Thank you for letting me get my diary back. I had changed the password some time ago right after I changed the diary to private, and so I haven't been able to see anything on here for roughly a year. That generally sucks when I had written in here for about two years. I have to move some things from word documents to this place, but I don't feel like it now. I'm in college now. It was a big risk, coming here to Truman where I have no friends and have to pay a bunch of money. I think it was generally worth it. Jackie and I didn't become friends like I expected, despite the first two weeks. She's currently shunning me, and hates my personality. I don't need that. To everyone's surprise, me included, I had no trouble making friends here. The only regret is that my personality has dulled. I'm not half the jerk I used to be. Jake and Matt will be upset. On the other hand I've taken a much less critical stance on life and I can currently relax and laugh. As far as what I've been doing around here, studying and getting drunk. I'm not used to so much gettin drunk, and I hurt myself alot. It's funny. Oh wow, the beatles are good. You have to stop and tell them once and awhile. I also got angry and cut my hair. I'll say why somewhere else, as it's a very angry matter. There are important things to put down, but right now I think I'm just too happy to get this diary back to think. Bye like

My dad is ranty today because my younger brother (eric, though I'm sure you'll remember) made him angry last night. I'll chronical the events of today. Earlier when I was to go to work after we all pitched in and shoveled the driveway, what a good family we are, I asked my dad if I'd drive to work or if he needed the car and wanted to drive me. He poceeded to tell me "God-damit Andy I told you I need the car. You can't take it to work." Later he took me to work. After work daddy picked me up and told me we were going to target for a minute but changed his mind. And I told him I was going to go get candy while we were there. He was nice and made up a reason to go to the gas station, saying he wanted a soda fountain pop, so that he could get me a candy bar. He got me something and got mom something and me another something, and said that he wouldn't get anything for Eric, becuase he was a brat. In the car he mentioned Eric again, even though I had stopped participating in the conversation, and told me about how Eric said something to him last night that set him off. I'd easily say both sides are at fault, my dad's not that bad. When we get home the remote isn't with the tv and so dad gets angry and yells at us for losing the remote and tells us that nobody can watch tv but him, it's his house. My mom proves that it could only have been him that lost the remote and that she and I were gone and eric was in his room. He continued to rant. He wouldn't get up and finish the stew and rice that was already ready and let us eat until we stopped bothering him about it. Then mom was aggravating him by rubbing her finger on the crystal (or fake?) glass and making noise and dad turned the tv up all the way. Mom left and I left but he told me food was ready, so I got some and asked him to turn down the tv, and he told me that it's his house and he should be able to have it at whatever volume he wants. I walked away and he turned down the tv so I sat back down instead. I was in the tub and he blasted in and yelled at me becuase he almost stepped on the playstation downstairs while putting a movie in and that me and eric shouldn't get online or watch tv, or enjoy ourselves tonight, and that we can only clean the kitchen and our rooms or I'd need to leave the house. I decided I'm not going to get mad at him and be angry all night. I'm too busy to be getting angry. I dont' want to waste my life yelling and hating, when I could be enjoying it and ignoring the little things. Dad's downstairs now, and Eric is watching tv. I don't think he always realizes how ridiculous he's being. Sometimes when he says something really ridiculous and I don't respond or give modest okays, he'll get embarressed. Anyhow I have an essay to finish tonight. Bye like

Lonliness beats frustration. I hate loneliness, it has come to haunt me. I haven't a single good reason to be lonely but there I was staring at myself in a mirror for thirty minutes telling myself I hate me. I don't know, what fixes this. Having a girlfriend doesn't fix it. Having friends never fixed it. Excercise delayed it. Distraction ignores it. I wasn't too far gone. I remember once I was listening to the white album (beatles) for the first time and the song "Ob La Di, Ob La Da" came on. I thought this song is amazing, I was soaring, I was happy for the first time I had been in 5 months. For real happy. It was the moment I truely got my happy back. And the lyrics have a line that says "Live goes on, Yeah!" And I thought, it is true: life goes on, life gets better. That's not only true when your sad and someone is trying to comfort you, it's true when your soaring with happy. It is truth. I came out of the kitchen when I thought of it. Life gets better. I'm lonely now, but life goes on, it gets better, I'll be happier tomorrow. And then I came here. Remember Andy Remember Bye like

