June 29th, 205-Wednesday-All You Want Is The World To Bleed (Atreyu) God...I can't take this shit in life anymore. This morning, I woke up really hyper and in a great mood. I was in a good mood all day. I was researching and taking notes on Wicca and have been getting along with my brothers (for once) while my mom was at work and school. I was even okay when my mom and Amanda got home. It was on the ride to Bill's (my councilor) that I "started to become a bitch". My mom stopped at Roland's (a friend of hers) and the s*** hit the fan. Amanda has been SUCH a brat to me for the past....about the past month really. So I am not taking her talking back and attitude anymore. So she started to become a brat to me while my mom wasn't in the car so I started to get bitchy. She shut up when my mom got back in the care. Then we stopped at CVS. Mom and Eric went inside while Amanda, Andrew, and I stayed. Amanda started whining and crying because she couldn't go in. So I told her to stop and she was back to being a brat. Andrew calmed her down for me (thank god) but then she told me she wasn't going to talk to me, then she said she didn't like me. So I told her good, I don't want her to like me, I don't want anyone to like me, I actually want everyone to hate me so when I die no one will care. So she said she hated me and that I was dumb and ugly and a hole bunch of other things. So I told her I wasn't going to talk to her anymore so she kept calling me names. So after the past couple of weeks that I had, this kind of hurt....her saying she hated me. I can't stand when someone tells me they hate me, especially when I love them (take Brandi for example) so yeah...But I guess I kind of asked for it. Anyways...then we got to Bill's and I talked to him about some things (a lot-almost everything) that has been on my mind since school ended and I was feeling better because I was getting feedback from someone, not an attitude from my mother and sister and not being made fun of by my brothers, and it wasn't in my head (meaning me pondering on it) with all my bad thoughts. Then I come out of his office and try to talk to my mom and that doesn't effing work. She gives me an effing attitude (as always) so I went out to the car to wait till we left. Ever since school ended (and by the way-I missed the last day-lol), I haven't slept, like at all and I have been really agitated and easily irritated. So me and my mom have been fighting and me and my sister have been fighting. So I sit on the computer in my living room all day and type up things and read my Pagan books and take notes and I am learning, lol. So that way, I am not paying any attention to anyone so me and other people don't fight. God, I just have so many things on my mind lately. Here is a list: college, Rites friends, Cai and boyfriends, money, jobs, Andy, Alex, school, Bob and Carrie, my family, my eating, my sleeping, Magick, my summer, my future, old friends, Brandi, house bills, my past, jewelry making, court and Joel, and others that I can't think of right now. Later: Okay, so, wow, We got home a little while ago and....my mom wants me to call Carrie and see if she can meet her half way so I can go to NY sooner. That is good yet bad at the same time. This means that the plans I have made with Andy are ruined. We had a day that we were going to hang out, all day, just the two of us. Kind of like a goodbye day from him. We were going to our favourite spot and kind of have a picnic and hang out. It was going to be July 13th. But now...if I leave early....I can't. I was also trying to get some people to come out B4 I go because it will probably be the last time I could see either of them in a REALLY long time. I hope they can come up...I need to see them both...soon. In a year, I am going to be moving out of the house. So in the time of one year, I have to have a car, money, be accepted into a college, have my license, confidence, have somewhere to live, and oh yeah, MONEY!!! Arland Tool, the place where I had an interview for the job as a collaboration technician...well, it has been a week since the interview and he still hasn't called e back, so I have to call him tomorrow. I probably didn't get the job. And when I do get a job, most of the money (probably all of it) to my mom. She told me and my brothers that we have to get a job to help pay for the bills, errr, In hate growing up with no money. My family has NEVER had money. wait, I lied, we did when we moved from GA to MA. From 2001-2003, we had a lot of money...but no, my mom was depressed so much that she went out drinking almost every night and wasted it all. She bought shit we NEVER used and shit we didn't need so yeah, we are back to living with no money, always in fear of having something turned off, like right now, if my mom doesn't pay 400 and somhat we have to get a job to help pay for the bills, errr, In hate growing up with no money. My family has NEVER had money. wait, I lied, we did when we moved from GA’t I just