hhhhhi. i'm getting sick of myself, i really am. Now, don't I just sound like a fucking little emo-kid. Yes, I am. I'm sore and tired and complainy and I hate myself today and it's not fun. I want to be stuck in a photograph today I decided. THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY: 1) Neil Blue asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up; I'm an idiot and told him I didn't know and that I didn't even think I would live that long. 2) I've decided to take German (i think) I think I will next year, but, only if Neil tutors me. He is fluent and it may come in handy, but I am unsure. 3) I can do the octapus very well. I am so proud :) 4) Neil Blue also has a crush on me. Sometimes I wish I was a guy, just to have the rights to own a last name. WIth being a girl you don'thave that right, i mean, you get married and it goes away. 5) I got to hang out with Patch and Neil and Stef and Matt and Jason and Mike at lunch It was really cool. I mean, sure, i kept drifting off with the guys, but who cares. And that New Mike is really tall. He made me think that he had no fingers, and I got all freaked out. I really wonder WHY he did that. Because,I mean, if you SHAKE someone's hand, you don't hide a finger in your jacket. [asshole] Everyone thinks he is so gosh darn dandy cute. Okay, he KIND OF is, but I'm not one to judge on the looks. His eyes remind me of my Mike's. If they're that color and such, but who knows? Not me! I stole Pizza from David Miller and ran out side to Kelsi and we sand one lyric of Marilyn Manson's. Then raced back inside, Jived with Neil [the boy who likes me...dot dot dot] and almost broke a table at the end of lunch. 6) New revelations about Tyler McGregor's penis. I have known that child since kindergarden. Literally, i remember when he used to come to school and I was standing there with Anne, and he's kind of drop his pants, revealing a little tiny penis. I have been SCARRED. He'd pee on Calvin's jacket, latch himself onto me, kick me on the swings, then I would get my tom-boy butt in gear and kick his ass with sand and pennies. You betcha. I rocked HIS socks off. But that's nothing new. I keep bugging him about it all the time at school now. I think it's funny. But he doesn't so much. 7) Paper, Jamie hug fees/ Yes, Paper, Jamie hug fees. He owes me about 100000000 hugs, because I give him paper every science class. That greedy bastard, i hope he recycles that paper, MY paper, that he wastes. I mean, he kills trees heartlessly and then I realise I have no paper to doodle. which is murder. I say, MURDER. Very much so. He'd better pay up. Good fun talking to him to. This girl Jyssica or how ever you spell it, had to break up with her boy friend because he wanted nude pictures of her. Then we [Jamie and I, not the pervert boyfriend] got in this huge conversation about dating habits and people these days. HE is a brain, and I could feel his brain power leeching into me when I was writing the math term today, he sits behind me don'cha know. 8) Vermillion pt II Kandice says she loves that song, too too much, because it reminds her of me. I think, it reminds me of myself. Although pt I is more suiting because last year when Mom and I fought a lot I would always listen to it on the way home, becuase it would open up this.. valve inside of me, and let all of my anger and tears and things out. Which is why I didn't cry a lot last year. But, LAST YEAR, i was in the basement, and Last year, I had pretty black hair. None of it would've changed if she hadn't read my fucking journals. It's too hard to be what you want, and I can't go back to what I was. I'm thinking it would be too hard, I can't scream like I used to, falling into my pillow scream-crying until my throat hurt. Or, just falling asleep with my stereo playing. I can't do that anymore, because my wall are paper thin, and Mom and Landon would hear it, then get all mad in the morning and bite my head off. I miss being able to sleep until noon, because the sun wouldn't stream through the blinds and no one would bother me with the noises. And could sit and read in my room for hours, in my Pjs, and not know the time, letting it pass away, and not be bugged at all. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one morning, listening to the radio, not knowing i was really depressed because i was used to it, and listening to that song; "bother" by Stone Sour. I really liked that song, and in sewing class, I would wait for it to come onto the radio, and I would just close my eyes and pretend that Corey Taylor was singing about me. Then, I could enter this vanilla dream when I sat beside Jamie because he always smelt like vanilla. It was his lotion. What else do I remember? I think I could go on for awhile just thinking about it. All my attention and energy is being used up on this dumb entry full of my feeling and false happiness that is at the beginning. I am not happy, and must try and make a conversation with my lover, because I am too wrapped up in myself at the moment, and too tired, and sad and I just want to sit one of these evenings, and not have to say anything to anyone (it takes too much work), and think. I haven't had any time to think in a long time. about anything either, school, jobs, farewell, Mike, friends, myself. Although, I don't need to thnk about myself anymore, I mean, i hurt it, but i'm too concided, everythings always about me. I need to depend on someone too! Don't get me wrong, I love looking out for Mike and Kagura and Kandice and being Roxy's bitch toy, Sarah's shared anger person, but I just need something for me once in awhile. Not grades, or accomplishments, I just need this comfort or love or strength. The kind that Witch Baby needed. I'm glad she found her Angel Juan... :)