They never have transient as a mood in that thing. I sure wish it was in there. I really like my instruments. I can't wait to understand the violin more, but sevenths, come on. How will I ever fit a major scale in one hands worth? That was a new discovery today. Anyhow, I got some nice rosin, and some trumpet goop. I want to be outside and I want it to be warm. I don't normally need people, but I need someone that I can pretend is leaning on my shoulder. I need my imagination. I need my imaginary friends. It occurs to me that it may be a little wierd that I left all this stuff from Jackie all over my room. I wonder if I should take it down? Especially the stuff that's insulting to me. Eh. Eh. Boy I just don't feel strongly tonight whatsoever. That sucks. I'm a little sleepy. After listening to earth for so very long last night I really appreciate drums more. Bye like

I'm having trouble with lying to myself. I can't remember when I started these things and whether or not they are true or something I did to me. Physically I've trained myself to touch the wall and the door every time I go up the stairs. I really can't help it after a couple of years of it. If I miss it, I'll go all the way downstairs to touch the wall and start over. If I burp I say hicup. I truely can't control these things anymore. These ones are benign and I chose them just to see if I could train myself, but I'm having troubles with some other things that I can't remember if they are me or if they are something I did to me to punish myself after I left Jackie. When me matt and evan were listening to Earth at matt's mommys I couldn't help but watching this discustingly fat lady drive off in a rusty car and had a creviced face. Normally I'd think pure hatred and discust, but we were listening to earth and I instead felt I liked her despite everything, but imediately dispelled it and definately didn't say anything about it. Also that whole night matt marked my attitude as contrary, which was completely true, I was being troublesome and a jerk for no reason but to be a jerk. If I was following my impulses that night and I was just doing what should be natural to me then what is it that I feel day to day. Did I really always hate people like I do now. When did I start telling myself that? I'm not sure and I can't tell if I'm really that angry at the world or if I'm lying to myself and it's that well trained into me. I know I'm lonely, I'm becoming more happy, but it feels like it's at a cost. I miss companionship very much, I'm not deep friends with jake anymore, I don't know matt inside out anymore, and I don't have a girlfriend who cares anymore. Does it make a difference? Didn't I feel like this anyway. I really don't know. I look back on this journal and I notice that I was estactic from time to time. I don't want the only times that I'm estactic to be when I'm listening to earth. I'm still trying to be a better person. I'm going to quit with the hating people thing for awhile. It seems to erode my selfconfidence, though, which should be a sign to me. No more growling and I'll quit telling of my philosophy. And maybe I'll take matt's words and try to kill contrary Andy. Bye like

I'm lacking motivation everywhere, probably because I'm lonely, but that will only make things worse, so it'll be spiralling mess. I just have to force myself out of one or the other. But it's late and I don't feel like really doing my physics homework, or typing a reading journal for Lit., or finishing this entry. But I have a job now, I work at Hollywood Video, a bad job, kind of worthless position, but it's money none the less. I'm sorry, I feel guitly right now. Bye like

It doesn't really matter, I'm pretty sure the damage is done. But I'm ready and able to be happy again. How to act on it? Get a job, a girlfriend, stop wasting my time. I had fun with Matt last night. Evan was over and we played music for about 20 minutes, before Tajea (however you spell it), Matt's neice had to go to bed. (her birthday was the next morning) Me and matt drew in the black book, and generaly sat around boringly. Anyhow less of the time line it's time for some thought. I don't think I'm jealous of Jackie and Evan anymore, but I'm still jealous because Evan stole Matt from me. I hate that I'm jealous, and I really hate that in myself, jealousy is the worst emotion ever. I think I may be able to deal with matt being gone though, seeing as he's such a superficial friend. I need a good friend again. Jake, as if. Jake has taken a dive, I wouldn't tell him where I eat lunch. I've been mediocrely happy for about three days now. If it sticks, it sticks. I just have to stop having days like today though. I didn't acomplish a single thing today. I still need to bring the sky down to the horizon in my painting and retune by bass, and those are just fun things I want to do. TV is my devil. I think I may have lost sight of what I find beutiful. Nothing is anymore. Well I do like outside alot right now. And beatles, but as far as girls, nobody. I can try and try to fake myself into thinking I like someone, but it's fake no matter what. I'm just recenly getting my happy back, and it took two months for that, so the really good highs won't be here for quite awhile since it took me about 7 months to go downhill. It's time for bed. Bye like

