It's 6:49 in the morning and I've been up all night feeling alone. I let myself start thinking about my mom and everything and everybody I miss. I'm frustrated with my life. I am anti-social. Or I feel that way. Last night I started thinking about a guy I totally fell hard for when I was, like, 7 years old literally! And I liked him for my whole teenage life. I still do. For a long time I thought it was meant to be, mapped in the stars or something. But now I realize that we are complete opposites and that he has never felt anything other than a brotherly love towards me (if that) and it makes me feel like I've wasted too much time ignoring other guys. I'm such an idiot. I don't have a thousand guys knocking on my door, I should have given the guys that did a chance. Now I am 18 and alone. I feel like I'm getting too old to be choosey. I should just settle with what I get and not pine away for something that will never happen. I know 18 is young but years slip by like nothing and one day you wake up 35. It seems like yesterday I was 13. I still feel like I'm 13. I'm listening to "At Last" by Etta James. It's an oldie, but a goodie. Here's a few of the lines: "You smiled and then the spell was cast And here we are in Heaven For you are mine at last" This is the song of my teenage years. I thought that one day we would see each other and smile and that would be it. Ha! I kept smiling at him and he kept smiling at some other girl. It's pitiful, really. If he ever knew I would die. But it must have been obvious. I wish he'd at least said something. "Hey, Val, I know your in love with me and all but I just don't like you." -or- "Val, your making a fool of yourself." -or even- "Val, I hate you!" Anything!