move on? I mean, take Brandi for example. She said she could never hate me, that she would always care for me and be there for me. And I really cared for her, I even started to like her (she doesn’t know that) and then I screwed up (yet again)So now she hates me, wishes I was died, yet...I still care about her, I still wish I could be friends with her, wish she would stop cutting, I hope that her life gets better, etc, ya know... Why can’t I just move on with some things? I mean, I deserve what happened, and I know that I am not the only one with a bad past that they want to change or forget and I know there are others who have it WAY worse than I do...but they seem to have the patience for it...I don’t. I just wish that when I go to sleep at night that I could forget everything that happened during the day, that way I can’t look back at bad memories and wish they never happened and also so I can’t remember the good memories and wish they were still the present. Okay, I am going to try to focus on the positive things right now, lol. Ummm, I woke up in a really good mood this morning. I have a great friend named Andy. He is SO sweet. He has helped me every time I ran from my house. He is the only person that I can tell everything to and he understands me. He has helped me when no one else would even look at me. He is the only person here for me, the only person that can give me a really hug when I need it, the only person that seems to care about me here. I mean, I have friends, but not like him. The only other person (people really) that I feel this strong of a connection with is Bob and Carrie and the Guillemette and Greenwood family. Because I have known them for so long. Of yeah, and Jeff. I can tell him anything to. I think I have known him for about 6-7 years now. He is SO wonderful. Also, all the friends I have made at Rites, they are different. They understand me (most of the time) and they truly care aout me. They don't try to get to know me just so I can be another piece of a** in their book. That is another reason why I don't like the guys and most girls at my school. Everyone is into way too much sex and way too many drugs. And I am not pretty enough to be with the "cool" kids (or have enough money). Okay, focus on the good things Kimba, focus on the good things! lol. Good Night! :) June 30th, 2005-Thursday-As Each Day Dies (Atreyu) Bruce (my mom's new "friend") is coming over today. I woke up in another good mood. Which is good. I actually got to sleep last night. It was good. And I had the WEIRDEST dream EVER, lol. Not going to explain it but it involved tons of people that I know and others I don't, lol. It was fun... ::devilish smile:: lol. Okay, I just got off the phone with Bob and he is going to have Carrie call me back when she gets home. He said that we all can arrange something so I can go earlier. I am glad that I am leaving. I will have a job once I get up there and I have friends and I can actually do things. They honestly don't care what I do as long as they know where I am...well almost anything, lol. Like, I probably couldn't go on a sex rage or go do tons of drugs, lol. But I can go to a friends house till like one in the morning and they are okay bc they TRUST ME! Unlike my mom. She said she was giving me more freedom and she did for....a week. Then it went right back to, no you can't do anything ever...no life fo you! lol. Oh yeah, and I TOTALLY forgot to write in my last entry (not yesterday) that sometime during that week Sean called me! I wasn't able to talk long but I was SO happy to here from him, he is MEGA sweet! He is a very nice person and a great friend. My brother (Eric) has his birthday on July 5th. I have no money (because my mom took the last of it from my bank account) so I can't get him anything. He is turning 12, yehaw! lol. Lately we have been getting along more than ever. I think it is because he is getting to know me better. Like he realized that I am into video games (some) and that since he watches G-4 TV everyday I watch it with him while I am on the computer typing. So me and him talked more and we actually have things in common. It is cool. We still fight and all but....hey, that is normal. lol. I also called Shelby. She is such a sweetie. I really like her (not like that). She helped me on Halloween. The night I cut, I would have done a lot more if she wasn't there talking me out of it. She is very cool. She might be able to come over tomorrow, I just have to ask my mom. My mom will like her. I think my mom would like all my friend if they would just stop making back first impressions, lol. My friends (every single once she has met) has made a rather bad first impression. I mean, she know loves Andy and Alex because they came over a lot and changed that impression but...they still didn't seem like friend worthy people at first to her, lol. Anyways, I hope she can come over. So yeah, back to my list from yesterday. I have three colleges in mind that I want to go