I was really happy earlier today. Well, now it has become obvious to me that it is impossible to be happy all the time. It is insane to try to be and even more insane to want to be. I was thinking about how I really used to love going to the bookstore when I was a preteen, like 12 and 13. I walked around feeling really cool and acting like I had the best taste in books. Now when I go I see these stupid teens and I want to smack them in the face. I want to yell at them: You freakin read things that mean nothing and if you ever read anything that means anything you don't get it. You don't even try to understand anything. You read books like you eat, shoveling it in with no purpose other than to consume. You don't even want to know anything other than the obvious. You are a virus. For some reason I am in tears now. It frustrates me that there is such wonderful literature out there and people don't even want to hear about it. They might read something just to say they read it and that is even worse. But this isn't just about books. It's about people not understanding me or anything I stand for. I'm so tired. That's it. I'm just tired. Tired of shitty caf food, tired of family members who ignore me, tired of friends who aren't really my friends, tired of my mom being dead, tired of never knowing what else is going to happen, tired of being uninspired, tired of wanting to be inspired, tired of not being who I want to be, tired of not writing, tired of going to school for all the wrong reasons, tired of being nice, tired of not being allowed to get angry when I really need to be, and finally I am most tired of being strong. I'd like to break down for once. Cry and scream and beat some one up and say hurtful things. But I can't. I have to be a good girl. I always have to be good. And being good sucks ass.