you know, i spend a lot of my time trying to figure out life, and what it is, and who i am, and what it's going to be, and who i'm going to be. i never get anywhere but upset and pissed off when i do that because life isn't what i want it to be, and i don't think it ever will be that way. deep down, i'm probably one of the most fucked up, depressed person that ever lived this decade. atleast in america. my childhood wasn't as great as i make it. well, when i tell people about my childhood, i tell them how it was. my dad abused me, tried to rape me, spoiled me, lied, all that good shit. and the first person i ever fell inlove with molested me and lied. that's usually all i tell people. sure, it seems horrible, but that's not even near half of it. i leave out the part about my father and step mother spoiling the shit out of me because some people think that's good. i don't. i didn't. i never will. i hated being spoiled. i hated getting all the barbies i wanted when i wanted. i hated getting fifty dollars for bringing home a good report card. i hated getting all the food, clothes, money, and toys i wanted. i never took advantage of it. i never really used it. they just went along and did it. when i turned older, around nine, and started actually getting into the rock music, and the circus magazines, and the tripp clothes, they stopped spoiling me. they thought i was giving my life to satan because jesus christ, the lord, god, heaven was what i was supposed to devote my whole life to. even though my father had molested his fifteen year old daughter, and attempted to rape two other of his daughters. he loved the goddamned lord. and his precious daughter was "giving her soul to satan by wearing black and listening to rock music." it was complete bullshit. and this probably sounds really stupid and little to some people, because a lot of people go through this. but i was really young when this happened. i wasn't thirteen. or in my teens. i wasn't even ten. my father would burn my cds, or magazines, if i brought them in his house. no dying the hair, no boys, no mtv [because of the rock music videos], no phone calls until i was eighteen. he got so fucking serious and caught up in it that he started denying me as being his real daughter. "if you turn out like your mother and sister, you'll never be my little girl again." he looked at this as the biggest issue between us while i looked at his abuse and attempted rapes as the biggest issue. after years of being too afraid to open my mouth about any of that, i finally let it all out when i was ten on new years eve. my mother talked to my step mother about it. my step mother wasn't the brightest person. more of a hick, bingo playing, smoking, old woman. but my whole life she would go to the movies with me, or take me shopping, and call me her girlfriend, and this and that. i remember, when i was about nine, she promised me that we would always be bestfriends, and that if my dad ever touched me, she would leave him in a heartbeat and stay with me and keep me safe. so while my mother is telling my step mother about my father, i'm thinking, "this is so great. i get away from him, and get to have my bestfriend and mom in the end." yeah, try again. the next thing i know, i'm standing infront of my step mother on the side porch at eight o'clock pm with her shaking me and looking me in the eyes calling me a stupid fucking liar. "your father would never ever touch you. he loves you, cathy. he loves you. now stop fucking lying." i remember walking through that house for the last time, grabbing little things that were important, knowing it was the last time i would be there. they didn't know that. they had no idea where this was going. we took it to the courts. stupid shit happened. and i haven't talked to either of them since. it does mean a lot to me. being thirteen and fairly normal and saying that i have a dad, and that we just don't talk due to issues. but now that i've grown up and matured a lot, learned a lot, i realized that i'm happy i don't have a dad. and that i'm raised around women. money doesn't come easily having one person working, but i think i'd be happier with life now than with my dad. maybe if my whole childhood hadn't went the way it did, and i wasn't that spoiled, and they accepted me, and my dad really never did touch me wrong at all, i'd be happier. but that's not how it went. my life isn't a fucking fairytale. never was. never will be. why i typed all of that, i don't know. i just look at myself and think, "you are so fucking strong for a weak person." i break easily, don't let me fool you. but i've lived through a lot of tough shit. yeah, i'm aware i could be dirt poor and all that shit, but i'm not. for this kind of life, i've been through too much. and i'm happy i have. i'm happy i met james edwin kirby. and i'm happy i fell inlove with him. and i'm happy he forced his penis inside of me when i didn't want it. when i said no. i'm happy my father