i've decided i'm going to start trying to write in this more often..not every single day, but more than once every month. i've actually kind of missed writing in this, because i can't really write certain things in my xanga..personal things, since everyone reads it. and i like knowing that, most of the time, megan and sara are the only ones that read this. it's almost one in the morning right now but i can't sleep, so i decided to get up and read some of my old entries on here. all i have to say is wow, things have changed a lot within the past year or so..i've changed a lot. but i've realized that things have to change and that it doesn't always have to be a bad thing. right? but sometimes it is. Dear megan and sara, i know things have changed a lot between us this year. i stopped trying in our friendship and i want both of you to know how sorry i am. you guys were ALWAYS there for me last year, and helped me through absolutely everything!! i would never have made it this far if the two of you didn't care as much as you did!! i never had to ask you guys to be there, you just were and you don't know how much that means to me still. so, even though we haven't hungout a whole lot this year and don't talk as much as we used to, i want you both to know that you were and still are my best friends. i miss you guys all the time..and i love you both very much!!

yeah, wow it's been more than a month. so i guess you already know that a lot has happened since my last update. i mean, a lot can happen in a month. definitely. and i have no idea where to even begin. i'll just start somewhere. 1.) lauren and i aren't friends anymore, and it's probably for the best. i've realized that when we WERE friends i never made time for OR focused on making any of my other friendships stronger..just the one i thought i had with her. and most of the time my friendship with her wasn't even very good. i mean, it was but it wasn't. i don't know. i'm really mad at her right now and i'm having an extremely hard time that because i don't want to be mad at her. it's just everytime i see her i want to scream at her or something. not like go off on her or anything..i guess it's more like i want to tell her she needs to tell me why she even avoids looking at me. at this point though, i don't know what it would do. part of me misses her..and the other part has already let her go and is more happy now then when her and i were friends. so yeah. 2.) during the past month i've become really close to alison, emily and lauren dobraski. we've pretty much been inseparable since school started. we're always together on weekends..and on both monday and wednesday nights for youth group. i love the three of them to death =) they always manage to make me laugh til my stomach hurts and i have so much fun when i'm with them. i never felt like an outsider when i first started hanging out with them and that's probably a big part of the reason they're so awesome. even though the three of them have been best friends forever they still let me in..without hesitation..and not many people do that, especially in our school..but i won't go there. so anyhow, alison is probably the most outgoing/craziest person i've ever met or WILL ever meet in my entire life..and that's why i love her so much. she makes me smile so big, and i can't help but laugh at her all the time =) she's just alison..there's no other way to describe her. yeah. and emily is the most random person ever..gosh..but she's so funny, all the time. i love it. and lauren's pretty much great..always. yes, i do love them. 3.) okay, so those are two of the biggest things that have been going on. umm i've also gotten a lot of my hours done for my dad. i did like 10 last week and 11 this week. so i'm proud of myself. yay. 4.) this weekend was fun. friday night was the homecoming football game. i took lots of pretty pictures =) yep. then saturday was the dance and that was awesome!! ali and i had twin hair styles. very pretty. then us girls stayed the night at lauren's afterwards. so much fun =) =) yeah. and everyone was so beautiful. we all danced til our feet were pretty much about to fall off. yay. i figure this is long enough so i'll update soon..hopefully.

http://www.xanga.com/hearts_staybroken braden, there's the link to my xanga. you wanted it =) i love you!!

i know i haven't updated forever. i've been updating my xanga lately and haven't felt like doing this too. so yeah. last night i went to the sternwheeler with braden. we fought a whole lot when we first got there, but eventually stopped after we realized how dumb we were. then we found sara and clay =) so the four of us walked around together the rest of the time. it was very fun. sara and i hardly see each other at school so i was happy we hungout. before we got ready to leave though, some girl who was ashley mullen's friend, stopped sara and apparently was yelling at her or something about stuff that's going on between the volleyball team. braden, clay and i didn't realize what was happening though until afterwards when sara started crying. i still haven't talked to sara about what happened. anyways, braden and i got into another fight on the way to drop me off at home and i haven't talked to him since then. he had to go to the away football game tonight since he's in band, which sucked because he missed the beautiful fireworks!! i watched them with mine and bekah's parents. they were sooo very pretty =) last year was more fun though because i watched them with megan, jack, ally, braden and some other people. i didn't see anyone tonight. at all. i miss so many people it isn't even funny. this year, so far, has seriously sucked. and i really do hate it!! well i'm tired. gooooodnight!!