to, but I am not smart enough to get into any of them. It sucks really. I want to go to UMass Amherst, Cazenovia, or some where in Boston. UMass is a great school (so it seems) and I know a couple of people there and my friends Nicci and Jen are going there. It is also close to North Hampton. That town is SO cool! Cazenovia is where my friend Dusten lives and it would be close to Bob and Carrie. They helped me a lot in these past couple of years. And I LOVE Boston SO much! Boston is a lot of fun! But I don’t know of any colleges in Boston that have Interior Design as a major (but I bet there is one-matter of just finding it) and I don't know if UMass has it as a major, but Cazenovia does. But if I do get accepted to one of them, I don't really have much for money, I mean I have 30-40 thousand in the bank for college from my grandfather (he left it in his will for me-my 2 brothers also have one) and I get it once I turn 18 (61/2 months left!). But yeah, I am going to just try to have a positive out look on all of this. I hope I get into a Boston college, that would be awesome! I miss all my friends from Rites. I wish I could see them and talk to them more. They are all so wonderful and special to me. I wish that Rites was longer really, lol. That way I could talk with them for longer than 3-6 days. Ehh, but I am glad that I met them all. Almost every single one of them have helped me either change the way I look at things, the way I feel about myself, and also stopped me from doing something REALLY stupid :). I thank every single one of them! And I also love them with all the little broken pieces of my black heart...lol, okay, so it isn't that dead yet, lol. But I still love you all! I really wish I could see Cai more, or talk to him more. I really like him and I care about him. I want to know how he is doing. I also want to know how everyone else is doing too. I wish that I could find someone around here, closer to me, that cared about me the way he does. Not that I want to replace him or anything, I just want someone to hug me when I need a hug (other than Andy-lol), and I want to lie down with someone and fall sleep with him/her at my side. I LOVE lying down and sleeping with people, it is SO comforting! Wouldn't you agree? lol. And I love to cuddle with someone with out them being like seriously turned on and want to fuck or do anything. lol, s that to much to ask for from a guy? No, not all, I did that with some guys and they didn't do anything, lol...even thought they might have wanted to, lol. But that is okay, people are comfortable. Yes, I am in a much better mood, but that is because my mom isn't home yet, lol. I need a job really bad, well I just need money, lol. But to have money I need a job...does any one want to buy my soul...or body, lol, just kiddin yall. But I have to call Dave (at Arland Tool) around 2:30 today to see if I can still have the job when I come back from NY. AAARRRRHHHHGGG! Yes yall, I am a pirate, lol. I just hate how our life is ran by money and looks. This world sucks, a lot, lol. Well, I did a spell for my friend Andy and it seems to have helped him. Things, opportunities, seem to be coming his way. His mother is lightening up a bit and letting him have fun during his summer, and he is more calm and relaxed. He thanked me for doing it for him, lol, yay, I helped someone! He is such a sweetheart. He has been there for me when NO one else has, and I owe him so much, lol. Him and his parents took me in when I was kicked out of my house, so ya know, he is my Family Man (looong inside joke-lol). I made him a hemp bracelet. It is black with a silver bead. It was suppose to have to, but then I just forgot to put the other one on, lol. I also made a hemp necklace for myself. It is cool I guess, I put this charm on it that I got at my second Rites. It is cool, nothing special but I carried it around in my pocket the whole time so it has a ton of energy in it. So I put it on my necklace, it matches with the colour of the hemp, lol. I like it! You would rather bleed than be without her"-Atreyu "It's so hard to see you when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head It's even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong"-Atreyu I fucking LOVE Atreyu! I love emo/punk/scremo/rock music. They are my favourite kinds of music. And metal, lol. Death metal, rap metal, love metal (HIM Kicks A**!!!)