striked me in the face with that huge fist of his so much. i'm happy he attempted to rape me. i'm happy josh hurt me like he did. i'm happy i met all these amazing girls and boys and fell inlove and was later heartbroken. i'm living, and i just want to shove that in their fucking faces. that i'm so fucking perfect without them. if i could give a huge fuckyouthankyou to all those people right now i would. i have so much on my mind, it's scary. i'm on 8k for school. keith is on my old team, 7k. i'm on the advanced team, when i strongly disagree with that. i shouldn't be on the advanced team. nobody should be. there shouldn't be advanced classes. we learn the same, just at high school levels, and what's the point when we're all going to high school anyway? timmy said that the classes are extremely hard, but i'll be fine. i'm going to try to take his word on that. school starts in four days, and you better believe, i'm tripping balls. school is one thing that i adore at times, but it scares the living piss out of me. i still don't know what i want to be when i get older. people shouldn't ask kids that question. half of the older population still can't decide what they want. i'm set on a rockstar, always have been. but i don't believe in myself that much. maybe a photographer. maybe a doctor. maybe an actress. my talent isn't high. for the first time, i know what it's like to be deeply inlove. from experience, i think there's different forms of love, on different levels, and under different conditions. you can be dating an amazing person, and be inlove with them, and think they're great, and when it ends, it sucks for a few months, and you move on. or you can be so fucking inlove, that no matter how fucking long you wait to get over them, you never do. that's how it is with bryan. every time i hear 'table for glasses' by jimmy eat world i start crying. we promised each other that we would always love each other. i'm the only one who kept that promise. and i know guys, goddamnit i know them. i know how they work. i know how they lie. i just wish i would have caught that beforehand. i wish i would have listened to my head before my heart and been like, "shutup, bryan. you're such a fucking liar." and he'd sit there and be like, "oooh you know i'm not lying. i'll always love you. i promise." and i'd sit there and believe him. i'd make that fucking mistake. scratch that. i made that fucking mistake. i made the mistake of listening to my heart, and believing the poor boy. you know what i got out of that? a heartbreak. my heart is broken. actually broken. for the first time in years. it hurts a shitload. and i don't know how to deal with it. i'm not going to cry. i'm not going to crack. i'm not going to cut. i think i'm going to drink and smoke it away. i've never believed in that. i still don't. i just think it helps to keep your mind off of it, which is what i need. he's inlove with another girl, and i just...... fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i don't know what to do. so being the person i am, cathryn nicole humphery, i'm going to ignore the living fuck out of it, and maybe him, and drink and smoke and take a few pills here and there, and when school starts back up, maybe there will be a new cute boy, and i'm gonna snatch him up, and get the fuck over bryan. it's what any normal person would do, right? i don't know about the last part. the whole ignoring, drinking, smoking thing is for real. but being inlove with someone, and dating someone else just never works for me. i tried it already. my whole fucking life revolves around this kid and i don't know how in the fucking shit i stop that. i can't. i never say this because i never have a reason to, but fuck love. so i might as well let you few people that read this know why i stopped writing in here for a few days. i ran away. kidding. the stupid internet broke. sbc is a piece of shit some times and this was one of the times. not having the internet was strange. i stayed out too much and saw too many people and got into too much trouble and got into too many verbal fights. so i have a few stories. a few days ago, like three, i went to sheena's house. there was three people i didn't know there. brandon, travis, and ed. some kids from some bands that were on tour and staying the night at sheena's. sleeve and randy and allison and steve and sheena were there too. sleeve and i sat down and had serious conversations about his drinking and my smoking. i hate him drinking, he hates me smoking. it's because we care about each other. he told me that i shouldn't worry about him drinking, because he has control of it, and he barely does it anymore, and he stopped smoking cigarettes and all this happy shit. the more we talked, the more serious we both got, and he ended up lighting up two cigarettes during it, because he was actually getting seriously into it. we ended it about an hour later with a huge hug. so it's like a party, and it goes on