so this is myself...typing my entry in keyboarding class. and this is myself..reading naproxenslut..diary of before and most of sophomore year. and this is myself...obsessing over past experiences..and this is myself..not understanding myself in present day. how i got myself into situation z. that is what i will call it. situation z. i couldn't write in this until i had finished catching up on my written past, so i have finished that..now i can create a written future. or should i say a different written past? it really doesnt matter. situation z is a bad one. i have never gotten myself into a situation z before. i am older and wiser..but yet i get myself into a situation z. a situation z is more probable to younger people around ages 12 to 15. Only because of the lesser experiences in situations that are related to situation z...which we will call situation s. situation s is a situation i do not mind being in..and it has always worked out for me so far that i have been just dandy in my situation s. but this time....it is becoming more and more apparent each day that i am in situation z. i don't want to be in situation z..but even when i am out of situation z...there will be no situation s and i will be scared from that point on that what i think is situation s will turn into a situation z. so now i just have these situation z thoughts lurking around my head like a zillion little ants plunging into the infinance that is my mind. and that is my story. rugged malfunctions of the heart and brain can cause some pretty infectuous problems within the body.

maybe this is what happens when your life becomes engulfed in happy psuedo-loving fools. nothing. nothing. nothing. almost exactly is, is exactly how almost exactly feels. because exactly coming in to contact with inaccuracy is the perfect formula for love. right? right?

fantastic to be back in the land that no one can touch. my words are black and i realize that but they are so lifeless without exalting my emphasis on them. tone is so much more expressive than color sometimes.

evil is in everybody's heart and when the evil comes out, its so hard to forgive...even with the good glowing around after... i cant forgive that person. i cant speak or see him. he is disgusting.

yesterday i realized that i only want to do what i want to do. it's a strange revelation if you think about it. this means im lazy. in our society, i am lazy. its bad. i only do what i want to do. so i'm a horrible person. but i don't really feel this way about myself. in fact the muscles inside of my stomach are sore from laughing so much. laughing so much from doing only what i want to do.

world, i dispise you. and what i feel is nothingness because nothingness is all i should be allowed to feel. emotions are a benefit only to those who can handle them. not me...not me who wants to cut herself into pieces because i find out truth. and fuck caring. fuck caring about anyone. fuck fuck fuck. i dont feel anything. thats what i have to practice..not feeling.

my sleeping is important to me. because its vanity. its my vanity. its a strange escape but not really because sometimes i wake up breathing really hard like im dying..because of a dream that came across. im afraid of spreading everything everywhere. like my eyes....are only cells waiting to be infected..to become blind and dysfunctional. im drunk. somehow. maybe just really buzzed. but...im alone. so maybe i should go to sleep.

i have been choosing candy to put in eggs. in which i am to eat. tomorrow. hahahahaha

pseudo wave of malificent happy emotions pulling at the tips of my molecules. my skin and hair molecules. it almost turns into an irritation, but the kind that gets good sometimes and sometimes you think its a tumor in your brain. and sometimes you just let yourself chill out.

i am listening to pink floyd and somehow reconciling in my head memories of freshman year. i miss it. because freshman year to me...is exhilerating. it gives me a feeling of new. myself, my life is being reconstructed and everything is so, so good. amazing, even. and i dont have that feeling anymore. because all the new, is old. what i truly miss...is that feeling of momentum and extreme serenity when something wonderful is in the making. its invigorating. what started this whole mess....was remembering the boy who used to walk around the school when i was a freshman and wear a pink floyd shirt. i miss being just beginning... i dont like being old and used to. but he was a senior. and i miss the juniors and seniors who went to school with me....i feel like every grade that graduates i get more and more alone. my high school experience..involves everyone that was there with me my freshman year. now i just want to move on...it won't come back. i've given up on that. but i want that feeling back...and i need to graduate and do new things and start that amazingness back up again. you are buttermilk. craisins and rasberries are god. and i am infiltrated. but what does that mean? what? que?

i just want to hit his fucking head with a plate. i also want to punch a different his hand repetitively until i have let out so much anger that i break out in hug. i want this sting to go away. and i talked about how it does. but then i thought, and realized it didnt..i just forgot some things for a little while. its 5 49 am.

i freak out. im crazy.

i had a panic attack today. then i went home and watched i heart huckabees and everything was okay again. i was everything and everyone and everything and everyone was me.