! lol, I don't think I can live without music. Oh yeah, I also love indie punk and indie rock, etc. Okay, so me and Alex's friendship seems to be kind of breaking up and it hurts...a lot. Me and him have been through so much together. Before me and Andy started to hang out more again, it as me and Alex doing everything together. But then when I got back from Rites, he changed a bit, I mean so did I (so said everyone) and he didn't like it (not very many did) but I like how I have changed (if I even changed) but I don't know, I seem to be ruining this friendship of ours. Well from what he is saying and the way he is saying it, it seems as though it is all my fault. But I mean who likes to be talked about behind their back and called rude things? I know I don't. He said that I was a heart breaker, wtf? I mean, yeah I have hurt people but I don’t do it on purpose and I don’t lead guys (or girls) on. People take me giving them hugs as, “Oh she likes me” and that isn’t it. But mostly, the people I am leading on are freshman, lol, and...eww. They are all SO annoying! They drive me effing crazy...some of them are my friends though. I don’t mean to lead people on, I tell everyone that in my hugs is only friendship and they say they understand. When I hug them they seem fine with it. But Alex says that they think it is more. Andy agrees with me, Alex is turning into a jerk. He was going out with Shelby (I mentioned her earlier) and for a month before they went out, he was like, “oh I like her SO much, I hope we can go out”, and they do and in the matter of a week, he is like “oh, I don’t like her anymore. We were kissing and I started to unbutton her pants and she flipped. That is dumb” I was like, OH COURSE SHE FLIPPED! This was their first time doing anything and she is going to be a ninth grader and he is about to be a junior! She is still not sure about things ya know, that is NO reason to dumb someone that a week ago you were obsessed with! Okay, getting off the subject of Alex before I start saying to much...lol. Ahh, school sucks! I hate high school really. I need to get the hell out of this school! Too many drugs. I hate drugs...most of them...They have such bad side effects. And the people here (most of them) suck too, lol. I don’t know, I am just tired of it, tired of it all. Rumors, bois, girls, grades, teachers, rules, work, etc. Some (most) of it is inevitable, I know this, but the rumors...I want them to all just...disappear. “As the stars fall right out of the sky”-Atreyu Yeah, I REALLY like them, perfect emo/depressed quotes in their lyrics! Bob and Carrie... They are SO wonderful. And I tell them this all the time, lol. I talked to Bob on the phone today. I miss him! I have known him since I was 6 and I met Carrie after they got married, I think I was about 14. And me and her clicked SO well, we are perfect for each other really, lol, we are GREAT friends. She has taught me so many things about different religions. That is why I am Pagan. I knew Bob was a Witch but I didn’t Carrie was. And before I moved in with them the first time, I was started to get REALLY into Witchcraft, I thought it was really fascinating. And I moved in with them and I finafter they got married, I think I was about 14. And me and her clicked SO well, we are perfect for each other really, lol, we are GREAT friends. She has taught me so many things about different religions. That is why I am Pagan. I knew Bob was a Witch ˆöþ’t what to push it with my mom. When I turn 18, I am getting my eyebrow pierced and possible my first tattoo. I am getting my grandfathers name in Thai on my left upper arm with his years under it. I miss him... I love piercings! And tattoos, I want to get two eyebrow rings on my right eyebrow and three on my left! I also want to get my nose pierced. And I want to get a fearie on my left shoulder blade. She is going to be sitting on a crescent moon with long brown wavy hair and totally naked, lol. And I also want a fearie on my right shoulder. A fiery looking fearie. A lot of red and orange, bright colours! And I want to get a star on my wrist with the beginning of each of my siblings names and an A for my mom in the corners. A K A E A. up, and I also want a pentacle on either my ankle or my other wrist. Yeah, I love tattoos, probably wont get them al but ehh, I can wish right, lol. I just hate needles...and they effing HURT! lol. I tried to give myself one but yeah, that was stupid. lol. Fuckin A! I am allergic to my belts, this SUCKS because I wear tank tops or belly shirts to when I sit down, my belt rubs against my stomach so I get all itchy under my belly button, lol. It really does suck. I was wearing the pentacle necklace that Mica gave me to bed and now I have this circle of itchy-ness on my chest, lol. Right in the middle, like under my boobs, lol, IT SUCKS EVEN MORE! lol. I also had a watch that wasn’t silver and I slept with it on and when I woke up the next morning, I had a ring around my wrist that was mega itchy! Haha, my eating, I honestly think I have an eating problem. Not a disorder...but a problem. I am the kind of person that can starve herself (almost) for about a week or two and then eat a lot for a couple of days and then go back to eating nothing. But ever since I got back from Rites, I have been eating WAY too much! So I am purposely...umm, not starving myself...but stopping myself from eating. Like I am normally constantly hungry. So for the past could of days, I have been following a plan...diet if you will, lol. I won’t eat until three hours after I wake up and then about five