friday night - i went to the football game and mostly sat with allie. but i talked and hungout with billions of other people too and it was fun. braden is cute when he plays in the band =) =) i think it's dumb that lauren and i are still not talking. i'm not going to lie.i do kind of miss her. hmm after the game braden and i went to rachel's house with some other people for a little bit. we all went to DQ and got some ice cream, then braden and i left but i can't remember what we did after that. oh well. saturday (yesterday) - my sister and i put a second coat of paint on the walls downstairs, then i helped my dad load a bunch of wood in the truck. it wasn't very fun but i had to do it. so anyhow, after i was done with that i layed around for awhile, then braden and i went to see transporter 2 or something like that. it was an action movie and i LOVED it!! if you haven't seen it then you need to!! but anyways, then we got some taco bell and went to the incredible playground, ate in his car, got out and chased eachother, raced down the slides, cuddled in the shark tunnel, swung on the swings, and then layed down, talking to each other about things that we haven't told anyone else, while we looked up at the stars. they were so pretty. i wouldn't have had the night go any other way. he's my best friend and i love him!! sunday (today) - i got up and went to church this morning. then afterwards my family met bekah and her family at applebee's for lunch :-) it was very good!! then we came home and i took a much needed nap until around 4:30 when i had to take my mom to church for praise team practice. then i came home for a little bit, waited on kim to get ready, left and went back over to the church for evening service. it was okay. afterwards i drove to applebee's and met some of the girls from my youth group there for dessert. it was very yummy and we had fun!! then i came home and called braden who was still at jonathan's house with some of the guys from our youth group. annnd jonathan wouldn't leave to take him back to the church so he could get his car, so i went and picked him up from jonathan's. i'm such a good girlfriend =) by that time it was part 10 so i had to take him to the church to get his car, and we just stayed there, talking and looking at the stars until i had to leave to go home. it was nice. i love him soo very much!!

i think i need to update because it's been a few days. i haven't really felt like writing much lately and i honestly don't want to right now, but it's always been the only way for me to "express" myself, i guess you could say. and i've had so much on my mind this past week but i haven't really felt like i could talk to anyone about it. i don't know though. here it goes. every year is a new beginning. a chance to start over with a clean slate. during the summer you tell yourself, or rather, you decide that the coming school year is going to be different..better. you're excited to not only see your friends again, but also meet new people. you tell yourself that you're going to study harder, have more fun with friends, and to just be a better person all together. then you get to school and all those expectations you had for the new year don't happen just how you thought they would. things are different..they've changed..and even though you remember telling yourself, during the summer, that you not only wanted but you were ready for change. any change. at least i thought i was ready..but i've realized i wasn't. things have changed that i never thought would and i haven't been able to get used to it. i was ready for school..but not the change that it bought with it. summer changes people and it can either be a time to strengthen a friendship or do the opposite. something i wasn't ready for. not only that..nothing seems the same anymore. and when i say nothing, i mean NOTHING!! all my friends are driving now and i will be soon. i still haven't gotten used to my classes. it's almost like i can't. i don't know how to explain it though. annd i miss sara and megan! i'm still trying to figure out what's going on with us. we don't really talk anymore and neither of us even act like we care. or maybe it's just me. but god, the three of us used to talk all the time, about so much..but we don't now. i've spent most of the first few days of school hanging out with alison and emily. i have like every class with alison and the three of us have lunch together. but i don't know. they're awesome!!..but they're not sara and they're not megan. i miss my friends (you guys). i can't seem to get used to all this change. things aren't like i hoped they would be. there, that wasn't much of an update but it'll have to do for now, because i'm tired and i have to get up in the morning to go take my drivers test. yep. it's at like 9:15 so i'll be missing 1st, 2nd and probably 3rd period..because i'm not coming in until afterwards. so wish me luck!!

