Well, I had two desires for tonight. First was to draw something. Well, my hand is kind of hurt, so no drawing. The other was to vent. It seems that if you are to vent, you are more likely to feel better. I hope by me venting no one will take this as a “feeling sorry for myself” diary entry as I was told to. *sighs* Um...I guess I should start with something simple: Rob. I’m just so sick of him. He thinks he’s so much better than me just because I chose to take some time off from school to just relax. I mean, I graduated high school and there is no law requiring that I continue on . I’m going to be going to college, I just wanted some time off. Enjoy life without having to worry about grades and all that shit. You’re not fucking better than me, Rob. You’re not cooler. Nor am I, though. Get it through your skull. After spending a single night at a “hang-out” joint of a city, I want to live back in the day of private eyes, mobsters (not “gangsta”s), and beautiful lounge singers that could bring a man out of even the darkest depression. Where the morals and class that used to guide us as people? All that matters today is how slutty a person can be, or...how much you can manipulate one’s soul and free will. There are very few “old souls” left in this society any more. Those are the people that would thrive in those days, whose eyes will light up at the sight of a musky grand piano over a “pimped” out ride with Spinners any day of the week. Music isn’t music any more. People aren’t people, either. What happened to the days when a guy would lay his coat across a muddy puddle so a young woman wouldn’t mess up her shoes? The days when a woman would wink in a guys way because she meant it and genuinely liked him? What about a time when a person’s word was there bond and heart, soul and general kindness actually meant something?! God, to live in those days... *shakes head* Anyways, this one is gonna sound a bit strange and played out, but what the hell is up with MTV?! Music Television my ass. Sure, shows like Viva La Bam are good and all, but sometimes, I’d just like to see a music video. No, not some crappy rap fest of would be “artists” singing about how rough they had it growing up in the “hood” when they grew up in better neighborhoods than me or my friends. I’m talking about music with heart, with meaning. Damn, it was great watching the MTV: Music Video Awards this year! Green Day and Good Charlotte showed up people like Snoop Dog and crap like that. Don’t get me wrong, Snoop Dog gives me a good laugh at times, but I like music, not words spoken to horrid, so-called beats. *Stares out at the moon for a moment, sighing heavily* I have been avoiding saying something for a while now. I have commented on specific events and moments of the last few weeks, saying what was on the outside. It doesn’t matter, though, what is on the outside, right? It matters on the inside. Frankly, I am becoming the first to admit lately, I’ve got one of the biggest fucking Superman complexes a single human being can obtain. I don’t care what is going on in my heart as long as I was making those I care for happy. Well, it seems that to actually be able to make another happy, one has to be happy with one’s self first. That a person can’t keep things bottled up. We have to voice what’s really deep inside us before it eats away at us. Well, at least that’s what I’m told. So, when shifting through all the crap that is supposed to matter to me...the anime...the art...the games...what am I hiding? What am I really wanting to say? Well, here it is... .... .... I like cheese1 *laughs some, shaking head as I sniffle some what* No, that’s not it. Not it at all. *sighs* Every great story...and I’m not saying my story is great...but every story is about a girl. In my case, my girl is a girl that felt I was becoming good friends with. Someone I could trust, someone that I was actually liking. In the end though, all that happened was that she ended up hating me. And what I have to say is that I down right, without a shadow of a doubt and what ever fucking god rules our fate hate...myself. Heh...right there I should have said that I hated Kaitlin. But really, how can I? I was the one that let myself fall for her. I was the one that let myself feel used. Hell, if my feelings were right, then I let myself be used. I’m the one that can’t bring myself to scream and vent, or just explode like any other guy would do in this situation. I hate myself for not being able to just shed that one tear that seals my fate and lets me turn around and never think of this again. I should be able to cuss all the known obscenities (in English, Japanese, German, Vulcan and/or Klingon...god knows I’ve spent enough time memorizing them so I might as well use them) at her, get as pissed at her as she did me, all that fucking shit. But -I- cannot do that. A friend said it’s because I genuinely care for her and when you feel that way, nothing can make you speak ill of that person. Another says it’s because I’m a spazz loser and should tell her to...er...well...we’ll skip his particularly colorful statement. And a third says it’s just because I’m a teddy bear with a heart of gold. Who knows whose right? Maybe they’re all right?! All I know is, and I know it doesn’t help to think about this, but...I’d honestly do anything to fix this. No, this isn’t that fucking Superman complex peaking it’s stupid head out the door again, wanting to fix the world’s problems with the speed of a...well, you know. It’s me...Senji-ku...Tim...wanting to set a wrong. There was a wrong here. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was me. But I should never have said anything! I should have just gone along with the plan. I should have gone to Reactor and kept my trap shut. But I didn’t and I’m not, and I’m left wanting to go back to fix it. I’d trade anything in the world...the cosmos...just to change one little mistake. *sigh* But I can’t. All I can is hope things get better and wanting to know who told her I liked her. *takes a deep, deep breath, smiling slightly* Wow...that did kinda feel good to get off my chest. But it doesn’t make me completely happy. Lol...it’s a start, though. At least I’m willing to let it out. Well, I’m off, boys and gurls. Senji-ku has some thinking to do. Random Quote:All the women, all the money, ...hell, all the comics in the world...cannot make up for that one special person. ~ Stan Lee, Mallrats