I have a guitar thing where I'll probably have to play in front of people and be jovial from time to time where other people won't take notice of me and where I'll have no friends, but it'd be the only constructive thing I'll end up doing all day. Will I go? I kind of want to. I want to hear other people play. I don't want to be this upset when I get there. I want to go outside I really want to run. I feel selfish. I've already burnt too many bridges. I don't think I'll go. I'll go outside for now and play guitar there with no pressure. Bye like

How do I feel right now? Better than before? did my isolation gain me any ground, or did I instead fall through the floor? Can I understand my personailty, or do I only think I can? Do I controll my emotions or do they controll me? About what I wrote. (I wrote I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ect. Fucking group work on an anotation note for Lit. class and the teacher noticed it.) Do I regret it? Yes, Why? Because I got caught and put in a sticky situation, because I lessened the respect of this teacher for me. Because I got caught and don't want her to know what I think of her. I recognise that I felt akward in the situation, causing me to act out in a way to make me fee more comforatble. At the time did it do me andy good? Probably, a listtle. I would rather be as the narrator of NOTES FROM THE UNDERGROUND, than as a normal doughnut eating, T.V. watching (Says fuding, or fucking?) blind dumb american, even if it means hating for no good reason. Hate is feeling, I'd rather feel than numb, but in that feeling and it's cultivation are numbness. Is it forced feeling, or is it fate? I recognise, when I'm cold, that when I'm hot it's forced feeling, but that it easily gets carried away. My friends recognise that I do this to myself. In such a situation where they help me along, have I any friends. I haven't, not even myself. (I probably was writing phylisophically, and with big stylized words because I was nervous and trying to make myself feel, grander and more important that I was. Obviously I'd rather bury myself righting than face that I did something wrong, and I'd rather bury myself in hate than face an akward situation.)

I always mean to get back to the Andy I was as a freshman, and I have a feeling that it comes in four year cycles, that I'm about to be Freshman Andy again in college. I used to have strong morals, tried my best to act like a caring human being, and had much stronger control over my temptations and emotions. Running for example. Because I want to be able to know when this is taking place and when I degrade into a lesser Andy I decided it was important that I take notes so I'll know next time. This diary has helped me to know how the process works though I don't have much early documentation. Right now I feel mildly lonely all the time, and very lonely late on a night. I don't feel like running except for the sole purpose of running, though I haven't run for two or three weeks. I feel healthy, and I still eat very well. I find myself very unattractive though I think people are looking at me. This drives the desire to improve my body. I don't feel like I have the moral standard that I used to set for myself, lying, cursing, and allowing myself glutteny, not talking to people when they are trying to be nicer to me, and acting like a jerk becuase I find it funny. I also take very great pride in the fact that I am what I am and I do what comes to me. I'm pretty sure that confidence never rung true with me when I was good Andy. I want to make myself a better person, and I think that I'm not that attractive or talented, so if I want anything out of this world I'd better be very polite and endearing. These are the things I feel right now. Objective truth as best as I can fit it. Bye like

I keep looking at Jackie's xanga, though it just makes me feel like crap. I don't know what I'm looking for, I'm starting to think that my own self-torture is leaking into my subconcience and that I have no means to control it. This is becoming a big problem, and though I know that torturing myself doesn't really get me anywhere, I do it all the time. I'll punish myself, a slap here, a flick there, for any little thought I find dissapealing: "I don't want to have thought that" smack. Then I do it for other reasons, feeling lonely, guilt, anger, hate of my own jealousy, and lack of productivity. Is is good that I have this realized amount of self controll, or is it too much? Should I edge off of hurting myself when I think I deserve it? I asked for willpower at 11:11 today, the willpower I need to do .... I coulnd't come up with anything. I already have willpower, what do I need anymore for? Bye like