i think i'm going to like english better this year because ms. hammond seems to be a lot more fun then ms. dye ever was. but maybe that's just me. hmm i have a spanish test tomorrow that i didn't study for..i already hate that class by the way. but anyhow, i went out to lunch with alison today and it was fun :-) we went to her house and her mom got out a TON of yummy food for us. i ate doritos, a sandwich, and some grapes, baby carrots, and cucumbers. it was so good. yay!! then we came back to the school..of course..and i went to art where i pretty much finished my lovely drawing we've been working on since friday? i think. then in chemistry we watched some boring video on lab safety. yippee..not!! after school i had therapy. i haven't had it since last monday so my knee was kind of sore i guess..plus, i fell at school friday..which probably has a lot to do with it. but yeah. i don't like therapy, at all. and i really wish i didn't have to go anymore. what's the point anyways? i guess i'm done rambling. later.

today, was my very last day of driving. yay :-) i drove from 10-2 and i guess it wasn't that bad? but i was definitely glad when it was over..and i passed, of course. so now all i have to do is go take my test. makes me nervous just thinking about it. so anyways, when i got home i made some mac-n-cheese, watched tv, took a 3 hour nap, got up around 7:00, talked on here, watched ER for a little bit, and now i'm talking to jamie on here. it's her very first night at college..so i think she's having a hard time right now. but yeah. i'm going to go because i'm very tired. later lovelies.

i wrote about yesterday in my xanga and didn't feel like writing about it twice, so yes, if you want to read about it then feel free :-) buuut anyhow, today was very stressful. i had to have two songs for ms. hammond memorized, one we had to write and the other one we had to say infront of the class. it wasn't as bad as i made myself belive..i'm just not good with that kind of stuff i guess, so i get nervous? yeah. and i also had to drive 4 hours RIGHT after school and just knowing that made me a nervous wreck all day. i ended up doing fine though..but i'm not going to lie and say that i loved it, because i definitely didn't. i'm glad i'm done with all of it after tomorrow. the rest of my classes were alright i suppose. except for family relations. i want to talk to lauren but i don't know what to say. ohhh yes, and on the way there, i guess there was a wet spot on the floor and i totally wiped out. i pretty much killed my knee on the way down too (my bad one of course) so after some girl helped me get my books and get up, i literally limped to family relations. god, my knee hurt so bad. it wasn't even funny, and i was on the verge of tears when i walked in the room. sweet. and pretty much everyone was already in there, including lauren. so i sat down and tried not to look at anyone. then ms. kunze announced that we had a free day, so i just sat there trying to bend and straighten my knee/trying not to cry. ms. kunze saw me and asked "do you want some ice for your ankle" haaaaah...my ankle? i was like, "no thanks, i'm fine." but what i wanted to say was, "it's NOT my ankle, it's my KNEE..and yes i need some ice because it is KILLING me!!" but yes, i didn't. it's still really sore. okay, i'm DEAD tired and want to sleep more than anything but i have to wait for jamie to come back, even though it's almost 1130 and i have to drive from 10-2 tomorrow. oh well..she leaves in the morning and i want to talk to her before she goes. i'll really miss her.

all of this will definitely take a while to get used to, going back to school, but today wasn't all that bad. i was surprised that i liked almost all of my classes and am very happy that i have friends in every class. except for family relations. lauren's in that class with me but we didn't talk at all so i don't really know. i mean, i understand why we didn't, but it was really awkward because she's pretty much the only person i know in that class and we aren't even talking. but anyhow, besides that, everything was extremely good today. braden and i have our lockers RIGHT next to each other, weird, but yay. alison is in about 4 of my classes, i think. and i have lunch with sara :-) very good. hmm only bad thing about this year is that i don't have mr. ullman for math (i've had him for the past two years) and i already don't think i'm going to like mrs. jenkins very much..but i guess i have to at least give her a chance. right? yeah, i'm nice. i think this year's going to be much better than both my freshman and sophmore ones were. i don't know why exactly..i guess it's just a feeling i have. there are some things that i'm still not quite sure about right now, but i'm learning to just go with the flow and let things happen. like i said in one of my recent entries..i need change, even though i'm afraid of what change might mean, i still want it too, because most of the time it turns out to be for the best. and this year, i need all the best i can get..if that makes sense. anyways, braden took me home from school today..we came back here and hungout for a while before he left. hmmm..then i got ready and went to youth group. it was hilary and jamie's last day. they both leave on saturday, so we won't see them before then. i was hoping to see jamie but she's going to be too busy the next couple days, getting ready to leave and stuff. so this pretty much sucks! i'll miss her being here..but i'll still see her some. but yeah. later lovelies.

