window. Thank you. Anyway. Today was a beautiful day after I got over the shock which hit me at precisely 7:40 this morning. The sun was out, I layed out on my roof, I got to hang out with my smilemaker Katie, and I got freaking BRAND NEW BIRTHDAY ROLLERSKATES. AND I fell in love with Rick from Anchorman. I'm wearing them right this moment, as I'm sitting here typing. I'm happy about them. I want to rollerskate all over the world-- far away from this BULLSHIT which is teenage drama. Thank you again. Last but not least, I hope they are all real happy knowing that their actions cannot possibly be justified to me. I hope they are are all real happy knowing that this proves their character is well--- BAD. Goodnight. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to have a good week. My birthday is on Thursday. And I just looked at the forecast which predicated Thursday to be the nicest day of the week with a high of 65 and the sun will be a'shining. ---- Auto response from Feff0906: Please everyone! Take your hits! Fucking be as cruel to me as you want. I dont give a fuck anymore and I've got my new birthday rollerskates and that's all I need to be happy in this world. KatieD6589: n u got me too I love that girl.

I really feel like writing right now. In all of my art education, it has been stressed that we must carefully plan our paintings. We must know what we are going to do before we do it. And you know what- it feels awesome to rebel against that. I came home today and I painted. Aimlessly. I let my hands (I decided to use only my left actually) do whatever they (it) wanted. I didn't worry about line, composition, and all that jazz. I just painted. I found myself putting more emotion into it. I wasn't worrying about 'does this look realistic? is the focal point okay? warm/cool? ahh!'. I could just enjoy art. In the meantime, I'll please all the art people by following the painting guidelines- but on my own, i'm going to do my own style. The results are crazy, but they calm me. Last night I went to fill up the van. I open the door, I grab my debit, I lock the door, I step out to the gas pump, and I close the door. Missing step: The keys. Locked in. I freaked. I would of easily remained calm if I was the only person affected but I knew that I would have to call my dad and I knew that he was going to freak. Which he did. He accused me of being on drugs, and you know- I got the whole 'don't expect to take the car out anymore.' So as I'm waiting for a spare key to arrive from my amazingly helpful friend Katie, I was abandoned at the gas station. My nerves were at an all time high, and the gas station employee wasn't helping. He was the creepiest dude ever. He kept getting real close to me, with his missing fron tooth, and then randomly said, 'You know women can fake an orgasm, but a man can fake an entire relationship.' Then he told me how he has a 'women clicker' and he pushes it when he wants. '..If i want a beer, I click the FETCH ME ANOTHER button. It works wonders.' I laughed at the moment, unaware of the psychological trauma it would cause me. I'm now absolutely terrified of men, and I'm pretty certain that I will never get married. All because I locked my keys in the car. I had this dream where I had to go in front of a government panel and decide how I wanted to die. The options: natural causes, assisted death, or I could die in a really cool way. I didn't want to decide in my dream. I ran away from the panel and they chased me. It was a crazy dream. I'm glad the way of our death is an uncertain thing. I'm glad that I never know the exact time or way or anything like that. It would be a terrible thing. I hate thinking about death at all, yet my dreams love it. I always dream about issues with death. It's weird. I really hope the near future is good to me. I hope I have a good weekend. I hope I smile alot. Are these weird things to hope for? Should I not hope, and rather create them? Do we make our own happiness? To me, I think it should come naturally.

I gave blood. I saved a life but in doing so- I almost died. I passed out and woke up with this crazy theory that they don't really use our blood to help people... the government gives it to a secret colony of vampires that they have decided to compromise with...they get our blood if they agree to live in isolation. I should pass out more often, i think it peaks my craziness. Speaking of craziness, everyone should see V for Vendetta. Truly one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's crazy good. I was hungover this whole morning, on the beer and on him. I couldn't get him off my mind. It's awesome.

