My last entries wish did not come true. My valentines day was not special. Not at all. I stayed home alone with not a single call while I tripped on cough medicine. Yep. It came back strong again. Sick AGAIN! I haven't been able to shake this thing for nearly two months now. I went to the doctor and they did bloodwork on me. The doc's genius conclusion: Allergies. Sorry, but I dont think so. Allergies wouldn't be doing this to me. My conclusion: After thinking over a million things from cancer to diabetes to bird flu to 'im dying,' I've decided that I am simlply winter sick. Yes, that's reasonable. I just need summer. I need to be outside more. I need the sun's medicine. I've missed so much school due to this thing, that I'm in the biggest hole ever. I'm kind of quiting now. I just don't care. All I do in class is draw in my sketchbook anyway. My teachers hate me for it. I don't need calculus or any of that bull. It's pointless. --- I have friends. Some really steady awesome friends. But I don't really have a best friend. Like your movie best friend. The one that will just give you a best friend hug when you need it. I dunno, I kind of feel like I'm missing out on that whole relationship. But I guess having all my sisters for friends makes up for that. --- I must like this one more than I ever anticipated. Not talking to him for just a week has driven me to think about him alot. I keep having these crazy dreams... they are so nice though. It's just me and him running away. One night we were on the California beaches. And one night we were just walking in the woods. And then last night, we were driving on one of those empty roads that go into the horizon which you can never get close to. Maybe things with him in real life aren't fullfilling enough that I have to make things up in my dreams to make my life feel fullfilling. I think this is true. I think I want something alot more than he'll ever give me. I need something more than these occasional get togethers. I need him to tell me that I mean something to him. Something. It doesn't even have to be much. Damnit, I hate when I type that way. I sound helpless and ridiculous. --- I just coughed up blood. Yeah, allergies my ass. I guess I'll go to sleep or something. Dream about boy some more. Oh man i just need something to happen in this life. Something good. My mission: terminate this mediocricy.