today was the last day of summer. and a few weeks ago i would have told you that i wanted to go back to school, more than anything, but now i would gladly move away just to avoid it. i guess part of me does want to see certain people again but that's probably about the only reason i can think of that would make me consider wanting to go back. i've not only learned a lot about myself this summer..i've also learned a lot about other people..both good and bad things. and i've had loads of time to realize things that i should have a long time ago. like how change can definitely be a very good thing. and i've decided that i want this year to be different..to be better. i don't want to worry about or put too much emphasis on things anymore. all i want is to have fun. the past two years, i've screwed up pretty much everything..relationship wise, frienship wise, and school wise. i don't want to do the same thing again. and i have a feeling that things are going to be a whole lot better this year. and i hope, for my sake, that it's not just a feeling..that things really are better. i'm ready for change..no matter how big or small it is..even though i'd much rather it be big. i've learned that change is good. it might not seem like it at the time, but it always turns out to be..no matter how long it takes. things always happen for a reason. and sometimes it's difficult to understand that, but once you do everything's so much better than it was.

braden came over today :-) we looked at all my pretty pictures i've taken this summer and got them ready to make into a collage, ate bbq chicken and oreos, and talked/cuddled on my bed for a little bit. have i mentioned how happy he makes me? yayyy :-) he only got to stay until 2:30 though because i had to leave and go to therapy from 3-5 in parkersburg. it sucked as usual, and i pretty much hated every minute of it. humph :-( anywho, then i came home and spent the last half of the day being lazy..watching tv..talking to my moma..eating dinner..working on my lovely picture collage..talking to people on here. so yay :-)

i went to twilia smith's funeral this afternoon and it was really sad. she's bailey's grandma. and her grandpa was crying during the service :-( they were married for 61 years. wow! that's amazing. but this is making me sad so i'm moving on now.....ummm after that i came home, got ready and went to evening church service. yay :-) then braden and i went to cone and shake, and met our youth group at the knights house. it was very fun! they had a pool and trampoline :-) and lots of very good food. my youth group is sweet. you should be jealous :-) hmm braden took me home, but we had to wait a billion years before we could leave since he decided to be cool and park where it was obvious that we'd get blocked in. hehe. but anyhow, he came back here for a few minutes, then left and i called him like 5 seconds later, and talked to him while he drove home. yay :-) he liked it very much. that's about all i have to say. later. p.s. braden about killed me tonight, literally, but i still love him :-)

jamie came over this afternoon and we helped each other get ready for tonight. she straightened my hair and it was lovely. then we got all dressed up and met everyone at davenchi's (spelling?)..it was so yummy. i got lasagna and i wasn't even able to finish it. but anyhow, we all took millions of pictures and had LOTS of fun!! yay! then we left and went to lisa and dave's. we decided to play "bigger or better"..something like that. it's like a scavenger hunt. there's two teams and each team starts out with a crayon. you go around to different houses in the neighborhood asking if they have anything they can give you that is either "bigger or better" then what you already have (crayon, etc.) it was interesting. a dog followed us back to lisa and dave's so we decided to make it our "bigger or better" thing and we ended up winning..of course. when we got back to their house the guys were all there..including braden :-) so i changed and went over and sat by him. we had cake..very yummy..then we danced/played games the rest of the night. then around 10:30 braden took kim and i home. i had lots of fun tonight :-) i'm sad that hilary and jamie are leaving soon though. i will miss them both a lot. but okay, i'm done. later.