The update on that: Last night was just the first of one of my the many 2006 bonfires to come. While I was picking up beer cans and max's shoes this morning, dad handed me the empty bottle of grey goose vodka and told me this would have been a good bonfire starter. Heh, good times. I have crazy friends, and an even crazier family. It was inevitable for me to be crazy as well. --- The update on this: So we waltzed on the trampoline, drunk off wine, thinking that Paul Bunyon and his ox were near us. During this completely strange moment, I realized that I was perfectly content with him, and that I was smiling REAL. Everytime I see him, I want to hold him and tell him all the reasons why he is so amazing. ---but the standards of this life prevent me from doing that. For i would be talking for way too long that it would seem quite odd. So on the other hand, I keep it all in. From my actions he should know that I feel this things about him, but I have never said any of this to him. --- The update on it all: I've decided that gummi bears, yes gummi bears, beat out all other candy.

Rachel picked me up from school early. We drove all over this city, covering uncharted roads. Okay, okay... I let go of my oath for the day. It was just such a nice day! We had the windows down, the music loud, and my sister had some good stuff. So hey- why not? It was a wonderful few hours. At one point, Rachel and I just kept raising our voices. We would start real quiet and get as loud as we could. It was a rush, I mean we never raise our voices. I couldn't get enough of it. It feels good to just scream sometime. During my one scream, this guy driving next to us got out of his car and told me 'It's okay, keep singing, I won't tell no one.' It was quite weird. Mmm.. what a lovely day. Any day with the sun is a lovely day. It reminds me of my happiest moment of my entire life, which I found in a simple second where the sun was hitting me perfectly and I was laying in the greenest grass in that blanket of blue.. ohhhh man. It was happiness in its purest form. The sun automatically triggers that memory every time. I'm lucky to have that I suppose. Maybe if I move somewhere where it is always sunny, I will always be happy. If i don't get a mad case of skin cancer or something. --- It's necessary for me to post these lyrics. This song is love, love, love.... Sun is shining in the sky there aint a cloud in sight it's stopped raining Everybody's in the play And don't you know it's a beautiful new day, Hey-hey Running down the avenue See how the sun shines brightly In the city On the streets where once was pity Mr. Blue Sky is living here today Mr.Blue Sky, please tell us why, you had to hide away for so long, Where did we go wrong Mr.Blue Sky, please tell us why, you had to hide away for so long, Where did we go wrong Hey, you, with the pretty face welcome to the human race A celebration Mr. Blue Sky's up there waiting And today is the day we've waited for, Mr.Blue Sky, please tell us why, you had to hide away for so long Where did we go wrong Hey, there, Mr. Blue, we're so pleased to be with you, Look around, see what you do, everybody smiles at you Hey, there, Mr. Blue, we're so pleased to be with you, Look around, see what you do, everybody smiles at you Mr. Blue Sky, Mister Blueee Sky, Mr Blueee Skyyy, yi Mr. Blue, you'll get it right, but soon comes Mr. Night, Creepin' over, now his hand is on your shoulder, Nevermind, I'll remember you this, I'll remember you this way Mr.Blue Sky, please tell us why, you had to hide away for so long, Where did we go wrong Hey, there, Mr. Blue Sky, we're so pleased to be with you sky, Look around, see what you do Blue, everybody smiles at you

7 days and no weed. That is pretty damn good for me. I was awesome this week. I started working out a few times this week. Healthy lifestyling. Unlike my usual self, I went to school a lot this week. AND I focused! For real, too. I was conquering calculus and it felt good. We went shopping and I tried on clothes, and felt confident. CONFIDENT. It's a big deal. My entire life i've been too skinny, or too awkward looking to ever feel good. Also, I gained a little peace of mind. I'm not as confused or full of anxiety. Things are better. I'm feeling happier, and I don't feel like Im lying to myself when I say that.

Last dance with mary jane one more time to kill the pain. I feel summer creeping in and i'm tired of this town again. man, could a song sum up my present self any better? That's insane. --- Things are shit still. I tried up'ing my dosage of pot since my last entry. I smoked lots of it. It helped for a while. Until I hit a gravity bong full of dro and had an anxiety attack. Thus being the first time I've ever recieved a negative feeling off the substance. It was scary and it sucked. Now, i'm kinda scared to take another hit of anything. So my one and only cure to shitty days failed me. What am I supposed to do? Try to go clean? Maybe that's my best bet to regaining happiness and goodness in my life. Maybe the things that I thought were doing that were just illusive. Sleep. Yes. That's my new, experimental cure. My dreams seem to be about a million times more interesting than my real life anyhow. --- I was reading my past entries. About two years ago. And I realized that so much has changed. Everyone (especially me) and ev everything. It's crazy. People have real problems now and stuff. What happened to the times when i could simply write summaries of the glory days on this diary?

