Things are awfully weird now. I had an extended lunch with Laurel, because its the last day of school, so i didn't mind missing a bit of math. We walked around the mall and met up with some lesbians. I feel somewhat akward being the only straight girl there, but again; like shealyn had said: "I'm ment to be a lesbian." Apparently. Things are just honeslty WEIRD now. I've actually done Christmas shopping and have gotten no feeling out of the giving season like I usually had. I mean, sure Kelsi SEEMED happen when i gave her that box, but she wasn't. Kandice is gone. Totally replaced. and It's somewhat my fault, i know she was trying to be happy when i gave her, her Birthday/Xmas gift, but she wasn't. She wanted to forget me and everything, just like everyone else had. She wants to live in laughter with Amy and totally fucking stoned out of her head/heart. Whatever happens now, can't compare to before, at all. Not one bit. Before it was all juvinile standards, too strong angst and not knowing anyone so fucked up as the people I do now. Josh is dying. I can't get around that. I keep thinking in the back of my head that he really will be okay and it's just a drug relapse. I'm waiting for something drastic like this to happen, to bring me back into real life without such apathy that i have now from all those fucking diseases I(we) inhale. WHether it be a common drug, like smoking or pot or something. I almost want him to die. IT's just... different now. When he dies, I won't know it, i won't believe it. I can't have it. He's watched me this whole fucking time, telling me that I can't end up like him. That i just fucking can't. and That's the horrible part, I am him. It's like pieces of someone finally found again, in eachother especially. I remember when I sat outside of Vonn's house, and he was just watching me and he laughs at tragedy the way I do. I really love that. I love when people are crying or confiding into someone and I smile, because it shows that they really do care about certain things. Being a person, we can never be too sure about this stuff. Being a human, it's just too fucked. I hate the wrongness of it. Despite the hate and everything we are all still the same people. We become drastic and left and it's just stupid. "Have a Merry Christmas." I love the way you smile at me. It's like you've known all this time about my death and subconsious thought. It's too easy knowing you, even if it is out of laughter and simple joking hatred. I still need you. : ( I don't know how to replace myself like anyone else. I really am quitting smoking because my body is scaring me. It's reacting. again; I don't know how to replace myself. I finished off my notebook 6 pages early. I'm giving up on it. and I'll just have to depend on my fleeting memory from now on. I don't want to write anymore. and I don't want to remember anymore, And i just want things to change. I don't want to leave like I used to, i just cant. It's easier to live through this, all of it, and just pretend its okay, let people know for once whats going on. Whether it be secretly or whatever. I still have to as him if he'll take it over break or not. I hope he knows it's all repetiton like Kiefer did. I mean he wouldn't take them. He wanted me to burn them instead of him having it collect dust. I made it for him&Taylor. The two main figures at the point of all of my addictions. and then they all just disappeared. Halloween was when Kiefer and I said goodbye to eachother. And we both knew it was the last time we were going to talk. It's kind of sad actually, because I don't remember what he said to me at all; cept something about keeping safe, but even then that's not it. I know not. And I can't explain it. at all. It's like I miss him, I do, but he's too different and 'in love' with Shauna. She's happy. :) The kind he needs. Ive been writing a lot about Josh and Kiefer lately, and for a reason I don't know. School's almost over, and I need to give Kristov his card before the day is out. We may spend New Years together, and if i'm lucky... I'll get to start over and be someone different. LET GO of what happened in 2005, unlike what I had tried to do in 2004. Maybe a token of affection too. I hope. But who knows. It may not even happen. I just want to start/spend new years away from home and what i know and what just hangs etc. It's too.. stupid now. EVERYTHING IS. and I really can't get over that. Not one bit.