what i am doing is sitting here doing my homework. my english vocabulary homework, of course i chose the easy homework to do..because its the stuff that really needs to get done. but really i should have my math homework done by thursday and its monday and i still have 6 or 7 assignments i should have done. so to work on that would be of course, smart. but lately im not so smart. its not even hard. but i need the day to work on it, the night will never be any good. im also pretending that i am feeling better and listening to the pixies. "and this i know his teeth as white as snow.." i hear in the background.now i feel silly, saying things like that, i feel like karin. karin is silly. she is a silly girl. and i like her alot. but thats besides the point. i wrote all about carbuncles in my homework. they are boils. they are so gross sounding even though i dont know what half of the words in the definition mean. but i wrote them all. its the longest definition i have on my paper. i cut all the other ones off because i dont really care but i should, and i do. im pretending not to care. but i really love vocabulary and what is wrong with me is i dont want to do anything but sleep anymore. and now i want to get high and get drunk. and i dont ever want to buy weed. but i could. which would be funny, because people who buy weed are potheads by definition and i wouldnt ever want to be considered that. but i felt so good last night, compared to tonight, where i feel so bad, and im sitting here and the funny thing is i have no homework done at all, and last night i did my homework early so i could get drunk and get high. thats the only thing that prompted me to do it. but i guess it had to be done. what i was thinking about, is that what people's skin is capable of. a boil. a carbuncle. our skin, as it is on our bodies, is capable of so many gross things. now because of medical science, we dont see so many gross things anymore but our bodies are made of the same substances and we are still capable of it, we seem to think we are different. the people of the past are fictional, and for all i know they really are fictional. because they havent been proven to me. perhaps the whole world exists only in my head. i dont believe in any of you, really. what i really want to say, is when we think of boils we think of fairy tales. but your skin, what you live in, is capable of having one. you never think of that, just like you never think of your body dead. because you will always be alive. because you are always conscious now. you are always thinking about what you remember and when you remember. i like typing. i like the sound of the typing. the sound its making, its calming me down. and in the corner of my eye i can see this light, and everythings a trip for me. my whole life has come down to one big fucking acid trip. and i've never been on one of those. i dont care about much anymore. i care about ian. i am so concentrated on being his special. i want to make him happy. really i need to make myself happy. because i've lost control of time. it moves really fast and really slow and the connecting parts arent there anymore. what i want to do, is get really fucked up, and listen to this pixies song. i think i would collapse. i have this butterfly feeling in my stomach just thinking about it. its like, i would explode from so much happyness and extreme calm being in one room, radiating off of only one person. it would need to be spread, i could imagine the feeling comming off of me after i exploded and traveling downstairs to my friends and they would get it. and it would be good for them because it would be within boundaries, but no one would ever experience something like i could experience it. i have the taste of a certain garlic in my mouth, from this vegetarian pizza from pizza hut that i used to love but i dont love anymore. and im suppose to like organic ketchup according to bastards like ians dad who would call me names and sound incredibly stupid just because they dont understand my point of view. the funny thing is i would never tell ian that his dad is stupid because he eats meat. i dont care what his dad does, and i dont think his dad should care much about me. i think i should stop here. i could probably go on and type for a very long time, but this is enough for now. there should always be a limit for everything, or else its too big to comprehend.