I just finished talking to a friend and I realized that I’ve never really been in love and that no one has ever been in love with me. I’m inexplicably sad. I put on this big front that I don’t need anybody to the world, but I do. I need someone to complete me. That is so hard for me to confess. I am an independent girl with modern ideas, but it doesn’t have anything to do with the feminist movement. Women need men and men need women. It doesn’t make me weak to admit it to myself. Or vulnerable. But what would be wrong with that? I am not a concrete wall. I can’t be in control all the time. It’s wearing me down trying to. I have all these ideas in my head about how I should feel and act and be but they are just ideas that I can’t implement. It reminds me of a Willie Nelson song. I don’t remember which one but there you go. Do you guys ever read people’s diaries and not comment? Okay, I said that wrong. I always read certain people’s diaries and never comment. Like I just like reading about them without having to have conversations through comments. Then I feel like I’m spying on them and they won’t ever know that I know all about them. It’s weird. I was tired today and not in a particularly good mood. Then two people called the office bitching at me for no reason. I guess they don’t get it that I have nothing to do with anything other than the office. I can’t force anyone else to return calls or be certain places. I just can’t do it. I don’t need some jerk telling me that I don’t know anything. I didn’t write today. I hate my job. Life is not what I expected. I read a diary entry today that made me sad and kinda weird feeling. I don’t like it when people say things to others without saying who they are talking to. Like they are anonymous about it and you don’t know if it’s you or someone else so you can’t say anything because it might not be you and then you’d make a fool out of yourself. I don’t think it was to me. Actually I’m sure it wasn’t but sometimes things go over my head so it could have been to me and I would have never known. And I’m rambling about it but it left me rattled. Maybe I won’t even post this entry. Anyway, I think that I am manic depressive or bipolar or one of those disorders. It seems like I can never find a happy medium. I’m always extremely happy or horribly sad. It makes me hard to be around. It makes me into two different people. I dunno. Things aren’t so bad in my life. I have a roof over my head, food, water, clothes. But it seems like there is just so much more that I’m missing and can’t find. Maybe it’ll fall into my lap one day. Okay that’s it. I’m always waiting for someday. I need to stop. Someday never comes. Someday is just a way of letting yourself get away with being lazy.