I always thought those girls with there boyfriends were really lame,always telling people how cute they are and what they were doing the day before,but now that i found myself a boy i have turned out the same way. i don't go around saying that i have a boyfriend and being all bubbly about it,but i also don't deny it.But i don't like how its such a big fucking deal that I finally got a boyfriend. I don't know,i guess since i always talked about never wanting a boyfriend only because i just wanted hookups people are really surprised and talk about it. but i think i actually wanted a boyfriend this time because i really like him.not just appearance either,i can honestly talk to him and almost be comfortable.but i guess we're still getting there. anyways, my point is that I'm happy with the boy i have now :) its weird because people i have never met before in my life know who i am in our school.Like my friends brother,i've never even talked to this kid before and all of a sudden I'm not allowed to hang out with my friend because her brother told his parents that im the biggest fucking stoner in the world. that was last year,but to be honest,most of the time i wasn't even stoned. when i was stoned,people thought i wasn't. but when i wasn't and i was just my normal self everyone thought i was stoned. and i really don't know how so many people know me but i don't know them. sometimes i get scared that someone will find out who i really am.I know it sounds stupid but i can honestly say that nobody really knows me,because i constantly hide it.i'm so used to being like that,that i no longer realize when i even do it anymore,until i actually really think about it. I'm going off on a tangent. anyways,i don't like that people think so little of me,but when i really think about it,i'm just pitying myself because i know deep down,thats all i really am. a piece of shit. I don't even say it anymore because people will argue with me and say "no you aren't neda" and no matter how much comfort i get it makes no difference to me. i am what i am--a selfish vain bitch.you can go on all day about how i just have a low self esteem and how eventually people will think that way about me if i keep saying it,but by then i would have thought you'd realize that i WANT you to say that about me. i want someone to come up into my face and tell me straight out that i am nothing but a conniving cuntface. just say it please. im begging someone to do it for me. well, now i'm going to sit in my room and stare at the ceiling singing along to Ballad of a Thin Man,wondering why i am so fucked up in the head that i don't even know what i'm thinking about. now do you still want to talk to me?