school is an insitution with purpose i am not sure of. i think everybody is against me. literally. and i think people think things about me that im sure never crossed their mind. because. im over analytical. and im classified like that. and i take situations and let them bother me. get into my nervous system. little things. insignificant things. i think about how they affect peoples perceptions of me. or themselves. or life in general. and it doesnt really matter anyway. but school. school i just cant figure it out. its said to be a so-called "right" or "privilege". but i privilege is not something you are forced to do. by definition, a privilege should really be optional. and it does give us more options. but really only option that fit under categories all in the general idea to help promote our economy or government in some way. no matter what i do im a beneficial part of this capitalist society. that sucks. but i think that these institutions called schools. are deindividualizers. they take individualism out of indivisuality. in every way possible. they group us together. the teenagers that go to high school. and we do this and that. and we all fit in with eachother. because, look at us. all the same. when theres 2000 of us together its real easy to group us as one. and the fact that they dare make it a requirment to learn. to... learn about extreme things such as the philosophy of being an individual. schools are actually promoting being a anti conformist. but yet they have dress codes and rules and are completely conforming institions. its a ridiculous contradiction.i dont know what to think about it. and by teaching the principles of being an individual, you are making the word an impossible goal to accomplish. i hate fitting in with others. and i think its extremely strange how one group of people tried their hardest to fit in as much as possible and another group of people does as much as possible to stand out, but usually ending in a failed attempt because they fit in with the other people like themselves. either way, both groups do this with the same goal in mind. to find some kind of identity. humans love to classify, and humans love identification. i'm even doing it right now. it would be almost impossible not to. i dont know what makes people different from one another. how they act, what they do, what they say. is that what makes a personality? but many things in all of those categories are similar to one another. so what is it, that makes us different? nothing. i dont feel as if all of my friends are the same. but it really scares me to think that they are. and i am. especially that i am. i dont like name brands. or mass production. or the teaching of individuality in school. i hate control. controlled environments. they drive me crazy because i am so fearful of being the same. of everyone being the same.

why things like flowers hanging on the wall hold so much value to me i'm not sure. and the value they hold isnt even really sentimental. not the moment that i got them, or the moment that they appeared in. but moreso the fact that they have been through everything that has happened in the room where they hang. they are a symbol of time, and everything that i would like to happen again. these flowers are 6 years old. and they've been here with me through everything in the past 6 years. but time only started a few years ago at most. its hard to think about being happy without ian. i was. its hard ot think about not being in love with him. but i wasnt. i didnt even know him. i was fine. and i cant say what i feel anymore. i can just hold back tears when hes in my radius. we arent close anymore. and he doesnt deny anything that i say. my life is a tv screen. because im not sure. what to do. about all this. if i just dont think about it, i can pretend theres nothing wrong. but the ultimate goal is to think of it and not want it, of course. and i like other people. i feel attractions to people because im human and thats what humans do. but relationships are unhealthy especially in the state i am in. not that if one came across me i would definitely say no. i dont know what to do. its like, everything, everyone, everything around me is a chance to get together with someone. i dont see why we should always be searching for that, to be with someone, to love someone "like that", to be loved "like that", even if just for one second of time. i would love to be happy on my own. the idea of falling in love like i did before seems so nice. but it wont ever be the same. not after being hurt like this. i will be more cautious. which makes it less fun. scared to give myself. i was already scared to give myself. i did get fucked over though. wheres it going to go, nowhere. people are always positive about it when its happening. but after its gone it never seems worth it. all i want is to go back in time a few years. just go back to the beginning. to have that feeling one more time. because im not sure its ever going to come back. it wont be the same if its not him, and its not the first time feeling it. im not okay.

blep belp blep blep blep belp . im in a coma. a coma. dont have much to say, just giving in to the pressures of having an online diary. gota keep it up! im so lazy. and i really want something i cant have. this sucks.

i do lie because i want moments to be better then they really are. oh please please. do fucked up things. fucked up. fucked up. you are so fucked up. and i want other things too and im sweaty and jittery sometimes too. and i munch into living organisms that come from the kingdom plantae and my stomach and intestines digest them into a gross piece of matter. im disgusting, and human. and so fucked up. and i do release matter made of H2O and NACl. and then i talk about those 2 compounds in chemistry class, everyday. let me tell you, im so fucked up. SO fucked up.

i miss being in love. i hate being in love, when the love isnt returned. all it think about is love these days. im much different.

i can imagine going back in time. and i would think about what that would bring back, besides just the moment that i want. a million things, a million moments...over again. i can imagine going back in time and telling a certain individual fuck you! fuck you for giving me all this and taking it away.. but its certainly good that i never did say that..because everything would be different. i can imagine going back in time and fixing something. never saying it, never doing it.... never thinking it. asking why, what, what do you want from me? fuck you for taking everything away. i just wonder what people would think of their future. you wont care for me. like you do now. you wont. why should i even bother? but moments would be ruined. so i'll just keep it in my subconscious.

let me tell you about how i have nothing to say. i feel. i feel i feel so i should be happy. but im human as well...so i can't really appreciate things to their full value. i miss things. i miss alot of things that i used to have and i hate things that i have now. i don't want anyone to give me too much trouble about decisions that i make with my life, especially those anyones that havent earned any respect in my eyes. its a default of mine to be upset, then to be numb, then to fall asleep. and the changes that have come about within me have only made me worse. worse and worse...situations always suck. i would love to be in the company of anyone who has similar feelings. and im insecure about being alone, and i fucked friend security up with someone. people feel things they dont share. i did not look at my grandmothers dead body. it seemed weird to me, my family all laughing and socializing..just all standing around by he dead body. they all say it looked just like her. i don't know if i can believe that. now shes buried in a hole...her body is probably still in good shape but this is my least favorite part of people dying. me thinking about the state of their body. because my mind always wonders.. she was in a box that was put inside another concrete box. and matt told me, "its because they think you are going to need your stuff again. that's completely wrong, but whatever, we dont need to tell them that.." and i said, i dont know about that concrete box...i dont know how long it can keep her in a good state....and he said "are you questioning the power of god?" and i said...no, im questioning the power of concrete. she was a mormon, my grandma. but her mind was lost for so long that i doubt she died a mormon....or really anything.