I wish I didn’t have my first time ahead of me. Being a virgin puts this humongous weight on you. Like if you don’t pick the right person you’ll never forgive yourself. The memory will forever be in your mind every time you have sex. Plus, you don’t want to have your first time with a jerk either. There’s this stringent screening process and even a normal, every day guy who would normally be a great boyfriend just doesn’t measure up to what you have in your mind and you waste years of your life trying to find this perfect guy to “de-flower” you. He never comes and you end up desperately sleeping with Mr. Don’t-Give-A-Fuck, getting pregnant, and marrying him. That is what I’m destined for. I know it. Or I’m destined to marry a deeply religious man who won’t have sex until we’re married and then I find out that he is really gay and I’m just his cover-up. That’s what I have to look forward to. Wahoo.