it is the start of my 3 day weekend! im sipping coffee. cant seem to get motivated to do much of anything besides make an awesome french toast and fried banana breakfast. its cloudy outside today, of course, on my day off, the sun is not shining. i really need to get some sort of a workout in today but i havent even put pants on yet. i may just take a nap, its been at least an hour since i woke up. my paycheck was supposed to be direct deposited today but it wasnt. so annoying. now i have to go to work to pick it up. but it may be a good excuse to walk on the beach even if it is cloudy. had a moment of weakness last night. my relationship with neil is over. i know its for the better. i literally feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. but there is times where im feeling lonely and wish he were still there for me. i really am happy about not wasting time with someone i know im not ever really going to be with. its just a bummer that he seems indifferent about it. isnt that how it always goes? i will get over it, obviously. i just had too many glasses of wine last night and got upset about it. eh.

can't believe SitD is back after all this time! I thought i had lost years of journaling and secrets to myself. this is the only place i ever kept a list of everyone i've slept with. tried to make a list from memory, that proved to be a challenge. mainly because half of my horizontal tangos are danced very intoxicated. those days have passed. i am 4 months sober and counting. feeling good, feeling great. a lot more motivated. feel like the smoke and powder has cleared from my brain, i can make a full sentence now. so much has happened in the last 2 years, i feel as if i have no idea where to begin. my ocd wants to start from the beginning but i know theres just too much. maybe i can back track instead. either way, musty is not dead. he is alive and well and as crazy as a fucker he ever was. my paw paw is dead though. died in an atv accident almost 2 years ago. best way for him to go though, he loved stuff like that. and life goes on, sort of. my mom is frozen in time, possibly digressing. i feel as though she never made peace with him before he passed. as if she never felt like she had really made him proud yet. her manic depression and bipolar-ness make my fucking head spin. sometimes she seems like an alcoholic, sometimes she seems normal. most of the time she seems like shes slipping herself pills when no one is watching and justifying sadness and nothingness. she says she doesnt feel like shes worth anything. im at a loss for anything with her. i just take each good day she has as a blessing. its hard to endure this. i live in charleston, south carolina now. big change from the desert i was in 2 years ago. moved here from Austin. everything has changed, i am a completely different person from the last time i wrote. i can barely recognize myself in past posts. is that me? i dont remember writing that. i cant believe how depressed i was in some points of my life. i never think like that anymore. why are we so sad as teenagers? i'd give anything to go back with what i know now. damn, life's funny like that. i try to remember that when i get bummed out now. i just remind myself i wont give a shit in a couple of months, prolly wont even remember that i was bummed out. relationships? suck. im only lonely when im with someone else. im eating salt & vinegar chips. my greasy fingers smear across my laptop keyboard. they wont go fast enough, i have so much to say. so many thoughts built up in my head over 2 years of no outlet, no way to get my words out there. to where i dont know but i always feel better with a collection of nonsense somewhere in cyber space. like, no one will ever read this. it doesnt matter if they do or not. i dont care, it just feels good to get it out there. my brother has lost a ton of weight over this diary hiatus. he is my most prized memory, love, everything. i cant explain the unconditional love i have for him. i am so proud of everything he has accomplished so far in his life. he has come such a far way. he is a man now. he is a man now. have to say it twice because it is so surreal. he's responsible. he has a good job. he's smart. he has a new car. he has really pulled himself from the dark hole of adolesence to make something of himself. besides his crazy ridiculous tattoos, that kid's alright. what about me? what am i doing? im always on a mission to find myself. each and every new person i meet helps me to discover another piece of myself. im always amazed to find out a new thing about myself. a boy, aaron wade, in Austin, helped me realize my spiritual beliefs. i am undoubtedly way too attached to the memory of him because of it. a post about god is no doubt, saved for another night. i am in south carolina. i transferred here with my hotel job. it works, it is what it is as far as the job goes. the beach is why im here. when i got off yesterday and just laid in the wet sand as i watched the tide roll in. the powerful sound of the ocean waves nearly takes my breath away. its incredible. the peacefulness of feeling like nothing at the edge of a body of water that encompasses THE WORLD. a seashell beneath my toes cracks and i am that seashell. we are one. its not hippie bullshit, new age anything, its fact. i close my eyes and drift away with the waves. i know i am where i belong, for now. my life has taken me on so many adventures, i get so excited for the next one, i wanna start right now before i even experience the one im on. i remind myself everything is in good time. and since i havent done anything just yet, i obviously havent fulfilled my purpose of being here just yet. in south carolina that is. long day at work, makes me hungry. its way past the time i should be eating but im doing it anyway. willpower? i'll start tomorrow.

rest in peace adrian "musty" carter. you may have lived a tough life but you always made me laugh. the future is now. congratulations to my brother who proposed to his girlfriend. cant wait to welcome amber marie riley to the foster family. epic!

and i am so hung up on it, we should pull each other's triggers. its been months since i've talked to carl and yet, everyday as much as i try to avoid it, he crosses my mind at least once. i know he's toxic but it seems like i should be over it by now if it isnt meant to be. but some sort of energy inside me wont let it go.

im going on vacation to san antonio next week, yay! my little brother will be here too! texas is about to get a whole lot better!

i remember sitting in heather's living room watching her cat, jasmine. her fur changes from gray to silver in the beams of sunlight coming through the window shades. the living room smells like old smoke and we sit in silence. and i get a warm feeling thinking about those days now.

im goin to texas!

home is wherever im with you.

i cannot be tamed.

some pretty epic weed.

sick again, yuck

ugh ugh ugh flu flu flu 8 inches of snow wtf.

everything, everything ends.

i played the game right from the start, i trust you, you used me, now my lifes all torn apart. but im sailin on.

i got my old job back at buckhead. i havent talked to carl in a week and i dont want to talk to him but i miss him greatly. i owe my dad $100. i love playing rollercoaster tycoon. my fave ppl to chill with are dro, flynn, and heather and chase. my coat smells like smoke.

2009 is coming to an end and soo much has happened this year. i need a keyboard that isnt fucked up to recap.

& if there was a million shooting stars i would wish for you on every one

took grey goose shots at andreas before going out. killed the fifth. got dropped off at the bar by mom. o sheas. drink drank drunk. went to dublins. watched gina and andrea sing karaoke. ate half a piece of pizza before some random dude grabbed it from me and threw it on the ground. picked it up. rubbed it on his shirt. he rubbed it on my dress. turned around. punched him in the face. aaron grabbed me up. kicked the dude. andrea and gina came over and threw their drinks in his face. went back to osheas. saw nikki, jenn with, jenn chap, and madi. needed to sleep. took a cab to andreas. passed out in the parking lot. tim carried me out to his car to go home. carried me from the driveway to my room. talked to brad on the phone. said something crazy. fell asleep. woke up alone. broken pictures. overdrawn debit card. no vomit. panera bread.

i leave for hawaii in two weeks!

first i got a debit card now i have text messaging, im really movin on up.