i need to quit this diary. i need to stop going online for good. its not good for me, and in the future our generation will be dying in large amounts because they found out that computers cause some type of deadly disease that has become a epidemic for just one group of people, generation us. and all of our kids will be told to stay away from the computer for a while...until some crazy scientist comes up with a theory to save us from this awfulness. no one can use computers! how horrible. our whole society, our whole government, everything that we rely on for our sanity and sanctuarys is computers. but this is my lifetime goal...i plan to somehow destroy all computer related companies...they might have made it easier to create chaos then it was before. if every computer in the world shut down at this moment....what would be destroyed? and what would i be worried about? i would be worried that no one would ever get to read this silly entry that i am writing that means nothing to most..and nobody will read it and even if they do then they only are in hopes that i will read their entry in return. and if they leave a comment..ill look at their journal with no interest. no one cares about anyone besides themselves. everyone waits for their turn to talk. nobody really listens. nobody really understands. i go online to do 2 things...talk to ian and read diana's journal. those are the only two people i want to listen to. ironically. the 2 people who seem to have nothing or are hesitant to say anything to me. i talk to ian about everything, he never has anything to say in return. and it hurts me. and i am in so much constant pain right now..because i know nobody breaks up for no reason. he's not willing to help any relationship. that is okay though. it has been going good for like..a few days. and diana. i dont know what to say...shes always keeping things from me or she makes it seem that way and i dont really think she enjoys my company. she says shes sick of everyone. i ask her if im included? she cant say yes. even if i was. i smell like smoke. it was a smoke party. the room was filled with smoke. i think it was nice. i kind of have convinced myself that the government or even something beyond that..someone who wants to put himself as high up as like, god or something has put this belief on all of us. done a good job. maybe everything we know is a lie. maybe its a fake reality because someone wants to hide something from us....whatevers real its not here. i keep slipping....my walls and my ground jump at me...i hallucinate daily. i know I am not crazy. i know i am not. i hardly believe in such things anyway. my dreams somehow feel more real then what im suppose to believe in reality. i am on to something. i almost think its a mystery i made to myself. how do we really know the universe doesnt revolve around us? what do we know anyway. so many things are hidden from us. i think theres things much bigger that are hidden. we all grow up to believe certain things. but when i think about space. i get overwhelmed. when i think about dying and going to heaven, its too much. who wants to get everything they ever wanted anyway? what im trying to say is everything is faded for me and its literal. my hands fade when i stare at them for long enough. if i look at myself in the mirror for long enough my eyes start to get bigger and then they just disapear. people dont just see these things for no reason. theres something else there. you know that there absolutely has to be. there is no balance in this. theres always something bigger and higher than you.