for hours and hours and a sheriff shows up at the door and people get into fights and there's 2342 beers and alcohol everywhere. steve and kashena get into a fight, and he comes up to me, drunk, and says, "come with me." we get into the car, and he says, "we need to get her rallys." and the whole way there, he's about to cry because he's drunk and talking about how much he loves sheena and how he knows that she's going to leave him one day and he's not going to go on much longer because she's all that matters to him. i didn't know what to say, but i was listening, so i kindof agreed and asked a few questions here and there until we got to rallys. once we got her food, he parked the car, got out, and got in on my side. "scoot over." "why?" "i need you to drive us home." "dude, i'm terrified of driving. i've never been behind the wheel of a car in my life." "i don't care. learn. now." so i did. the one thing that made me lose the fear was him saying, "our lives are in your hands." it was so fucking hilarious. but he kept talking about kashena and his love for her. turning was the best part. but when we parked.. ohman. so he's drunk, and has no idea what he's saying, and tells me to slow down, so i do, and he says that i can let go of the break because the car's gonna hit the curb anyway and stop us. it didn't stop us, and we ended up driving through the field to the park. i broke the exhaust. but it was funny either way. when we got back inside, they made up, and everyone talked and drank and whatnot. sleeve and allison [they've been together for a while.] ended up getting into a fight. and sleeve got really pissed and ended up saying, "fuck you, allison. fuck you." and it kept going on and on, so sheena tried to stop it. when sleeve started flipping out about how worthless he is and started boohooing, she realized that she didn't help at all, and started going off about herself. after they all calmed down, sleeve and allison decided to go home, even though they were both really drunk. sleeve and i didn't say anything before they left. he just looked at me and we stared at each other and he looked down and just about fucking cried. steve and sheena kept getting into fights. brandon passed out. ed and i talked about everything and anything for a few hours. steve got really pissed and drank a shitload of vodka and kept leaving and coming back and started having horrible fits about guys being with me because sheena JUST told him about kirby the night before. he was threatening to "stab every motherfucker in the room." it was pretty intense. but he ended up falling down on the floor and passing out. sheena was all over her new bassist, travis, which pissed me off. my close friends know why. so i got pretty mad. and she's totally wasted, which also pisses me off. and we ended up getting into this huge fight until she said, "you know what, get out." and i did, and the last thing i said was, "kashena, i hate you. i hate the person you are. i fucking hate you." and i looked her into her red eyes. i didn't care. as soon as she said, "good," i walked out. she lives by the boiler room, so i ended up punching that door four times. it sucks, because unlike the storage room doors, that one is pure wood. all the way through. after stumbling up the stairs, i kicked the window to the door and broke down. i felt stupid for crying, so i went to brandon's, and it's like, nine in the morning, so i knew he wouldn't be up. and i'm flipping out, and my breathing starts going crazy, and i start shaking, so i realize that i'm having a mini anxiety attack. i headed to keith's, regardless of josh, and regardless of if they're asleep, i didn't care. i knocked until josh answered, and he got keith up, and i broke down. i actually fucking cracked. i haven't had an axiety attack in months and months. but yeah. there it went. it sucked, seriously. but keith and i just kept talking afterwards, and walked around and ended up at my house. my hand got sorta fucked up from all the punching. especially my pinky. sheena and i eventually talked. like, yesterday. yeah, two days without speaking or seeing each other. it's a big thing for us, because we always spend time together. we actually built a huge bond over this summer. she ended up cutting over it. and steve ended up leaving that night, and so did the rest of those guys. kashena thought that taking keith, steve, and i to eagle creek would make up for the whole thing. it was her fault. and it didn't really make up for it, but it was something to do. so we all went to eagle creek for a few hours. caught a few frogs and even a tadpole. it was interesting. tonight keith and i convinced my mother to take us to wal*mart. that was an adventure. no details. it was just fun. then keith and i got extremely high and drunk and watched the upside of anger. which is a very good movie. we haven't slept. we won't. today should be fun. agreed? it's 809am. i hope everyone's life is going decent atleast.