I'd like to be quiet but I'll need to be charismatic at this Cross-Country function to that I'll be going to in fifteen minutes. This function is the thing that ties up the season, and I'll have to give a short speech in front of lots of people and pass off the leaf. I don't look forward to it, but I don't dread it like I thought I would. I beat Brian Reel at State, and he made some excuse about how he couldn't breath because he drank too much water before the race. HEHE. Sore loser, I'll always hate him. Anyhow I got 28th and ran a 17:11 for the 5k. It was probably my best time this season, nothing super impressive, yet it was as good as I could do. I really did turn it up for state, and I was pretty happy with myself, at least contented, not devestated like I had been in years passed. Patton and everyone else said I really pushed it, and my dad kept talking about me out sprinting people at the end, when I really got outsprinted by one guy and then in that contest we passed another guy. The trip was boring, but I struggled alot to get along with Brian, and therefore it didn't suck greatly. But after that I was really REALLY not in a good mood. I went out with Matt and Jake and was having a good time at super Walmart until they tried to force me to buy something stupid. Then I just got angry and stayed that way. I tried yelling and being as apsolutely mean as I could like when I went to the park when Ryan was here, oops I didnt' write about that! Tonight I will. Anyhow I think I really did hurt Matt's feelings becuase he keeps trying to convince me that I was trying to hard to be mean that night. I should have just asked him to punch me that night, I would have cheered up on the spot, but instead Evan gave me a ride home. I don't know if Evan likes me or not, but he was very agreeable on the way home, and I thought for awhile "am I drunk?", but I hadn't had anything to drink. Sometimes I just feel that way. Anyhow, after state I didn't run for a day, then ran prety well that week, and now I'm hardly running. A break is in order. I had a quiet day or two at school, one of which I said nothing, and I had a ball. I'm going to continue to silence myself, I just realized how much I hate me talking. I've started painting and drawing more, and it's fun. I have to go. This may be pretty boring. Bye like

My secret feelings don't exist, I'm trying to find that I like someone and have some hope of enjoying a winter romance. I keep telling myself that I like this or that person in hopes that it would stick. Beauty on the outside just isn't enough to keep my attention, though. I feel really held back by the fact that I think Jacklynn might read this. I shouldn't be, so what if she reads this. I thought I could like Savanah for awhile, but I can't really hold a conversation with her, and Kirk keeps bringing up things I'd really like to argue about. Though she does have this smooth face, something about fungus though, and I'm not sure. ... Then I'd feel guilty for Justin, but that's as though one in a million chances were to happen. I'm no catch myself. I also "secretly" am attracted to this girl in the hall. I think she was in my spanish classes in the past, but that girl was goth, and this girl wears bright green leos shirts whenever I notice her. We sometimes have that passing glance into eachother's eyes going on. There's this girl in my ITT academy I like too, she's probably fat and good at covering it up, but she has the most pretty, blemished face I've seen. I think I only like her because she seems to hate everyone in that class. Hm my exact words in my notebook were "your dissaproval and lack of interest are very attractive" when I wrote that I giggled because it seemed so absurd. I look like a dork in that class because I talk to dorky people and study, also I draw alot of really crappy pictures. Once I was talking about a very funny instince in class, where someone offered me the second one of their twix. I didn't realize that no one got the joke so it seemed like I drug out the joke and made it into a very very funny point. I was saying things like "He offered me the second one of his twix, that's the stupidest most idiodic anti-moralistic thing ever" and the people I was talking to were silent. I finally said "It goes against the whole meaning of the twix candy bar, two for me none for you," at which point the entire class (including people I didn't know were listening and the teacher) errupted in laughter. Um where was I? Oh I didn't like all that attention, and I'm sure I looked like a dork becuase of it. But apparently it was very, very funny. Um who else... Oh there's a rich girl that's in almost all of the classes I'm in that I consider alot. I doubt she'd like me enough to actually talk to me, but I think she's pretty, probably because she's quiet. I don't even know her name. Notice I say consider, I have a hard time being blinded by love. I have to actively look for this stuff, and therefore I don't think any of it would ever be real. I think I've lost my ability to have a fling, feel, or get that loss of words thing going on. Good/Bad? I don't know. I'll go with bad, I'd rather not be desensatized. Bye like

