Today I talked to my brother. He is the smartest kid alive. Just had to say that. I read a romance novel yesterday and in the book a woman is married and gets pregnant. That’s not really important but what is important is that it made me want to be at that step in my life. I want to have a stable home and husband and kids or at least one kid. I’m not sure if I would be a good mom or not but I would try. And Lord knows why I would want to bring kids into my family. I need a home. Not just a house to put my things in. I need somewhere to feel safe and happy and loved. Since my dad moved there is no place like that for me. Most college kids have their parents to depend on. I don’t. I don’t even have a room anymore and I can’t help but crave someplace for myself. And I can’t write anymore because I have no one to depend on. That probably makes no sense but its how I feel. I can’t base my life on this wild drive to create when I don’t have a person looking out for the more logical things. When I’m writing I am that character and I can’t think of anything else until it’s done. It’s like this ball of passion rolling inside of me that I can’t control. Emotions and thoughts swirling around and everything I see turns into something in the book. It’s absurd the lengths I’ve went to in the past to create. And without a person watching over me I can’t do it. I just can’t. But it hurts me not to be able to, like there is this unending pressure to give birth to something. I’m rambling. Actually I’m free writing, typing whatever comes to my mind. And I think people think that I’m stupid. I’m not. Maybe I act like that because I have this false sense of what a girl really should act like. It hasn’t worked in the past for me to be strong and intelligent; I guess I’m just trying to find a way to make things work. I’m really a smart girl. I made straight A’s in high school. But that really doesn’t measure intelligence, does it? I have a capacity for abstract thought and an open mind. I think that’s what makes me smart. I dunno. I spend too much of my time building up this false bravado or being meek. There is no in between for me. No medium. I’m always one or the other it just depends on who you are. For instance, if you are a close friend that I’ve known forever I am Bravado Girl, a friend I’ve known for a while - Meek Woman. I’m not comfortable in my own skin.