it's almost 10'oclock and i'm sitting here thinking about everything that happened today and even though i know what happened, none of it seems to matter. NOTHING does! and i don't even know what to say right now! i'm so upset that i would do ANYTHING if i could JUST cry, but i can't. my body won't let me. that probably doesn't make any sense but to me it does, so i really don't care. am i a bad friend? if not, then why does it always seem like, no matter what i do i always get hurt. it used to just be lauren but now it's tara too. she was suppose to come to youth group with me tonight but didn't. i called her after school to find out if she was going to or not, but she was on her way into work so she said she'd call me back..but guess what, she didn't!!! she was suppose to get off of work around 5:30 so i expected her to call shortly after that. the whole time at therapy i waited for her to call my cell phone but she never did. i even left her a text message telling her to call me. so i came home from therapy and went to youth group. and i just broke down there. from everything (...the whole thing with lauren online last night..i said most of what i felt, but i still didn't get out everything..the fact that tara never called me back last night OR tonight, and then didn't come to youth group with me..and school...) so i don't know. i'm starting to wonder why i even try. maybe i should just stop and see what happens. honestly, because trying isn't helping at all so maybe not trying would work better for me. ya think?? i just don't understand anymore and i have no idea what to say right now. i have sooo much that i need help with, but i can't ask for it. i feel like there's no one that i can depend on or trust right now, because at this point..so many people have let me down..when i have needed them the most..and i just don't think i can handle another let down right now. i'm afraid of getting hurt! i'm afraid of trusting anybody anymore. i CAN'T trust anybody anymore! everytime i think things are going pretty good..friendship wise..i get hurt, somehow. and all the excuses just make things worse. all of the ones they give me for not calling, not being there, and just plain not caring. i can't take anymore excuses. YOU could never have a good enough excuse for always hurting me. and, right now, i don't even want to hear what tara's excuse is going to be tomorrow. i honestly don't. i've become so used to getting hurt that sometimes i just don't care. i can't care anymore. because everytime i HAVE cared that i'm getting hurt it hasn't helped anything. so ya know what? just keep hurting me. i don't care anymore, because in the end..YOU will be the one that gets hurt. you'll lose me, and after awhile, you'll FINALLY realize that YOU screwed up..and that i never did anything wrong..but YOU did everything wrong!!!! and i hope you hate yourself for it!!! i honestly hope that when you DO lose me and realize that it was your mistake, that it hurts just as much as ALL the times you ever hurt me!! EVER!!! i hate myself everyday for what i let you put me through!!! yeah....bye!