I was drawing my cat, and he moved. What was already on paper was pretty good, a cat head in mauve. This cross-country season was my least favorite yet. I think everyone half-assed it except for those of us who care, and of course we got drug down as well. Brian Reel, who I really don't care for, *clears throught* hate, and I are going to state. We get to spend seven hours together on a van to kearney and run seven days of practice together. It's going to be boring. I at least try to make conversation, sometimes, maybe I'll give up. Anyhow I'll hand the leaf down to Brian when I'm done with it, because I think he's the only person who cares. I wasn't a good leader, but I'm sure some people didn't want to be lead. For my summary of this season, because I'm bored of writing about it, :The team sucked, Brian beat me in the end, and I said "god-given I will go to state" and I made it to state with a 14th in our district. Patton says we can medal at state, but we can't medal at state. Oh well, I like to run at least. Bye like

I'm going to go fill a glass of Naked's Blue Machine and drink up. Nevermind I'll settle for some ice cream, my parents are downstairs. The stupid mood thing is missing liberated and lonely. Both words feel me right now. I'd feel good on a swing though. I guess music is close to that feeling. I want that contentness that you get when your driving on gravel roads. I miss having that. It doesn't matter which direction your going, just that your moving fast. I'm not moving in any direction. School- I have an odd scheduale which I generally like because I'm not in school much. I have four classes weekdays at my high school and two classes at ITT (I dropped one) for three hours wensday and thursday each week. I like and don't like ITT. The teachers are terribly unorganized, are real dorks, there are only really dorky people taking this computer academy, and reading about computers is the most boring reading ever. But I do like not going to school, I like the teachers for being dorks, I like that I'm learning something useful, and I like the dorky people in my classes. Jackie made me take European History with her, but then it turned out German was the same period, so she made me take it then ditched me. Being liberated isn't a good feeling, like when your outside the fence and you decide that you shouldn't have jumped it. My knee won't stop moving and I kind of feel like crying. I could force myself into it, by picturing myself sobbing, or I could pretend not to feel it and keep moving my knee. It could be the music I should change it to a more sexually elicit song. bye like

I wrote a really crappy essay about a really crappy book today. I should be studying European History, but I'm not sure what to study and don't really care to. So I'll make a short bit in here to make sure this journal stays here. I obviously wrote in it recently enough to make sure it got transfered to the new site. Andy's life is changing by the moment here, I've began a process of breaking all ties. I'm going to isolate myself until I can figure out what it is I want out of life. Jackie very strongly dissaproves. She won't act on it becuase it seems she's dancing around me at this point in hopes that I'll find I really do love her. This won't happen, even if I did, at this point I want to be suffering anyhow. And I still don't know what love is. Bye like

Last night before I went to be entirely, I let the dog and the cat in, who I had let out much earlier in the night. The dog came running up to me with something hanging out of his mouth. I yelled at him and he dropped it near the door. After I let him in I looked at it. It was a little baby bunny, it's fur torn off around it's midsection, and it's back legs twisted. I could see it's lower body inflate and deflate. The poor thing was still alive. I knew I really only had one choice, but I still feel terrible about it. I took the bunny in plastic bags and laid it on the lawn and smashed it with a rock to put it out of it's misery. I prayed for it. I'm not terribly religious, but I know that I killed something that didn't deserve to die. I'm sorry it had to spend it's last minutes in plastic, I'm sorry I let my dog kill it, I'm sorry I coulnd't comfort it. This was the second bunny I had to kill a week. I broke up with Jackie last friday, the relationship was dying anyway. I didn't care for her like I used to, and she just kept getting more and more desperate. If I didn't break up with her then all the life would eventually be sucked out of the both of us. I ignored her and didn't care, maybe she'll find someone who does care. Maybe she'll be happy again, a happy she doesn't remember. I'm sorry god. I don't treat things here well, but I mean well. Why do all the most beutiful things have to die? Why are the cutest things the most vunerable? Bye like