braden and i talked on the phone from 9:30 last night til about 2:30 this morning. then we both woke up 3 1/2 hours later (6:00 this morning)...he came over here, and him, me, my mom and kim all got in the car and drove an hour to Reedsville, Ohio to pick up one of kim's guy friends that she met at church camp a few weeks ago. the trip there was interesting too, considering we got lost and, what should have been only a one hour drive turned out to be about 2 1/2 hours. yessss...and braden and i only got like 3 hours of sleep last night...we were soo tired. he actually fell asleep on the way out there. it was so cute. but anyhow, after we finally got to the kids house and picked him up, we came back here for a little bit. my mom took kim and kyle somewhere...and left braden and i here...hehe. enough said. braden had to leave shortly after my mom, kim and kyle came back...because he had to go somewhere to get a few shots. i felt bad for him! hmm when he was all done though he came back here..yayy!! and he had a sucker...which i stole from him of course. it was a yellow one and very yummy too. anyhow, all of us decided to go to the mall. braden and i drove seperately though, so we could stop by the high school to pick up our schedules. him and i have 6th period lunch together...yayyy!! we are very happy. oh yes, and we found out that somehow our lockers are right next to eachother. hmm anyways, the mall was very fun!! kim and kyle think they're cool so they went off somewhere by themselves..and braden and i kept my mom company. we only stayed an hour or so, then we left. braden and i beat them home so, while i was on here, he fell asleep on my bed . he was so tired, along with me, but i couldn't sleep if i tried. anyhow, he woke up 10 min. before he had to leave for work. after he left, i went out to eat with my mom, kim and kyle. we had lovely chinese. yum :-) then we came back here to get kyle's stuff..went to zane and collen's..that was a nightmare..and then we finally took him home. we got home around 9:00, i layed down and fell asleep until 10:30 or so..got up and talked to people on here. but i didn't feel good at all. actually, i still don't. i feel like i'm going to be sick. was it the food i ate today?..the twisty, turny drive to kyle's house in reedsville?..or stress? we shall never know. anyways, sara wants me to come with her to allie's soccer scrimmage at 10 in the morning. i hope i can go because i really want to. i can't wait until tomorrow night? i think. it should be fun. jamie might be coming over sometime tomorrow so we can help each other get ready. we will see. and that's all. later everyone.

today = most laziest day of my life :-) :-) all i did was eat, sleep and watch tv. yay!! i'm awesome i know :-) :-) but i must take advantage of the summer we have left. doesn't that make sense? ummm yes!! ohh yes, braden called when he got off of work (around 9:30) and we talked until after 2:30 this morning :-) he makes me happy.

it's 4:12 and braden just left about five minutes ago. when he first got here i didn't really say much to him and i tried to act like i was okay, even though i had just cried about 2 minutes before he came. but when he kissed me and said that he had to leave i got up from the computer, hugged him and wouldn't let go. i told him i wanted him to stay, and i just started crying. he held me forever, and he kept telling me that he loved me..that everything was going to be okay..and that he was always going to be here for me. and i just kept crying..and he kept holding me. then he picked me up and sat on my bed..and kept holding me forever. and i just kept crying. i couldn't stop. and he asked what was wrong, even though part of me already knew that he knew. but i told him..and he just held me tighter. even though he had to leave and go to work, he stayed anyways. i didn't want anyone else here. just him..holding me. he made me feel like nothing else had to matter in the entire world. and even though i couldn't stop crying i knew everything was going to be okay because he was there and i felt safe. he's the only person i feel like i can count on right now..for anything. last night i cried myself to sleep for the same reason that i cried today. and i didn't have braden to hold me last night..but i'm glad that i had him here today. i love him so much and i don't know what i'd do without him. he always, always makes everything better. he's so amazing. my best friend. it took me awhile to realize that, but he is.