I look at my phone. Nothing. It's so idle sometimes. I'm sitting alone. Getting drunk off my wine. One boy next to me is on the phone [slightly hammered] confessing his undying love for some girl. The couple is on the bed happily making out. And there is me. Sitting alone. Getting drunk off my wine. As I said before, yeah. I felt so lonely. I didn't have anyone. I thought I did. But I finally realized last night that it's pretty evident he just isn't into me. It's rare that he calls. When he does, it's cause hes got nothing to do. He shows nothing towards me. It sucks. I kept wishing he would say something, and it would go somewhere. However, I see now that wishing is wasting time. I'm done. And I'm back to lonely. In all my thinking and sad eyes, JJ comes out of nowhere and asks me- What gets you ticking? I wanted so bad to give a good answer. That's like the ultimate question. What do you like and disklike.. what gets you going... And i said I dunno. I'm so lame. I thought hard though, and finally came up with my true honest answer. Art. It's good to me. It's always there. Not like most things. It lets me be me. Not like most things. And I don't have to answer to it. Like i have to with most things. And the best part about it. I can be alone with it, and it loves me equally. It's my utopian solitude. He showed me what gets him ticking. It makes me appreciate people alot more when I see they have a talent or love. It's nice to have something to fall back on. A passion that remains constant. Because I've noticed, that my life decides to lead me to dead-ends alot. And I'll feel like jumping off of them everytime I get to one. But there's always something that is therapuetic to me in those moments. It's always been Art. I went on a high ride with the dowds after. That gets me ticking too. I felt good, and started on a new way again- probably another dead-end but oh fucking well. I'm ready for college. I want to learn as much about art as I can. Not only that, but I want to get away from this place. I'm ready to meet people who are like me....

My last entries wish did not come true. My valentines day was not special. Not at all. I stayed home alone with not a single call while I tripped on cough medicine. Yep. It came back strong again. Sick AGAIN! I haven't been able to shake this thing for nearly two months now. I went to the doctor and they did bloodwork on me. The doc's genius conclusion: Allergies. Sorry, but I dont think so. Allergies wouldn't be doing this to me. My conclusion: After thinking over a million things from cancer to diabetes to bird flu to 'im dying,' I've decided that I am simlply winter sick. Yes, that's reasonable. I just need summer. I need to be outside more. I need the sun's medicine. I've missed so much school due to this thing, that I'm in the biggest hole ever. I'm kind of quiting now. I just don't care. All I do in class is draw in my sketchbook anyway. My teachers hate me for it. I don't need calculus or any of that bull. It's pointless. --- I have friends. Some really steady awesome friends. But I don't really have a best friend. Like your movie best friend. The one that will just give you a best friend hug when you need it. I dunno, I kind of feel like I'm missing out on that whole relationship. But I guess having all my sisters for friends makes up for that. --- I must like this one more than I ever anticipated. Not talking to him for just a week has driven me to think about him alot. I keep having these crazy dreams... they are so nice though. It's just me and him running away. One night we were on the California beaches. And one night we were just walking in the woods. And then last night, we were driving on one of those empty roads that go into the horizon which you can never get close to. Maybe things with him in real life aren't fullfilling enough that I have to make things up in my dreams to make my life feel fullfilling. I think this is true. I think I want something alot more than he'll ever give me. I need something more than these occasional get togethers. I need him to tell me that I mean something to him. Something. It doesn't even have to be much. Damnit, I hate when I type that way. I sound helpless and ridiculous. --- I just coughed up blood. Yeah, allergies my ass. I guess I'll go to sleep or something. Dream about boy some more. Oh man i just need something to happen in this life. Something good. My mission: terminate this mediocricy.