I forgot my password, and thought that this diary had gotten lost due to the fact that I never use it anymore. I hope to keep a wonderful record of my life with this thing. Maybe one day I should print out all of my journal entries. They make wonderful rememories. I play bass guitar now, and I like it, I'm not obssessed but it's 8 months and I still play it every day (I'm no quitter). So stick it to everyone who thought I'd get bored with a two hundred dollar toy. I'll probably get bored after I buy the 300 dollar bass amp I want. Or maybe I'll float off in a wonderful spiral of fame, sublimity, and drugs. Well we'll see about drugs. This is summer 2006, and I'm enjoying myself as of yet: I don't have a job, half-heartedly. I sort of want one, but I also don't really care. What else should I remember about me in 2006, well I'm having fun with jackie again, it's looking up. We (jackie, me, carrissa, and sara:whom you won't remember) went to linoma, and all those girls got thier purses stolen. I remember trying really hard to care, but I didn't have it in me. It wasn't in an evil way, just a indiffrent way. Um I'm actually taking bass lessons, I'm not sure if it is doing me any good, in fact I'd really rather have a book. Ohhh jackie and all my other ethnic friends, john, and uh ... that's it... got into the racist program at uno, where they get to stay in the dorms for a week, and take a class for five weeks. That was important to this summer. Nothing really exciting has happened, and beside being really pissed from time to time it's all been pretty benign. Hopefully I'll get a job and go buy that bass amp. Bye like

What happened during the lull before I wrote my last few journals and what I actually remember? Here's what happened: These are all the things that happened: All of these things I did or were done to me: Hm me and my two friends decided to make a website and to review parks around omaha, rate them, and put them on the website. So far my friend is really mad because we haven't done anything. I don't think we will, forawhile, which then won't be much. We don't get together often. And when we do it's late and my dad will be like "Andy you can't go driving this late, maybe you could go if you had your own car, you can go anyway, you're not allowed to get a car." But I'm cool with that. Cool. Yes that's a word taht can mean almost anything. I'm goign to overuse it just for today. Maybe not, but that's cool. Let's see I moved my bedroom around a little, my bed is back in the middle of my room. I have a queen sized bed. It's awsome, though it comes at a price, my great grandma used to have it, that's why it's so nice (like $2000), and she's dead now. It's not like she died in it, but it still bothers me. Oh and this bed fell off the truckbed on the highway on the way to Omaha. It has road scars on the bottom. And it has scars from flying over the car behind us who stopped to tell us it flew over her car, but it's cool. Um me and Jackie did alot of things, and she still thinks my parents hate her. Nah if anything my parents would hate me. Even if she was a whore or something. They'd be like Andy how could you take advantage of that poor whore. Luckily she's not a whore, and my parents like me. What did we do. Bell Ringing. LAst night we went shoe shopping for Golashes. Is that right, I could hvae swore a golash was food. Maybe it's a Ganash. Anyhow we were looking for yellow rain boots. That's the only reason I'd go shopping, come on how cute are little yellow boots. We went to a few movies, -Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit which was super good. I saw these floating rabbits nudge each other with thier noses, so I tried that, and Kate hit me. I still get points for it though, becuase she laughed at me. -Chicken little, because she likes that guy from Scrubs. It sucked mostly. Nothing cute or funny about it. I swear with these cartoons today it's a win/lose situation. Some are awsome, and some suck. We um ... did alot of stuff, say Kate if you see this tell me some of the other things we did recently. I just changed her name part way through, but I remembered I wanted to call her Kate here. Oh um AP LAng. and Comp. I need to fill my 70 page notebook about Fredrick Douglas. That's minorly important. I like Economics. It's either Economics or Chemistry for College. I think Economics more so I really like that stuff. SemiSonic is awsome, anyone remember them? "Your shaking my head like an etch eschetch erasin. " Today we went to a thing for Chemistry where we got extra credit, but I wanted to know about Chemistry in college. That field trip turned out miserable, wake up early on a saturday morning, get packed in with a thousand kids in a bus. All of which I hate. And the people that talked, were boring. Even the guy with fire wasn't impressive. I never got to look for the soup my dad talked about. Apparently UNO has really good soup? And we had to eat overly expensive food. Miserable. But then we came home and read Fredrick Douglas. It snowed alot today too. Pretty snow. Bye like

I wrote two replys to people, then they replyed back to me before I got back to my diary. That's creepy, and it happened twice. This is really scarey, think how scary this would be if I was on drugs, think how scary it'd that I do drugs. Oh man I'm really freaked out now. Byel ike