braden came over during his "lunch break" today. he was here from about 12:15 to 12:50. we made ourselves some pb&j sandwiches..very yummy..and had some lays sour cream and onion chips :-) then when we were done eating we watched ER (my absolutely favorite show) and played around until he had to leave. we had fun :-) then after he left, i got ready and went to therapy. my mom thought it was at 2:00 when it was at 2:30 so, since we got there about 45 minutes early, she took me to Big Sandy's Superstore to show me the couch that her and dad picked out for the downstairs. it's pretty darn saweet ass :-) verrrry comfy too. i'm excited :-) our downstairs is finally almost done. it will be so awesome when it is. yay!! so anyhow, i went to therapy and it was dumb as always. i have to go in at 9:30 tomorrow morning but i think i'm just going to tell my mom i don't want to go. yeah. hmm when i got home from that, i took a shower, got ready (once again) and went to youth group. it was casey's last night. she's leaving for college on friday so i won't see her :-( i hate how everyone's leaving for college. jamie leaves the 27th! but anyways, tonight bob did the lesson and i liked it very much. braden wasn't there though, because he had to work until 9:30 tonight. i missed him! i hope he either comes to see me during his "lunch break" tomorrow, or before he goes into work. i want to see him. hmm tonight my moma decided she needed to go to the emergency room because she thinks she broke one or more of her ribs. so i went with her to selby after hours but we found out that it was going to be at least a 2 hour wait, so we left and came back home. but my dad made her go to memorial's brand new emergency room..so i went with her, and she got in over there. we got home around 11:00 (hour and a half ago). by the way, their new emergency room is very, very nice. i liked it a lot!! okay, that's all for now poopsies :-) p.s. i tried calling lauren tonight after youth group but she supposedly wasn't home. at least that's what her mom said. whether or not it's true is beyond me. i miss her a lot though, and i wish she knew that.

i was ready and everything but my dad left for church without me this morning. i guess because i was still in my room and he didn't think i was even up..but i WAS!!! so i was supposedly "grounded" all day. i'm a rebel, i know. sara has definitely taught me well :-) but anywho, my dad made me pull weeds outside and it was "kill me" hot out. hmm did i just make that up? hehe, i do love me..as my moma always says. okay, getting off track again..after i was done with that, i came inside, got ready, and went to evening service where braden surprised me by showing up. yay!! i didn't think he was going to be able to come but he did and i was happy :-) anyhow, i wouldn't really call it your ordinary service. it was kind of a show type thing. all the little kids, k-6th grade, sang a bijillion songs for all of us. it was cute..but i was glad when it was over. jamie and i left with braden, went back to his house so he could get his swimming trunks..then we about died on the way to casey and sammy's house. it was pretty sweet :-) i must say, my lovely boyfriend is good at being a horrible/scary driver. hehe. i LOVE it!! he scares jamie half to death every time she's in the car with us..but i'm always fine because i trust him with everything..including my life. but anyhow, everyone was at casey and sammy's when we got there and it was verrrry fun. tonight..while i was at the party with everyone...it was the first time that i haven't thought about or missed lauren at all. well..i thought about her once..but that's it. anyways, yeah...i've had my mind on a lot lately, but tonight it all seemed to vanish for a little while..and it was nice to not constantly be thinking about all of it for once. it really was. but anyhow, braden and i left the party around 9:30ish and went to the incredible playground. it was very, verrrry fun!! we played LOTS (hehe..yay)..and he makes me so very happy. i love him!!! okie dokie, that's all for now. later lovers.

i spent allll day with braden today and it was amazing :-) he makes me soooo happy!! and i'm not just saying that. ask sara. i talked to her about everything. i do love her very muchly :-) buuuut anywho, braden and i went to wally world to drop off my pictures, then to the mall..we got yummy cookies and ice cream while we were there too..hmmm then we left, went back to wally world to pick up my beautiful pictures, and then came back here until we had to leave to go to the mystery dinner thing we had with our youth group. it was fun but it lasted forever..longer than braden and i expected. we were both hoping to get out of there around 8:30 or 9 but it was 10 something before it was even over..so we only got to hang out in his car for like 20 minutes :-( hmmm then he took me home. and that's that. yep. much love :-)