inspiration to do anything. thats what i need. i need an inspiration. inspiration to live. most people have it. i dont really want to do anything but im unhappy with doing nothing. i want my life to hold meaning to me again. but really. i feel so lifeless. and everything i say to anybody feels so ugly and pathetic. so i want to sleep. i always want to sleep. because i can live in this fantasy world. where everything goes how i would like. i've thought about convincing myself to believe things i'd like to. and i know that the way i am living my life isn't very healthy, but i really am not very concerned with being "healthy". no human is mentally stable, anyways. we are all so dependent on eachother. for our abilities to do anything. everytime we satisfy a role we'd like to play.. everytime we feel happy with ourselves its only because we are happy with what others are thinking. we want to impress, hurt, love, and eat eachother. and if there was no one to do these things to, then what would be the point of living for us? feeling? dont we get all of our feeling from others. or i guess our environment. but everything is a being, everything is alive. so with nothing, we are nothing. without everything, we couldnt have will to exist. i do have the will to exist, for some reason. i guess its part of my nature to assume that things will get better. but what makes me happy is something that i can't have. and i dont think it will get better because things have already been perfect for me. or maybe im just fantasing it to have been perfect. because now is just no good. maybe. i dont see myself "getting over" wanting to feel happy. thats why i will never get over this thing that brings me down all the time. i like to fall in love. because its probably the best feeling in the world. and falling in love does exist because humans made it up. and anything you can make up does exist. its a feeling that we can generate inside ourselves, and once you convince yourself of it, its hard to say its not real. so i love to fall in love. and i am in love, right now. but the kind of love i am in, is where another person wishes to fuck me over . and i say wishes, because feelings are a matter of mind. i can say i hate someone or love someone and convince myself of it, and it will be real. so yes, this person WISHES to fuck me over. and make me feel sad. and thats all i have to say.