My life is a guilty mess. This is not true. Because most days I am happy, because I have convinced myself that I have reason to be happy, and because I have learned to keep myself on the other side of dark. But let me tell you that I yell at myself everyday. No, I don't hit walls and act like a maniac. But that's because I'm sane. Everyday I'll repeat something such as "bitch. bitch. bitch. you're a bitch. bitch. bitch." or "goddamn awkward. so fucking awkward. why are you so goddamn awkward." Don't get me wrong, I don't see this as a problem, I actually see it as a way of solving my problems. By shouting these things in my head, they sting right then and then go away. Today I don't think I said any of those things. But I feel so guilty. guilty. guilty. I was late to my final and I didn't go to my first psychology test. Why? Because I'm dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Yesterday I had the worst interview ever (it was over an hour long) and I think it's still hurting me. Wine. Wine. I would like a glass of wine again. Art project. Make me feel better. I like you, really I do. I would spend more time with you if I was a better person. Did you know that I felt pretty good before I went on the internet today? Actually, I had all that guilty residue sitting in my head, but I did feel pretty good. I even went on a really quick run. It was hard. Yesterday I didn't go on the internet. That felt good. Did you also know that I only learned to listen to music this year? Because the truth is I usually only like music with no words. I guess I don't like other people's thoughts getting near mine. But I started listening to what people have to say. And sometimes it's pretty good. I'm going to apply to colleges in France. My parents with encourage me not to go, but I'm really really close to moving there instead of Scotland. I'm wild, right? No. I have an english final tomorrow that I might need to study for and still probably won't. Stress makes me feel bad. I like Katie and Olivia. I like stealing. And I want to be bored. I think I might actually stop smoking. I have said this so many times, which makes me think I'm weak. I don't want to be weak, and I don't want to not have an interest in anything. I want to volunteer and stuff. I want to do stuff with my life. I. Dare. You. I'm so weak.