hours after that. A snack here and there but that is it. I don’t think this is so horrible, it is better than eating like I was...it was pretty bad. Like, I love food and I am not anorexic. So this plan is okay...isn’t it? hmmm, feedback on that one please. Relient K is really good too, yall should check them out, great band. Tony Touch-Good Spanish reggae, gotta love my heritage. lol, I love spanish music, it is fun to dance to...when I actually dance, lmao! I am also not really sleeping, well I did last night and kind of the night before that. But like, since school ended...actually, I think it is since Rites, I haven’t really been sleeping. I think it is just the heat. I mean I have always had a sleeping problem. But lately I wake up, roll over and can’t go back to sleep, I just keep moving, it sucks. I hate not being able to sleep, I love sleep. I love to dream, the only place where I can be me, no one hates me, and things I want to happen...happens, lol. Like my weird dream last night, lol. That (not sleeping) might be why I am so agitated all the time. Because I am tired. But when I go to bed, I can’t fall asleep till like an hour or two later. I hate it. Ahhh, and my summer is going to be okay. I am going to be with Bob and Carrie. And the Guillemette and Greenwood family just moved down the street from them last weekend on Sat. That is cool. I get to see them more often now, I miss them. They are my second family really. I have known them since I was in second grade. They have helped us when we had no where to live. I lived with them for about...almost a year, it is very cool. I wish I could get over Brandi. Seeing her, reading her journal, hearing about her, it is all killing me. I don’t know why I can’t just get over it. Some days I am like ehhh, her lose, but most days I am like, I wish we were still friends. I mean after all the bulls*** she says about me in her journal I should hate her, any normal person would right? lol, but no, it is me, I can’t forget her. She can forget my that easy, but for me, I tend to latch onto people and I just...can’t let go. I kind of have, after everything that people have been saying, and it all has been helping but for some reason there is still...that little something, ya know? But it will pass in time. I just can’t beat myself up for it. EERRR!!!! I need money! I need to pay off all this house BULLS***! Yeah, basically I help run this house, but right now I don’t have anymore money so I can’t really help out right now. This is the main reason why I need a job so bad, so we don’t get kicked out of where we live again. Yeah, we were kicked out before. For a little over 6 months when I was in like...kindergarten, we (my mom, me and my brother Andrew) lived in a shelter and everything we had, we didn’t own. I know what it is like to have nothing, : / Okay, I am NOT getting into my past, lol. Well, When my mom and I went to court on the 20th, there was a second date of court. august fourth. But I don’t have to go this time, thank god. But Joel moved to NY with the Guillemette and Greenwood family. I don’t want to see him at all. But if I want to see Zach and Trey, I will be around him. I mean, I don’t mind being around him but I am not going to touch him, and if he says one more thing about my mom, I will have the biggest urge to hit him. My mom has...a bad choice in men, lets put it at that. And this one guy didn’t understand what get out was. So, one night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mom was telling him to leave and he wouldn’t listen and he kept trying to grab my mom so I grabbed a knife, pointed it at him and told him that he has 10 seconds to get out of the house or I will hurt him and he looked at me and I started counting and he left. Yeah, I am a bit over protective of my family :/ But I can’t help it, we may not get along very well but if anyone says anything about my family, I turn into a whole different Kim. Wow, I keep saying shit about my past, lol, I am sorry. The humidity is killing me! My hair is SO frizzy! When my hair is up (which it always is now) my hair is kind of curly at the front. So my hair is mega frizzy. So yeah, since my last entry, nothing has been happening. I missed the last day of school because I never got out of bed. Well, actually, I got up to turn off my alarm but then went back to bed. lol, I was about to get up again buuut, I didn’t, lol. And besides that, nothing wonderful happened. OMG! This is a REALLY long entry. I am SO sorry, if anyone reads the WHOLE thing, like word for word, please comment and tell me because...wow, lol, that would be pretty cool. I have been typing this at my house, putting it on a disk and then putting it here, lol. But this is what has been on my mind for the past month and a half. And a lot of people on both of my websites have been wanting to know how I feel and what I have been up to. So yeah, this might get longer by the end of the night, I don’t know, lol. Peace Out My Lovely Ones!