so this is what it feels like to not fit in your own skin. mmm. i wish i had more girl friends. so i could go hangout with all of them, and talk about everything, and boys, and all of our heartbreaks. but i'm not much of a girly girl. and some times that isn't the best thing. i have all male friends, and a few girl friends here and there. i can't really talk to amanda about things like that and feel okay with it. like i'm getting something out of it. i feel like i'm just talking to a brick wall. she'll listen and respond, but it's not something that.. i don't know. nevermind that. it's hard to talk with her some times because we're so opposite in things. she has a fuck buddy. they don't date, nor are they inlove. and i couldn't imagine doing that. marissa and i don't hangout, and we aren't the same when it comes to girl shit. for example, dating and whatnot. i do talk to her about it, but she's different than me. she believes in loving someone and liking someone else at the same time. which is okay, i guess. but she dates the one she loves. and likes another boy. i don't know. i just never do that. i never can get myself to do that. when i turn eighteen, i want to move out of indiana. bryan's moving to indianapolis as soon as he can get out of massachusetts. so i'll have someone to go with me. we've always wanted to go to california. but i'm not sure if i want to move there. it's so confusing. i almost want to get out of here soon. like, at sixteen. i really need more female friends. we could all hangout at once, and have sleep overs, and go out and take a lot of pictures together and share secrets and laughs. maybe one day. not in decatur, there's no way. i get along with a lot of girls here, but they're all really preppy, and tend to not have many feelings. i wonder where i'd be without music. my music taste flies in every direction. and writing helps me. and singing. i'm about to really start piano. maybe when we move, if marcia still has that piano, she'll give it to us. and i can start taking lessons, and then start teaching myself, and start singing and playing piano whenever i get sad. i really want to be done with cutting. i don't want to be done with smoking. so that'll take time to stop. cutting has taken four years to stop. i wonder where i'd be without cutting. i wouldn't have a lot of scars. i wouldn't have my lipring. you know, i'm actually happy i started cutting. everyone has their own way of dealing with things and i'm aware of that. like bryan. he does drugs and drugs and drugs and drinks. sure, i wish he wouldn't. that's because he means everything to me. but still. he does them. and i can't stop him. it changes him, but he's still really really intelligent. i wish he wouldn't drink though. it leads him to have sex with whoever he can. and he's better than that. he really is. when he gets here, he won't do those things anymore. and we'll run off and be happy. and not care about drugs or cutting or drinking. actually, i take that back. we're going to do shrooms together. once. yes. i'm against living alone. my mom says i shouldn't be like that. but when i get older, i want to live with someone, anyone. a bestfriend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, anyone. being alone isn't too fun. but i want it to be someone i can trust with anything and everything. so i can run around naked and sing really loud and dance funny and that person won't care. i think about everyone i know. and i know who i want to live with. i know who i want to always be there with me. and i like this feeling of knowing. it's comforting. this girl left a comment on my site, and i wanted to hug her really badly. she's right. i am better than nick. i can do better than him. and i love knowing that. i can't wait until school starts back up. we'll all be back to remembering combinations, classrooms, hallways, names and faces, and homework assignments. i hope we have a bunch of new kids. and i hope this year goes as well as last. maybe this year i'll try to keep my grades up better, regardless of how bad i hate the teacher. one more year and i'll be in high school. i'm really young. heather sent me a pm on bp last month. i hate that stupid site, so i just got it today. she sat there, cussing me out, telling me how stupid and immature i am, and how i need to open my eyes and stop lying to everyone, and all this stupid shit. and i just sat there, laughing. so i wrote her back. i didn't cuss once. and i think i proved to her how she's the immature one. how she lies, and steals, and cheats. and how she doesn't know reality at all. it's true, though. she told everyone her brother died when he didn't. she cheated on danielle. told danielle and brandy that she loves them both, when she doesn't love either one of them. she stole from my mom. from her mom. and yeah. at the end of the pm i added, "take care." i felt really good. after we move, i'm getting everything together. everything. myself. just, everything. my life. first thing i'm doing when we get everything in the house is getting my room together. i failed to do that here. so my room is a crazy mess, and i hate it. i can't even walk without stepping on a cd, or clothes, or my guitar. it's really stupid. so i'm going to put my furniture where i want it, put the important stuff on my dresser, table, etc, then go for the posters and street signs and whatnot. you know, instead of having posters all on my floor, and my shit everywhere, and twenty boxes full of shit in my closets. i might paint my room. or get wallpaper. or something cool. something i've never done. probably wallpaper. yes. hopefully i'll get my new camera soon after that. and get into photography a lot more. and not have a boyfriend. or have to worry about that retarded shit. and i'll start skating again. and working out. and have amazing friends and i'll always see them and it'll be good. i won't abandon the internet. i couldn't. bryan's on here, and he's an ultimate bestfriend. so yes. life will be better than this shithole. i'm gonna miss the living fuck out of keith. but i'll be away from josh. and that's okay. keith can visit. and i'll visit here, of course. i don't know what inspired me to write this out. but it happened. ps- we talked. dear nick perry, never speak to me again until you apologize 1000 times and kiss my body from my head to my toes. -cathy. we had a conversation. which i xed out of. it wasn't much. just him telling me stupid shit like how i'm dumb for the things i do and say. when really, it's because i care and he doesn't. but he took it too far. past anywhere james ever went. bytheway, he did tell hilary that he thinks she beautiful. when he told me differently. and yeah, he sits there and says he isn't a liar. plus, in the conversation i xed out of he said, "goodnight cathy. i love you. go fuck yourself." in like, three different instantmessages. such a damn liar. LeTsStALkCoWs: hm LeTsStALkCoWs: because i dont want to deal with your shit? truth x lens: excuse me? truth x lens: did i tell you to go fuck yourself? who's giving the shit to who? LeTsStALkCoWs: you,because your full of it LeTsStALkCoWs: you dont except the truth LeTsStALkCoWs: you dont listen truth x lens: grow up dude. LeTsStALkCoWs: you dont believe me truth x lens: listen to what? truth x lens: your bullshit? truth x lens: about what, nick? LeTsStALkCoWs: dont fucking tellme to grow up you little bitch truth x lens: wow..... LeTsStALkCoWs: your so full of shit its stupid truth x lens: wow. LeTsStALkCoWs: yeah, wow? LeTsStALkCoWs: im sick of your shit truth x lens: you're worse than kirby. truth x lens: thanks nick.. truth x lens: really. truth x lens: thanks. LeTsStALkCoWs: and your really pissing me off, being stupid i signed off after that. i should have just blocked him. forever. i think, nick, that this proves who should grow up. thanks.