i think i've alienated myself from karissa's (some of my own) friends. i don't really care if janette hates me, i think she always has on some level. but i like jenNAY, and losing friends is not so great. not so at all. i'd like to think this is all okay. but i'd like alot of things. i've been missing. it sucks so much to say it hurts less this time. but in many ways it hurts deeper. not that noticable "i am so broken-hearted" bullshit pain. just this heaviness. it's all so fucking heavy. i love her. she's one of my best friends and i am hurting her. but i already have hurt him and it hurts me either way. see, that's what you don't understand jannette, i have feelings too, i love, and i hurt. and i love them both and either way this goes someone gets hurt and either way it hurts me. do you comprehend that? i didn't think so. you calloused little bitch. bret is my friend, and he may not be the best guy in the world, but we take care of each other. karissa is my friend too, and in many ways she is too good for me. it's out of my hands, as they say in Macbeth, what's done is done. i could go back. i could fix this thing between me in krispy. and it would make me feel somewhat better. but it would also still hurt, because i would be totally betraying bret. in many ways i should never have ventured off with karissa onto this bumpy trail, but i would regret it if i hadn't. i don't regret any of this, i'm sorry, but i don't. it played out as it was meant to. but if i hadn't kissed her i would have never known. if i hadn't gone out with her i would have never known. if i hadn't spent hours on the phone with her i owuld have never known. i would have always wondered. peace love and marijuana sauce...