so at 10: 33 pm. i lay my hands to write. about the day or about that chicks ass, or about certain elevations. about how i'm just gunna do a brain drain here on the sitdiary. i need to lay out my insecurities because something has got me in a funk bra, fo' real. first off i have become very sexually frustrated since i came here. i have the same killer instict i just get lost trying to cross the bridge between "hi" and making out. can't even find the fuckin' bridge. it's a drag. i just need a little something to break the cycle of being a puss. hopefully, sometime during this line of bullshit i will have my epiphany. that'd be sweet. and sometimes, espescially at work i get insecure about my clothes and how i look. there have been a few days where i walked out just like "damn, i'm pretty." , but they have been fewer and farrer between. i mean i know, i'm a pretty good looking dude, but i work with a bunch of other studs and some of these guys are built. seriously built. they have money for gym access. i'd get pumped too if i had a gym to work at. just have to save for free-weights. yeah. need to get up at the ass-crack of dawn and go swimming. need to stop smoking cigarettes. maybe now and then. when i'm partying. i want to get back into ball, i really do. i miss it. it's the attention, it is, i can't lie. i love the competetion but only because the attention is rewerd, the better you do the more people like you. i'm not an idiot, i know who my friends are. i'm just saying it's nice to be known for something. and i've been playing the shit out of my guitar. it's really my only outlet. baseball is a purpose tho, a set in stone thing. i'm 19, i can get back and be better. just need some self-discipline. lots. need to relax around chicks i dig. play it cool and just be myself, quit trying to find the right words and just flow. hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. i can't wait till i can move into my new pad. i'm super-stoked. that is a real blessing. now if i can just start getting some dates and hook-ups and maybe even one to hang on to for a bit. i'm the soft hearted sort that will go out with a chick for a good bit if she's fun and has a cool personality. and is hot, but that's a given, eh. i'm really out on my own. holy shit, batman. peace love and marijuana sauce...