why'd you delete my entry?! you asshole! OKAY. HERE. I'M DOING THIS AGAIN. BUT IN SHORTER TERMS. the nick and hilary thing still bothers me. i'll get over it. and i swear it's a control thing. even though nick says it isn't. it doesn't bother me much. hilary's gross and dirty and ugly and she's a liar. nick doesn't like her. i just wish they wouldn't talk. instead of talking a little. but whatever. she needs a hit of reality. and i mean that. so she better not be stupid at the 4h fair. this all reminds me of that nivea song, "don't mess with my man," even though nick and i aren't together. it still reminds me of it. nick and i have been talking for hours and hours the past two nights. it reminds me of last summer. yet bryan would fall asleep some times. and we had a lot of inside jokes and laughed at everything. yet we were still living everything as kids would. i still do. and he does too. but nick doesn't. and i don't expect him to. nick's crazy though. and tends to say things that make no sense whatsoever. but it's still funny. and it's good to laugh every now and then. so yesterday was fourth of july. and i didn't see a firework show like every year. which is okay. with my mom working all the time and all, it's hard to do things. so sheena and steve picked me up and we went to mark's house. he lives on a lake. with his wife and two amazing kids. chaos and havoc. chaos=three year old boy. crazy. mean little shit. stud. smart. havoc=gorgeous eighteen month old girl. smart. pretty blue eyes. dirty blonde hair. my new love. the guys cooked, and everyone but me ate. we watched aqua teen and played with sparklers. at dark we set off fireworks for the kids mostly. they were okay. then steve and mark decided to get in the boat and go out to the lake, which was stupid. sheena and i took fireworks and threw it out there. suprisingly, they landed in the boat. they were flipping out and trying not to jump out. ohmygod, they looked so stupid. and they lost their paddles. yet in the end they got us back. boys. i swear. then everyone started drinking. even me. but not enough to do anything to me. sheena got really drunk. which sucks. every time i see her she's drunk or drinking and gets drunk. she's a better person sober. everyone is. around ten thirty i got a headache. probably from the kids and the heat. so steve drove me home. we listened to as i lay dying on the way. the windows were down. we were in the country. he was driving fast. and the music was loud. i don't know why, but i love that. and it makes everything better, i swear. when i got home, nick told me to call. so i did so. we got off the phone at four ten. marissa and i might be hanging out this week after the 4h fair one night. which would totally rock. she's an amazing girl. and we've never hungout. so yes. amanda finally called. she went away for a while, didn't she? ohwell. she's back now. and we're gonna be hanging out again soon. which is good. i don't know. i'm lonely a lot. company's such a nice thing. and i don't consider keith as company. keith is annoying. VERY annoying. and he's always here. and yeah, i don't like him that much anymore. nobody else comes over. amanda used to always come over. but now she doesn't. and i really miss her. even though she does, really, eat everything in my house. and costs us a lot of money and food. she's still my friend. and i still want her around. nick doesn't get to come over much, but i adore it when he does. he makes me happy. i just wish he could come over more often. and marissa. and danielle. and sarah. and ryan mike. just.. the kids i like. the kids i never see. the kids that don't get on my nerves. i'm lonely in the "other" way also. which is probably normal for girls my age. well, not my age, but teenagers. i just have that feeling of needing to be held at night. but, y'know, whatever. i'll live. emo kids really piss me off. especially the girls. it's sad enough that boys cut their hair the same way. and now girls want to look like dykes. the only girl's hair i like that's short is megan mcclures. and that's because of the story behind it. she definitely deserved it. anywho. i'm gonna get going. and marissa knows this diary now! ohno! :). ps;; when i upload my pics from tonight, i'll post them. goodnight.